Bastard Children in Public Schools (1026 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.94 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cymak (View user info) at 2004-08-17 05:18:45 EDT
In response to http://www.ubersite.com/m/41865, for which I feel terrible, because:
A) My parents are both teachers, and both have had death threats leveled at them at one time or another (none have come to fruition; I still am forced to endure at least two annoying phone calls a month).
B) Some children don't deserve the right not to be stabbed in the face. Like Ramsey:
Ramsey was a 5'9" 150 lb. semi-weakling who was thoroughly convinced that he was at least as tough-as-nails as Rambo on angel dust and as crazy as Martin Lawrence on a three-month bender. He may have been the latter—I'm not a doctor, after all—but everyone in the high school though he was either stupid, or really stupid and a little bit scary.
Enter Mr. Ross (names have been changed to protect the guilty but righteous), my bulldog of a history teacher who lorded over several classes that Ramsey and I had together. Here's a brief rundown of Ramsey's school and life history, up to the point of my story:
1. Expelled from his elementary school for punching a third grade teacher in the jaw. The zinger? She was eight months pregnant.
2. Expelled from his middle school for pulling a knife on a kid during a trash-talking session.
3. Took a year off running from police, and some poor girl gave him his first child at the whopping age of sixteen.
4. Nearly expelled from my high school for fighting, but managed a mere long-term suspension because the other kid started it (despite the fact that Ramsey broke said kid's index finger and gave him a class-three concussion).
5. Had his second child to second teenage girl.
On an average day in bullcrap sophomore history (before the AP program kicks in and we don't have to share classes anymore), Ramsey decides today's a good day to flaunt his featherweight badassitude that makes him far superior to all of the other...high school sophomores (whoo-hoo). Comments from Ramsey made to Mr. Ross that day:
"Fuck you, old man, this is my house!"
"I'm gonna take a piss!" -leaves for a minute- "That was a good piss!"
"History don't matter. I could kick anyone's ass in this room—that's what matters!"
Ah, suburban white kids. I mention this story because Ramsey was remarkable for his clever retorts and cool use of intellect while in the face of adversity, such as this gem:
Kid #1: "You're just a sad little bastard with no friends."
Kid #2: "Totally, man."
Ramsey: "Yeah, well fuck you!"
Like I said—this guy was a Swiss fucking watch. After enough verbal diarrhea from this up and coming neo-Socrates, Mr. Ross calmly stops his lesson, removes his glasses, and says, "Don't worry, Ramsey. Next year, state law can no longer make you go to school, so there will be plenty of opportunities for you in the food service industry. Just don't spit in my cheeseburger." Mr. Ross continues with his lesson.
Ramsey overturns his desk and puffs out his chest like a ten-dollar hooker. "What'd you say to me, gramps?"
"Security," Mr. Ross says into the phone.
-Fast forward to three years later-
I returned to my high school after my first year of college was over to visit some of my favorite teachers and see just how the place looks (sidetrack: nostalgia is overrated). Before I went, however, I stopped by a Wendy's to get a tasty frosty.
Lo and behold, Mr. Ramsey himself is working behind the counter, his arms sporting some of those badass barbed wire tattoos (George Carlin: "Come back here when you've got the real thing and I'll squeeze that shit on good and tight."), and his face looking like...
"OH MY GOD!" I exclaimed at the top of my lungs.
"What, you lookin' at something?" Ramsey's deformed maw, shouted at me.
"Er, no, no."
The manager returned from the back and tapped Ramsey on the shoulder. "Ramsey, why don't you go out back and cool down a bit? I'll take care of the customer."
Ramsey shrugged his boss away and stormed out the back.
"I'm sorry," I said to the manager. "I was a classmate of his. What happened to his face?"
The manager's customer-appreciative smile faded into a grimace. "Last year, Ramsey worked at KFC. One of the pressure cookers they use to fry the chicken exploded, and he was covered in third-degree burns. He had to go to Seattle to get special burn treatment to even look that good."
I decided I didn't want a frosty after all. Mr. Ross was happier to see me, but he was even happier to hear the news about Ramsey. To his credit, he tried very hard not to laugh mercilessly.
But were it not for our failures, we would have no basis for success. Besides, the little bastard had it coming. Here's to badassitude:
"Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded by work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb!" - Stewie Griffin, The Family Guy
User Reviews
Submitted by tictactoe (user info) at 2004-08-18 09:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor Ramsey.
Submitted by whiskeyjack (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was awesome!!! I have a teacher named Mr.Ross except no man is crazy enough to cross paths with him.
Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for that fucker getting his comeuppance, and another +1 for quoting one of my favourite Stewie lines from Family Guy, although I don't see how it's related to your post.
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2004-08-17 23:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
little fucker.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will there be a non-Reader's Digest version?
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-08-17 11:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Creatures like that should not be in school in the first place. They should be at "training" institutions, where they get pointers on how to cook a mighty fine burger.
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-08-17 11:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! stupid wanna be badass white boys, they'll all get theirs.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-08-17 10:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass (+2)
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-17 10:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Belle
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-17 10:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for you
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-08-17 10:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The "neo-Socrates" line was great.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-08-17 08:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a God.
Especially if Belle's story is true. Which i think it is.
There definately is a God.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2004-08-17 08:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my teachers had a killer put down:
"Right then Johnny, if you're not interested in this lesson, I'll give you some individual work especially for you. Take this and rehearse it as it will be very important to you in later life... certainly more important than English Literature. I'll test you at the end of the class."
The paper he handed over was always something like this:-
"Do you want fries with that."
Submitted by punchdrunk (user info) at 2004-08-17 08:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-17 05:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-08-17 05:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cymak (user info) at 2004-08-17 05:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope, he didn't sue. It was his fault, apparently.
Sorry, this is the Reader's Digest version because I was responding to another post with this.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-08-17 05:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could of done with a bit more detail.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-17 05:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He didn't sue KFC?