The Interrogation of Ronald McDonald (2356 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.27 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2004-08-16 18:13:58 EDT
The Interrogation of Ronald McDonald
Interview 1 [BEGIN]
This statement is in reference to six murders and possible links to eight missing children in an ongoing investigation by the Goodland Drive Task Force. The murders and disappearances took place on or near Goodland Drive between May 1996 and July 2004. This statement is being taken in Interview Room #3, Robbery Homicide Division, Parker Center, Los Angeles. The date is August 6th, 2004 and the time is one-thirty pm exactly. My name is Detective Leonard Wilkens, Los Angeles Police Department Robbery Homicide Division. With me is Detective James Nogukawa, LAPD RHD, and the arresting officer, Patrol Officer Lana Bellington, Valley Bureau, North Hollywood Community Police Station. The subject of this interview is a man who may have information important to fourteen unsolved and closely connected cases. We are tape-recording this interview. Both of our video-cameras are broken, so we are using audio tape only.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Now, before we start, do you need me to advise you of your rights or—
Ronald McDonald: No, I fully understand my rights as just read to me by Officer Bellington.
Q: For the record sir, could you please state your name?
A: Ronald J. McDonald.
Detective James Nogukawa: Jesus [inaudible].
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Is your name as written on this report, uh, DR# 0499145, is that spelled correctly?
Ronald McDonald: Yeah, that looks about right.
Q: Sir, we need specific answers.
A: Yes, my name is spelled correctly.
Q: Is that your legal name?
A: Yes it is.
Q: Is it your birth name?
A: Yes it is.
Q: So if we do a search on your name, DOB and social we won't find you legally changed it from something else?
A: Correct.
Q: Now, you were born when?
A: The 5th of October. 1963.
Q: You are now 41 years old?
A: Correct.
Q: Is your current residence number 232 Goodland Crescent in Los Angeles?
A: Correct again. You win a prize!
Officer Lana Bellington: Slowly!
Ronald McDonald: I'm just reaching into my pocket.
Officer Lana Bellington: Don't—
Ronald McDonald: There. See? No harm done.
Detective James Nogukawa: What the hell is that? A donkey?
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Mr. McDonald has put a small plastic figure on the table. It looks like a donkey.
Ronald McDonald: Actually, it's a jackass.
Detective James Nogukawa: Fucking clown.
Ronald McDonald: Well, obviously!
Detective Leonard Wilkens: All right. Before we get into a whole Q and A in regard to the missing children, I'd like to take a moment to, ah, to address, your, you know, your appearance.
Ronald McDonald: That sounds like fun, but could I get a burger or something? I've been here for hours and hours.
Q: We'll see what we can do. Now, you are dressed like Ronald McDonald.
A: I am Ronald McDonald.
Detective James Nogukawa: We're talking about the burger joint mascot or whatever the hell his is. The guy who hangs out with the Hamburgler in fucking Happyland or whatever.
Ronald McDonald: Yes. That's me.
Officer Lana Bellington: [inaudible].
Ronald McDonald: That wasn't very lady-like.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Okay, so you are saying you are the famous clown, the one we've all seen on TV in commercials and stuff like that?
Ronald McDonald: What I am saying is that I am the original Ronald McDonald. I'm obviously not a cartoon or one of the poor shlubs they pay to dress up like me for one of the television commercials.
Q: Now your hair. Are you saying that is your real hair color? I mean—
A: Take a closer look. I don't mind.
Officer Lana Bellington: Okay, I'll—
Ronald McDonald: Oh baby. Those fingers in my hair, that sly, come-hither stare, that strips my conscience bare, it's witchcraft.
Detective James Nogukawa: Listen, dick—
Officer Lana Bellington: Jesus. If that's a dye job, it took right down to the roots. And the white skin, could a guy tattoo his whole body?
Detective James Nogukawa: What about the lips and the nose?
Officer Lana Bellington: Again, if it's make-up, I've never seen anything like it. It won't smudge or smear even when I rub it.
Ronald McDonald: Wanna see my pubes?
Officer Lana Bellington: What!
Ronald McDonald: And my dick? Baby, this ain't no fake. I look like this all over.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: All right, let's get back on track.
Ronald McDonald: You think these big shoes are a joke? Here, look at my feet.
Detective James Nogukawa: Holy fuck, Len, that's, man, that's—
Ronald McDonald: Awesome, huh?
Officer Lana Bellington: Christ!
Ronald McDonald: And if my feet are that big, babe, imagine the size of my wang.
Detective James Nogukawa: Yeah, right, fucko.
Ronald McDonald: Hey, ever wonder why the baggy clothes? If I wore a tight pair of jeans the little girls would have nightmares.
Officer Lana Bellington: You sick fuck!
