Buying Condoms: The Ultimate Male Challenge (2356 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2004-08-17 13:07:49 EDT
You stand there, eyes fixed on all the different varieties. So many choices. Your mind is screaming to make a decision.
"Should I get the Lubricated ones? Or should I go for the ribbed ones, for her pleasure? Trojan or Durex? Ultra Thin? Large? Nah, that might look like a pool cover over a walnut. Magnum? She might be impressed. But what if I don't fit? Shit, I'd better go for the regulars. Box of three or six? Please God, let me pick the right ones."
That's when you notice the little old lady staring at you. How long was she standing there? She must have been watching you the whole time. You little pervert. You shouldn't be here. Everybody is staring at you, waiting for you to pick it up. That's right, just pick it up so they can all watch you and judge you and laugh at you.
Oooo, they have strawberry flavored ones too.
You quickly grab it and jam it in your pockets. Everybody is disgusted. You're just a dirty boy. You probably don't even know what you're about to do, do you? You're just going to mess it up, and then everybody will laugh at you. Even your girlfriend is going to laugh in your face as you sit there with your pecker hanging out, unsure of how to put it on.
Do these things have directions? Maybe a diagram? You walk to an empty aisle and look for one.
Oh shit, now you've done it. You went and looked for a diagram. That means that you were looking for a picture of a cock. Does that make you gay? You quickly look around and jam it back into your pockets.
She's probably had bigger before, too. Why'd you go with the regulars, you dumb fuck? Should you go back?
You peek around the corner, and there's too many people around. They're all watching you. Waiting, and judging, and laughing, and pointing.... you break out into a cold sweat. You look at the box again.
It's a pack of six.
What the hell is she going to say? Will she think that you were expecting to go for six times? Will she think that there are other girls on the menu? Oh, she's gonna be pissed. Then she won't have sex with you. Then everybody's gonna hear about the pervert who bought the wrong condoms, and didn't get laid.
Oh God, look at you. You're having second thoughts, aren't you? You little pansy. Your little faggot balls haven't dropped yet, have they? You don't have what it takes to waltz up to the cashier and slam down that pack of rubbers, do you? That's right, you little homo.
Look at yourself. Standing there holding that ridiculous box and thinking about cocks. You just finished growing your last pube, and you can't even-
Oh shit, did you shave? Nope. You got the 70's fro going on. What will she think? She'll probably freak out when she sees it. She'll never blow you if you look like you've got Don King's head in your pants. Dammit. And what about the condoms? Those're gonna catch on your pubes and rip em off while you're failing in thrusting the right way.
Put them back! Just go commando and fuck her raw, you pansy!
No! You'll get her pregnant, and then you'll have retarded babies!
You shake your head, breathe deep and take a step forward. She's waiting. You have to do it. That's right, just make it up to the register. Almost there. You can do it.
"Uhm.... are you purchasing anything, sir?"
Damn, she's ugly. Why do all the fat goth chicks work at these places? Dammit, now she's gonna see what you're buying. Oh shit, what if the bar code doesn't run through!? What's gonna happen then!? 'Price check on Six-Pack Regular Sized Trojans! I repeat...'
"Oh.... uh, sorry. Here you go."
You pull out the box. That filthy little box, with your filthy little hands. She knows what you're planning. You pervert. And you bet she wants some of the action, too. She's probably gonna wrap her ham-sized hands around your head and push you to the ground. Then she's gonna have her way with you, and then everybody will hear about how you boned a fat goth chick. And you probably thought about men too. Faggot.
"Is this all?"
Did she just lick her lips? Oh, she is so ready to rape you. She's even dirtier than you are. She probably didn't wash her hands after taking a dump either. Look at her. What a filthy creature. Just standing there, covered in germs. All day, she was just pooping and wiping and pooping and wiping and pooping and wiping and pooping and wiping and pooping and wiping and pooping and wiping......
"Yea." You squeak. "That's it."
Pathetic bastard. Hurry up. Everybody's looking at you and your filth. Pay the fat bitch, and get the hell out of there!
