Bladder crisis invokes humiliation, as usual (756 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Durae (View user info) at 2004-08-17 02:56:06 EDT
Night shift gas station guys Love me. Okay, so they're bored out of their minds and probably hard up, I don't care, that free coffee makes my night. I love gas stations.
I stopped at one on the way home from work the other night, I always do actually, but this wasn't my regular place because of a road construction detour and my car's severe need of gas. I have this problem that causes me to buy something I don't need every time I'm in a gas station. Candy bars, Ben & Jerry's, Arizona Tea, and of course, my diet's staple, hyper-sugar-and-creamed coffee. I only needed gas from this magical place tonight, but I found myself dumping 19 packets of sugar into a styrofoam cup of coffee.
Being the caffeine fiend I am, with my environmentalist guilt, I normally use a travel mug. But because this purchase was completely unnecessary at midnight, it was sitting in my car. At the pumps. I can't walk that far.
As I leave an educational conversation about more age-discriminant legislation New York is sitting on and walk out the door sipping my addiction, it hits me out of nowhere that my bladder is about to explode. This stupid Hess doesn't have a public restroom. I get in my car and sit there considering my options almost paralyzed by the urge to wet myself, determined that I can make it home dry.
After two seconds of that thought, my body shuddered and answered: No fuckin way in hell.
My car has no cupholders because it's ghetto. The driver's side door doesn't open from the outside and the muffler was abducted by aliens. I'll be damned if I'm putting any money into the piece of shit. I put my coffee between my legs. It's the only thing I've had there in a while.
I pull out of my toilet-less heaven like the incompetent driver I am, and within 20 seconds the coffee is all over my inner thighs. It's warm and it makes me want to pee.
By the on-ramp is a 24-hour trashy diner place that has always intrigued me, but I've never been bored enough to go. I guess now's my chance. I'm never going back.
My biggest argument against New York's anti-indoor smoking law is this:
Eight people smoking leisurely by the entrance saw me squeal to a halt in the parking lot, jump out of my car, jog/dance by them into the place with a HUGE FUCKING WET SPOT down the front of my pants. Then run back out as fast as I could without being conspicuous because the restroom was for customers only and I really didn't want to stick around for a soda in my wet pants and I felt bad.
The worst part I think was being by myself with no one around to laugh with me, at me.
User Reviews
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2005-02-15 18:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can't help it, gotta +2
Submitted by Omnivexed (user info) at 2004-09-10 18:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, I somehow missed it when it was originally posted so
I'll just rate it now.
Submitted by Yenegi at 2004-08-29 14:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and my posts, with the exception of my first one, were experiments. People have been stupid on Uber, there is no doubting that, but I wanted to act truly retarded, and see peoples reactions. They were merely experiments, and I wish the best regards to you, spedmonkey, Avals and other writers on Uber who can best me anyday. This will/might be my last Uber post, so Farewell Durae, and remember, I LOVE EVERYONE! (I'm a lovable retard, am I not?)
Submitted by Yenegi at 2004-08-29 14:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Durae, remember your post about "Is love scarier than hate?" Well, my posts suck so bad that the fact that you're rating them a "2" is just creeping me out. Please say I suck, so I can get rid of some of the locks on my doors. But thanks anyway, and keep on writing, even if it means getting "freaked out" by weak, overly-freindly children like myself.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I love how everyone chooses to address the one subtle hint of sexual frustration. Thanks for the help, but it's my problem and I will take care of it myself. No worries.
I love you Method. :)
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-17 12:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-17 11:14:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, there is NO reason you couldn't have had sex in my bathroom.
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Or your basement. I didn't need sleep that badly.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-17 11:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, there is NO reason you couldn't have had sex in my bathroom.
Submitted by drky (user info) at 2004-08-17 09:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-08-17 09:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Durae.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-17 08:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the perfect place to hitwhore my post:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41862
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-17 08:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could have called and woken me up to laugh at you. With that story, it would have been worth it.
This is your best post yet, Durae. Keep it up! :o)
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-08-17 08:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mmmmmmm... golden showers and horny chicks
I LOVE AMERICA!
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-17 08:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If it makes you feel any better we're all laughing with you at you now.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-17 07:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like girls.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-17 07:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Method- she hasa no peepee!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-17 06:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:01:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Im changing my name to I_Have_A_Durae_Fetish
---
Who wants to bet that someone will do this?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so what are you saying, we can't fool around?
*sniff*
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something similar happened to me today.
Submitted by Walsareck (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone had that sort of thing happen to them at MacDonalds... She sued Maccas for making the coffe TOO HOT!! COFFEE IS MEANT TO BE HOT, DAMMIT!!!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh bugger. Are you alright?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I put my coffee between my legs. It's the only thing I've had there in a while."
advertise much?
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You aren't? Well shit, there goes my lifes plan.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR HAR VERY FUNNY
I
AM
NOT
GAY
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, how many times do I have to tell you, I'm a GIRL!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-17 03:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im changing my name to I_Have_A_Durae_Fetish
Well, not really, that's fuckin creepy, but I've still got the hots for you nonetheless.