Ronald McDonald: Hey, I'm just clowning around.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Okay! Everyone just calm the hell down. So Mr McDonald here got his entire body tattooed. So he is a little deformed. Who cares? We're here to find out what happened to those kids.
Detective James Nogukawa: I bet this fuck (inaudible).
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Jimmy come on. I got a tape running here.
Ronald McDonald: Naughty Jimmy.
Q: Now, Mr. McDonald, how long have you lived at 232 Goodland Crescent?
A: Well, jeez, probably about fifteen years or so.
Q: You were living there prior to nineteen ninety-six?
A: That is correct.
Q: Mr. McDonald, we asked some of your neighbors about you.
A: Bunch of neighborhood watch freaks.
Q: They said you don't work, that you are always hanging around the neighborhood.
A: I won a lawsuit a while back. Bought my house outright, still got a little dough in the bank.
Q: Huh. Mind if I ask—
A: A McDonald's restaurant a few blocks from here told I me couldn't come around anymore. They thought I might have had something to do with some of those missing kids.
Q: And?
A: Well the manager wigged out. Screamed all this really hurtful stuff in public. I asked for proof, asked them to back up what they said. I sued, they settled.
Detective James Nogukawa: (inaudible) weasel (inaudible).
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Okay, so you have indicated your awareness that a number of children have been abducted—
Ronald McDonald: Hard to miss that Detective. It's been all over the news.
Q: Do you know anything about these abductions? These murders?
A: I know some kids have been found dead. Some are missing. All from my neck of the woods, so to speak.
Q: Yeah. Some dead, some missing. Some dead kids turned up after some of the missing ones were abducted. We still don't know if the missing kids are dead or not. They're just gone.
A: Probably are.
Q: They probably are what?
A: Gone.
Q: Gone where? Do you have any information that might help us locate—
A: (laughs).
Detective James Nogukawa: What's so funny, fuckface?
Ronald McDonald: Sorry. Really it's just— You all look so serious.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Why would we NOT be serious about missing kids?
Ronald McDonald: Really. I mean, come on. I'm sure you know where they really are, Detective? Hmm?
Q: What are you—
A: I think they're in McDonaldland.
Q: Did you bring them to McDonaldland? Did you put them there?
A: No one is forced to go to McDonaldland. It's a fun place, and only children who really want to go can go there.
Detective James Nogukawa: Do you know why you were arrested by Officer Bellington, you fucking ape?
Ronald McDonald: You need to calm down. Don't you Asians all practice that deep breathing Zen stuff?
Detective James Nogukawa: Okay, that's—
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Jimmy! Jesus!
Officer Lana Bellington: Mr. McDonald, I arrested you because you made an indecent proposition to a child.
Ronald McDonald: Cindy Bagosian? Little Cindy? We were just chatting.
Officer Lana Bellington: She was crying. You were holding her arms. She looked like she was trying to get away.
Ronald McDonald: That's just a little game we play.
Detective James Nogukawa: Here's a little game WE play!
Ronald McDonald: OW! Ow goddammit!
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Jimmy, why don't you step outside and grab a smoke.
Detective James Nogukawa: Look, Len, I can—
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Go.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: How you feeling there, Ron?
Ronald McDonald: Better, now that your partner is gone.
Q: Okay. So. According to Officer Bellington's report, uh, again this is DR# 0499145, you were acting inappropriately. Officer Bellington overheard some of your conversation.
A: Well, she misinterpreted what she heard.
Q: Yunno, I'm looking at her report, and it seems kinda straightforward to me.
A: Look. I saw Cindy coming down the sidewalk. I've seen her come and go in the neighborhood ever since she was born. So I just said something like, "My, you're a big girl now, aren't you?" She said yes with the cutest little lisp. She told me she was ten.
Officer Lana Bellington: This is about where I came in. A lady on the block reported a strange looking man moving through her backyard and the yards on either side of her home. I was just turning onto Goodland Crescent from Goodland Drive when I saw them.
Ronald McDonald: Hey, it's shady back there in the yards with all the trees and hedges. With this skin I have to avoid the sun, believe you me.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: So Cindy tells you she is ten—
A: Yeah, and I ask her if she wants a present from me since I missed her birthday, and I told her how important the tenth birthday is.
Q: Then what did you do?
A: I just asked her if she wanted some candy.
Q: Hmmm. According to Officer Bellington's report, those weren't the words you used.
A: Okay, okay. I asked Cindy if she wanted to go to McDonaldland and she said yes. I asked her if she wanted some candy, and when she said yes. So I said, "How about some trouser treats, have you ever had those?"
Q: And what did Cindy do then?
A: Well, the little girl wigged out when I reached into my pocket. She tried to run and I grabbed her arm. I didn't want her running out in traffic.