"That'll be five-ninety-five please."
You hand her a few crumpled bills, and grab your dirty little prize. Should you run back and change your selection real quick? No, you've been here far too long. You need to get out. Everything is just covered in your dirty dirty filth!
"Keep the change!" You mutter.
"Thank you. Have a good night." She responds.
What does she mean by that? You shudder, and bolt for the door, hiding those horrible things in your pocket. She didn't even ask if you wanted a bag, the dumb bitch. God, she was hideous. And she wanted you in the worst way, too. Too bad you're gay though. Homo.
You finally get inside your car. Your girlfriend seems angry.
"What took you so long?"
"Uhm.... there was a long line."
"At ten-thirty at night!?"
"Yea. Crazy time, you know."
"Look, I'm not really in the mood anymore. Maybe we should save this for another time."
"What!? But-but-"
"Oh God, you're such a typical guy. Fucking asshole."
"Dumb bitch."
Wonder what that goth chick is doing after work?
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-28 10:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Buying condoms: a girl's job
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:35:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
next time of course haver her buy them.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
next time of course haver her buy them.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-07 14:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Terrific. Something that I go through everytime I have to buy condoms. Though with less thoughts about cock.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-01-10 18:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh shit, did you shave? Nope. You got the 70's fro going on. What will she think? She'll probably freak out when she sees it. She'll never blow you if you look like you've got Don King's head in your pants."
+2 right there.
"Put them back! Just go commando and fuck her raw, you pansy!
No! You'll get her pregnant, and then you'll have retarded babies!"
+2 again for that.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2004-09-16 14:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
raw doggin' is the only way to go. Just pull it out, take a piss, and pour some whiskey on it and everything will be alright
Submitted by cnympho247 (user info) at 2004-08-24 10:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahah. :-D
Submitted by I_have_a_man_fetish at 2004-08-23 04:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 because it was good, -2 because its too good to be yours and im convinced its cut and pasted. 0.
Submitted by MajicWalrus at 2004-08-19 02:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was hilarious!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-18 22:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would suggest running up and down the aisles screaming "Trojan maaaaaaaan!"
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Condoms keep me from the AIDS!
-- Ralph Wiggum
This Little Wiggy
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-08-18 12:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasn't scared of buying condoms.
Am now.
Thanks very much.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-08-18 11:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn it this is sooo B@W
Submitted by onejupiter (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cute
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats the unfuckingvarnished truth.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-17 23:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Here's my advice for buying condoms.
Get the biggest box you can possibly get. That way you won't run out for awhile.
Smile as you buy them son, you're getting laid tonight.
Resist the urge to buy the biggest one's unless you really need them. All you need is for it to fall off at the moment of truth. Then you'll know what real worry is about.
In the seventies when I was buying them it was kind of a big deal. Now it should be SOP to carry them. You don't want babies, disease or death do you?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-17 23:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you're going down
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-17 23:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Val needs a good, stiff cock in her.
Will no one step up to the plate?
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-17 23:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a wise man once said, "it's all about sticking it in."
wait.
that was me.
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the goth chick would have probably been better in bed anyway...
Submitted by KieferSutherland (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is funny. But, when I go to buy condoms I make it extremely apparent that that is what I'm doing. You're getting your hole. Be proud!
Submitted by Tizzle (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny funny.
Though, if you -did- have retarded babies, with the fat goth chick or the other one, would be far more amusing. =P
But, being a female, it's understandable what you're going through. But I've never had to buy condoms, and I wouldn't if I was guy anyway. The idea of fucking a balloon isn't really... all that sexually appealing.
Next time, make the CHICK get the pill. Let her buy the contraceptive so she has the privilige with sleeping with you and 'inhaling' your man-milk.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooo, they have strawberry flavored ones too.
-- You wanna taste of that, eh??
Hey- if I dont catch you online later, email me at
pink_flip.at.hotmail.com (yes, that's really it)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Buying condoms is a badge of pride.
Trojan Polyurithane (sp?) The fucking best. Pun fully intended.
