Masturbation for Dummies or: When a Penis Says, “No,” It Really Means, “Yes, YES, YESSSSSSS!” (1302 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0.79 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Count No-Count (View user info) at 2004-08-17 12:15:36 EDT
Some things in life are certain. Death, for example, is a given. Abraham Simpson was absolutely correct when he said, "Death is everywhere these days. You gotta be careful." Of course, Ol' Abe was a delusional old crackpot who "hanged more 'n a few" Irishmen, refused to recognize "Missourah" as a state, and loved all things "Matlock," so his opinion is to be weighed cautiously, very cautiously.
By the same clichéd token, taxes are also a reality of life in the Modern Age. Taxes, at least in the Good Ol' U. S. of A., are intended to sustain governmental potency by "provid[ing] for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States." Sometimes they go up and sometimes they go down but - immediately and anon - there will always be taxes.
So, in this workaday world, where Death crouches ominously behind every harmless lampshade, where you're only as secure as your next paycheck allows, where cats and dogs do indeed seem to be becoming quite comfortable with one another, what can a person (read: a man) do to achieve some semblance of normalcy, some semblance of sanity, some semblance of adequacy in a world that seeks to humble and confuse its merely mortal inhabitants?
Well, if you're reading this (or, if you thoroughly read the title, and you're only skimming the content), you know that the answer lies within...your pants.
But, let's digress and take a moment to address societal mores as they pertain to this messy business. Self-pleasure is often frowned upon, especially in the Western World (perhaps worldwide, but who cares about the rest, right?), in which you are regarded as, at best, lecherous (or, at worst, leprous) for seeking solace in purely sensual pursuits. We have all heard stories of weak men who were broken by their carnal desires, popular legends involving hairy palms and acne, and tales of Biblical wrath let loose upon those whose wicked ways defy the sexual decorum of the day.
I must admit that, earlier in my life, I was probably swayed by this propaganda, at least subconsciously. The early-to-mid-1990's were heady times. I, your humble narrator, was in the waning years of what, at the time, seemed to be a productive high school experience. Hollywood was still producing mildly interesting drivel (but, drivel nonetheless), an admitted former drug user and accused sexual "deviant" occupied the White House, Evander Holyfield still possessed a full pair of ears, and the specter of Communism had been essentially vanquished. It was also during this time period that Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders dropped her chastity belt and took her now-famous stance on the benefits of masturbation, especially as it pertains to the teenage population. She was, of course, promptly fired, doomed to live out her life as the Rosa Parks of Jacking-Off.
This, of course, is merely prologue. Besides, I couldn't pick Elders out of a lineup.
Life in the 21st Century, with the proliferation of internet eroticism, increasingly risqué teen fashion, and superficially loose (though not nearly as loose in practice...damn teases) sexual standards has become increasingly tedious and wrought with pent-up sexual frustration, especially for the Average Neurotic Male. Are we men not animals? Have we really progressed beyond the evolutionary archetype that insists we scratch ourselves and poke anything that moves? "All signs point to NO," the Magic 8-Ball declares. (Would you believe it took 20 attempts to garner this result? DAMN YOU MATTEL!)
So, the next time you ______the_______ (insert masturbatory euphemism here), do it with the security and self-confidence that comes from knowing that you have to, because if you didn't, you would probably go insane.
I leave you now with instructions for the perfect nut-bust:
1) Procure the necessary erotic materials, including but not limited to videos, magazines or other printed materials, electronic or computer media, a fertile imagination, butt plugs, and lotion. Place them in the Designated Area for Masturbatory Notions (heretofore referred to as DAMN!).
2) Close all blinds in the DAMN! and fully secure the area, ensuring that you are alone and free of distractions such as family, friends, household pets, and old girlfriends with whom you are still acquaintances who for some unknown reason decide to drop by and inadvertently walk in on you because you forgot to lock the front door, you lazy bastard.
3) Return to your pile of necessary erotic materials and remove the butt plug. You don't need it for this exercise. If you do, you're a freak. Kill yourself.
4) If you're still alive and have taken the aforementioned precautions, feel free to undress and sit or lie in a position that is comfortable and which provides easy access to the necessary erotic materials. Resist the temptation to undergo this experience while partly dressed. I know that the zipper provides easy access to your treasured member, but you want this experience to be meaningful and not mechanical. If you masturbate with your pants done, through the zipper, you are psychotic, and you are going to Hell. Do the civilized world a favor and commit suicide. Work up the nerve by telling yourself that you're doing it for the Good of Your Country.
5) If you're still alive, begin masturbation by teasing your member without any kind of lubrication. Vary your rhythm enough to put your peener on full tilt. Occasionally bark insults at it, e.g., "You think you control me!? Who's the boss, now, bitch!? That's right, me! Don't even think about screaming!" Continue this for at least one hour. This is where all those Kegel exercises that you do at your desk in the middle of the day really start to pay off.
6) When you're ready to "go," get up and make a sandwich in the kitchen (where else?). Watch a [American] football game on television if there is one being played. When you have only one bite remaining and you feel your peener is sufficiently off-guard, punch it in the head and yell, "You thought I was finished!? Oh, I'm JUST GETTING' WARMED UP!!"
7) Return to the DAMN! and continue flogging without lotion for another hour until you are ready to "go" again. At this time, make with the lotion and go for as long as you can until your chest starts to tighten and your eyes start to bulge.
8) Gradually drop your guard and experience sweet release, at last.
I would be happy to answer any questions you may have. I must warn you, however, that I will do so at my leisure, so wear a raincoat.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nomad (user info) at 2004-08-17 20:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:49:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
Is it wrong that I masturbated to Jeopardy:Teen Edition?
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You aren't joking are you?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am the anti-mo, sonny.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is it wrong that I masturbated to Jeopardy:Teen Edition?
Submitted by R.aZeN (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Lame-o. brb, off to kill myself.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41997
Submitted by CountNoCount (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:15:08 (#)
Ranking: -1
I think what you'd REALLY like is to plant your tongue firmly in my ass...
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No, not unless you are a woman, and your ass is a second vagina.
Regardless, you're still paying for dinner.
Homo.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I think what you'd REALLY like is to plant your tongue firmly in my ass...
Submitted by CountNoCount (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:47:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how you write as if I where reading something very much akin to my work, but I must say to you that having sex is a better solution, rather than trying to legitimize masturbation.
Of course we cannot all share in those ecstasies.
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Thanks for the compliment. It means a lot to a first-time poster.
I can assure you that I'm not attempting to legitimize masturbation as a primary mode of sexual activity, and that for much of the essay my tongue was planted firmly in cheek...
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how you write as if I where reading something very much akin to my work, but I must say to you that having sex is a better solution, rather than trying to legitimize masturbation.
Of course we cannot all share in those ecstasies.
Submitted by CountNoCount (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-17 12:32:24 (#)
Ranking: -1
Toom much reading...Spanking your bird isn't a "learned" endeavor...It's part of your genes...your make-up...your very being, if you will.
Oh, and practice makes perfect.
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I'm sorry that it required toom much reading. Nothing good could ever come of that.
As for the genetic thing, well, that was partly the point.
Submitted by CountNoCount (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-17 12:23:33 (#)
Ranking: 1
I read Abraham Simpson as Abraham Lincoln to start with and spent about five minutes cracking up at the thought of Honest Abe going "Maaaatlooooooock!" Then I read it properly and laughed again at my own stupidity. :(
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HAHAHA. You're silly.
I've never been one to turn down unintended laughs.
Submitted by IsawBoobs (user info) at 2004-08-17 12:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two for mentioning kegel excerises
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-17 12:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Toom much reading...Spanking your bird isn't a "learned" endeavor...It's part of your genes...your make-up...your very being, if you will.
Oh, and practice makes perfect.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-17 12:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I read Abraham Simpson as Abraham Lincoln to start with and spent about five minutes cracking up at the thought of Honest Abe going "Maaaatlooooooock!" Then I read it properly and laughed again at my own stupidity. :(