Q: And then what happened?
A: And then Officer Torpedo Titties cuffed me.
Q: Buddy, you had to know you couldn't be touching a kid like that.
A: Look, she wanted to go to McDonaldland. Who am I to stop her?
Officer Lana Bellington: And just where is McDonaldland, Mr. McDonald? Is it in your backyard? Your basement?
Ronald McDonald: It's right here, baby.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Why are you rubbing your stomach? Is that supposed to mean something?
Officer Lana Bellington: Oh my God.
Ronald McDonald: Yum!
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Officer, put your weapon away. There's no—
Ronald McDonald: You ever see the ass on a ten year-old girl, Detective? I mean, you ever taken a real long, hard look?
Officer Lana Bellington: Oh, you sick motherfucker.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Officer PUT THAT WEAPON AWAY!
Ronald McDonald: That's some tasty horseflesh, pardner.
Detective James Nogukawa: Okay, I'm cool now, so how's it— the hell?
Ronald McDonald: Tits here looks kinda pissed.
Officer Lana Bellington: You bastard. You bastard.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Bellington, you will holster that weapon—
Ronald McDonald: I think she's gonna go for it, ace. Whoopie! I thinks she's the one packing the balls in this room!
Detective James Nogukawa: Hey, Lana. I wanted to kill this guy too but—
Officer Lana Bellington: Tell me you killed them. Just tell me.
Ronald McDonald: Babe, you pull that trigger, your whole case is just gonna disappear.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Bellington—
Officer Lana Bellington: TELL ME!
Ronald McDonald: They tasted sweet, Officer. Bloody and sweet, like spring lamb, oh my goodness yes.
Detective James Nogukawa: GOT IT!
Officer Lana Bellington: GIVE THAT BACK! GIVE ME BACK MY GUN!
Ronald McDonald: If it's any consolation, I didn't want them to die.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Jesus.
Officer Lana Bellington: SHOOT HIM! JUST SHOOT HIM!
Ronald McDonald: The ones who died all died from blood loss really.
Detective James Nogukawa: What?
Ronald McDonald: Oh, you thought I killed them first? No, no. I like my meat fresh.
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Chru— Christ.
Ronald McDonald: And like any good carnivore, I've still got a few morsels hidden away.
Officer Lana Bellington: God.
Ronald McDonald: So if you want me to start talking, get me a burger and a soda. A Coke.
Detective James Nogukawa: Man. I— I—
Ronald McDonald: I'm waiting!
Detective Leonard Wilkens: Yeah. Yeah, Just let me turn this recorder off and—
Interview 1 [END]
User Reviews
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-06-24 20:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is pretty funny.
So, Jack.
You actually used your alter (or friend - whatever) to pretend to recognize you from THIS post as the writer of a book so you could get people on uber to...what, buy your book?
That's really funny, actually.
Trying to trick people with an alter on YOUR VERY FIRST POST. How very advanced you were, my boy.
And if this is your very first post, then you wrote your book before joining uber.
What possible reason did you have back then for using a pseudonym?
Plus, you picked a pseudonym of an already fairly well known author?
That doesn't make any sense at all, unless you're a complete dumbass.
It seems if a writer is going to the trouble to choose a pseudonym, the first thing is to pick a name that means something to him, and then to google it and see what turns up.
I mean, writing a book is a pretty large undertaking, and to go to all that trouble and then so carelessly ascribe it to a fake name...tsk tsk tsk.
I don't for a second think that's a pseudonym, and I think you and Bubba are completely full of shit.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-06-24 18:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-24 15:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-24 14:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was crap. I'm not just trolling. It seriously wasn't worth the time to read/skim.
--
He speaks from experience...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything you ever wanted to know about no1hasdis
User id: 23616
Registered on or around: 2005-11-28 16:58:24 EST
# Messages posted: 3----------T H R E E
# Reviews written: 1029
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 90
# Hits: 1745
Average rating of all messages: 0.39
gay album cover (Rating: 1.11 on 25 reviews, last by Shlongy 315 days ago)
Submitted by no1hasdis (View user info) at 2007-07-18 14:24:31 EDT
Dear storm... (Rating: 0.19 on 22 reviews, last by CaptainThorns 343 days ago)
Submitted by no1hasdis (View user info) at 2007-07-16 15:09:34 EDT
no1hasdis Went Down to Georgia... (Rating: -0.11 on 43 reviews, last by Amontillado 374 days ago)
Submitted by no1hasdis (View user info) at 2007-06-14 12:27:03 EDT
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-24 15:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Could've been better, but not bad. A bit long winded.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-24 14:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was crap. I'm not just trolling. It seriously wasn't worth the time to read/skim.
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-16 22:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus fuckin' 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-03-03 16:25:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining. Ronald did read a lot like Pennywise though.