Submitted by vajokki (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time an old woman (or man for that matter) stares, ask what her preferance is. She's old, she probably had billons of penises and bottles and the occasional root vegatable in her now cream-cheese textured vagina.
Submitted by Nomad (user info) at 2004-08-17 20:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No! You'll get her pregnant, and then you'll have retarded babies!
EHEHE!
Submitted by Khoublaikhan (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ohh man, this piece is amazingly funny, but seeing the words gay and homo seemed to give me a boner. just kidding. I signed up just so i could tell you how much this kicks ass...then i found out that you don't have to sign up...
+2 for giving me a boner
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:37:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love buying condoms or sex toys/pornos. I go right up to the register
and make small talk with the cashier as if I wasn't buying a ginormous
black cock and a tape called amateur anal intruders.
Then when he says "have a nice night"
I wave the dildo at him and say "you bet i will"
--------------------------------------------------------
hahahahaha
amatuer anal intruders
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love buying condoms or sex toys/pornos. I go right up to the register
and make small talk with the cashier as if I wasn't buying a ginormous
black cock and a tape called amateur anal intruders.
Then when he says "have a nice night"
I wave the dildo at him and say "you bet i will"
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just became my new favorite post. Top job Matt.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:28:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha man you nailed it.
The worst was one time, for some ungodly reason, they had the condoms behind the counter, and you have to tell them which ones you want. It sucks when you went to school with the girl at the register. It sucks more when you have to ask her for 'regular' when she hands you 'magnum.'
What becomes even worse is when this situation occurs when you are buying feminine hygeine products, (as a male), you hope you come across as a sensitive guy, but you just know they are gonna put out the call asking for " a price on a large box of Super Size Tampax".
-Davros
Submitted by whiskeyjack (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should feel proud whenever you buy condoms, because it means your getting some
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wait....wait for this.....
the ultimate male challenge?
WHAT THE HECK ARE WOMAN THINKING??!!! gigglesnort!!!
Submitted by bush_lies (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i don't see why you're so nervous, i'm always proud. i walk up to the counter and slam them down with my head held high and say "i'm getting laid so hurry this up."
Even a more proud moment is going in with your girl friend so she can get the pill.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you catholic?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-17 16:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I need protection I just wrap my penis in tin foil and go to town.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2004-08-17 15:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if i can suck it up and buy a vibrator from a male clerk... then you can handle buying condoms without blushing
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-08-17 15:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled. +2!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Buy these condoms http://www.ubersite.com/m/41997
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was reall funny, Matt.
So tell me, when do you turn 16 again? Betcha can't wait to get your licence!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mind is a frightening.... and yet somehow strangely appealing little place.
I asecond the B@W nomination.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The answer to the condom buying conundrum: Self Check Out.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA peener!
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe the best thing i have ever read on uber
B@W !!!!!!!
Submitted by Screwyouall (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my god, you pansy, i wasnt even like that when i got my first box. Its just stupid condoms, you need to grow up, considering that you care waaaaay too much what other people think of you. What are you, like 16 or something?
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-08-17 14:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a box once that really did have instructions, cock picture and all.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's how I felt buying condoms...when I was SIXTEEN! Now I proudly go up to the counter and ask "do you sell these by the case?"
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Homo.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
must... resist... urge... to reveal... that I buy magnum...
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, relaxxx
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I had the same experience the first time I bought feminine products...
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
matt, this was great.
i liked the use of the second person. well done.
Espo
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for playing the paranoid fuckwit very well.
But damn, if that is truly what you go through when buying a box of rubbers,
you may as well die right now. It's not that big a deal.
You dirty little homo!
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha man you nailed it.
The worst was one time, for some ungodly reason, they had the condoms behind the counter, and you have to tell them which ones you want. It sucks when you went to school with the girl at the register. It sucks more when you have to ask her for 'regular' when she hands you 'magnum.'
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah. It's kinda like that.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-17 13:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing. When I buy condoms though I usually just say 'fuck it, I'm getting some'. Grab them, a few other things I need and act cool.