Hey kid, wanna float?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-02-12 14:00:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-17 03:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-17 03:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCKED UP
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-17 03:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JediMasterJambi (user info) at 2006-09-17 02:28:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A little overboard man, but It made me smile, Can't say it wasn't some funny stuff. I just had to remind myself it was meant to be a joke.
Submitted by CaptainObvious (user info) at 2006-09-17 02:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh. Great.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-09-15 20:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-08-18 19:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-16 20:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are many words for guys like Rob Berg, the most obvious being 'asshole'.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-08-16 20:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Who gives a shit?
Seems to me half of this fucking site is filled with these silly 'alters'.
Pretty good publicity stunt, though. Kinda makes me wonder if this isn't another elaborate attempt to flog that there book of yours Jackie-pants.
If it is, bravo. If not... Read first line.
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-07-16 15:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Delightfully chilling?
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-05 22:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just plain awesome
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-05 22:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is better than mine.
What ever happened to that Supreme_Overlord asshead? It was fun (and real easy) to get him righteously torqued up.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-31 12:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Supreme Overlord damage repair test...
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-07-21 21:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-25 22:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA... excellent
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-02-10 09:11:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. whatever anyone says, you have a gift for writing dialogue.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-09-13 13:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-13 13:26:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
That's good.
This is better http://www.ubersite.com/m/44860
See how I did that? I am a genius linkwhore!
--
Well played, sir.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-09-13 13:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's good.
This is better http://www.ubersite.com/m/44860
See how I did that? I am a genius linkwhore!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-24 21:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-24 21:06:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-08-24 19:26:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish_ (user info) at 2004-08-24 19:19:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
==
Holy fuck dude, what is your problem? I stood up for you in another post not long ago and you come in here and -2 and don't even leave a comment? Jesus, you are one sad fucking case.
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Notice the extra underscore on the username. It wasn't me.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-08-24 19:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny ...will McDonald's try to shut down Uber when they
get wind of this???
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish_ (user info) at 2004-08-24 19:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Omnivexed (user info) at 2004-08-16 22:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You guys liked this? I think Avril summed it up nicely. Ronald sounded a bit too much like
a clown called Pennywise to me, stop watching It and stop watching law and order reruns.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-08-16 22:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-08-16 19:54:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
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awwwww, little boy mad cause I made fun of his crappy post, how cute!
Okay, let me guess. Seventeen? Forty pounds overweight and none of it tit? More zit destoyer than makeup on your dresser?
Whatever babe. Come back to me when you mature a little, you lose the elephantine thighs and develop a nice rack, and your face stops looking like those NASA pictures of Io.
http://www.solarviews.com/eng/io.htm
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-08-16 19:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-08-16 19:04:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
"You know, it's funny, because that's exactly what you will say about your life when it finally draws to an end. "
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awwwww, little boy mad cause I made fun of his crappy post, how cute!
Submitted by too_many_wheels (user info) at 2004-08-16 19:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, buddy-boy, that's me. Thanks (?!?) for the reminder. Remember folks, for only 24.95 (or whatever things go for in the remainder bins these days), you can find out how just much of a hack I really am.
--------
Hmmmm.
Tempted to call shenanigans on this one.
WTF would you be doing in here?
(BTW, it's now $5 and change at Amazon...)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-08-16 19:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by too_many_wheels (user info) at 2004-08-16 19:09:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Jack..
You any relation to the 'Made In The USA' dude?
If not, you sure sound like him...
Read that some time ago.
Pretty twisted....but good...
Yeah, buddy-boy, that's me. Thanks (?!?) for the reminder. Remember folks, for only 24.95 (or whatever things go for in the remainder bins these days), you can find out how just much of a hack I really am.
Submitted by too_many_wheels (user info) at 2004-08-16 19:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Jack..
You any relation to the 'Made In The USA' dude?
If not, you sure sound like him...
Read that some time ago.
Pretty twisted....but good...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-08-16 19:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:52:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
"too fucking long. too generic. bored the living shit out of me."
You know, it's funny, because that's exactly what you will say about your life when it finally draws to an end.
Submitted by too_many_wheels (user info) at 2004-08-16 19:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by MisterUnfortunate (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very, very good writing - it reminded me of something that Warren Ellis woruld come up with on one of his more twisted days. If you don't recognize the name - believe me, it's a compliment. Damn those evil clowns anyway...
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
too fucking long. too generic. bored the living shit out of me.
Submitted by whiskeyjack (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good, but I Macdonalds and now I'm not sure if I can go back there without either being terrified or going berserker, and now I'm even more afraid of clowns
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm inclined to think this really happened.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two.
Submitted by Commie_bastard (user info) at 2004-08-16 18:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW