When in Doubt, Give 'em a Picture of Yourself (1932 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phoenix (View user info) at 2004-08-17 17:40:18 EDT
I'm not one who is now - or ever has been - very good at giving gifts. Registries are a nice luxury to have for the picky receiver, but I find, much to my dismay, that most things people list on their registry are items that cost a bit more than I had intended on spending. Perhaps I could attribute my difficulty in finding the "perfect gift" to my being a penny pinching cheapskate...
Guys are the toughest to buy gifts for (and all the guys are going to start screaming how that's not true, how GIRLS are the toughest to buy gifts for, and if you're sporting a penis, that very well may be true). Guys and couples. I hate buying wedding gifts because - being the penny pinching cheapskate that I am - there is no such thing as an inexpensive wedding gift. That is, not if you're getting the newlyweds something they WANT. Sure, you could get a wedding gift for under 10 bucks, but more than likely, it'll be recycled into a gift for a friend's birthday (think "Old School" and the toast maker).
My brother got married last month, and I didn't get him a gift. I was a BRIDESMAID in the wedding, and I had nothing to offer the happy new couple aside from my sisterly condolences. Isn't it a given that if you're part of the family or part of the wedding party you have to get a gift? Well, I was a part of both, and I decided that my money would be better spent on, say, my car payment. Besides, I traveled from Nevada to Wisconsin for the damn wedding, and they expect MORE? I, unfortunately, am not equipped with bottomless pockets overflowing with an endless amount of cash.
Before you start throwing tomatoes at your monitor (or whatever it is you do when you get mad at the internet and the invisible people behind it) and start yelling at how selfish I am (My GOD. Her own BROTHER), I DID get them a gift. Eventually. After they got back from their honeymoon. And I even managed to spend less than $10 (hey, some people will never be able to overcome the fact that their money is better sent on themselves - I am one of them, but at least I got them SOMETHING).
I was a little stumped at what would serve as a good, cheap, and enjoyable gift (the three seem to rarely be used in the same sentence together), so I turned to my mom for a suggestion as my mom is always ready and willing to give awful advice - her idea of gifts that people will ENJOY is slightly misconstrued.
When I was a sophomore in high school, I was absolutely smitten with the cute, quirky boy who I held hands with and kissed in the hallways and therefore dubbed my boyfriend. Ah, puppy love. I HAD to get him the perfect Christmas gift because the perfect Christmas gift equaled cool girlfriend points and not much mattered to my 15-year old self other than being the coolest girlfriend to my quintessential bad ass high school boyfriend. Unfortunately, we'd only been making out between class periods for about 2 weeks at that point so my ideas for what to get him for Christmas were null. I turned to my all-knowing, eccentric mother for ideas (really cheap ideas, at that being the broke unemployed teenager that I was).
My mom's idea, at that point in time, seemed entirely fabulous: she suggested that I give him a framed picture for Christmas. A framed picture of none other than yours truly. Hey! It doesn't get much cheaper than that! And what guy wouldn't want a picture of his new girlfriend? He could put in his locker! I swooned at the idea of him seeing my face smiling at him every time he opened his locker.
What my mom didn't bother to mention, and what didn't occur to me at the time - giving someone a framed picture of yourself for any gift-giving occasion not only makes it blatantly obvious that you're being cheap, but it makes you look painfully egotistical. For those of you curious about how my gift went over with my high school honey, his response went a little something like this: "Oh, gee...ah...huh...um...thanks....wow...a picture of you..." What ever happened to it being the thought that counted? Not that I can think of what kind of selfless thought goes into giving someone a picture of yourself.....
When I called my mom up to consult her about an (extremely belated) wedding gift to my dear brother and my new sister-in-law, she suggested I give them something that would REALLY mean a lot to them, something they could really treasure, like "a framed picture of you and Matt." I fail to see how my brother and his new wife would "really treasure" a picture of me and my boyfriend. I told her after my LAST incident of giving someone a picture of myself as a gift I didn't ever plan on doing it again. Where in the world did my mom get the idea that this was a GOOD gift idea? I can only imagine how I'd feel if someone gave me a picture of themselves. I guess it's one way to give a gift a still retain your selfish reputation.
I opted to get my brother and his wife a cute coffee table book entitled "Advice for a Happy Marriage from Mrs. Deitz's Third-Grade Class." It's even complete with those crude third-grader drawings like a stick man and a stick woman holding hands under what appears to be a neon pink and yellow rainbow. It only cost $7.95 plus shipping and handling, and I think they could enjoy and "treasure" a charming coffee table book more than a framed picture of me and mine.
I have a handful of birthdays coming up in the fall season, including my boyfriend's. I'm a little bewildered about what I should get him. I think I'll just settle for a subscription to "Playboy." That way I don't have to spend too much money, and I'll be revered by his friends and coworkers for years to come.
A present for Uber from thoughtful Phoenix....
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-13 18:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-11 21:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was random
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-11 21:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:47:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, Val. I am now in love with Phoenix.
==============================================
Bah.
(Phoenix- you are beautiful)
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-11-03 23:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You always look naked in pictures of yourself. I like it.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-08-19 18:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Women are so stupid, give him a blowjob when he wakes up, and a dinner that includes wings and we're happy.
Submitted by bad_absinthe (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude - it was a BREAD MACHINE that Ferrel kept trying to give away in Old School. And, a "toast maker" is called a "toaster" in this country.
+0 for being cheap now & when you were 15. Have you learned nothing?
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pheonix,
What you need to give your man for his birthday is a six pack of his favorite lager and a blow job, since you're so cheap. When when you blow him, make sure to work the sack, suck on some balls and if you're daring enough, give his chode a nice "hows your father" with the tongue.
- 1.21GW
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
booooring. next time take off the dress and get a full body pic.
Submitted by retarded_ape123 (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stupid bitch
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
xenon - why is wanting to get my boyfriend "Playboy" a bad idea?
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for good story.
-2 for wanting to get boyfriend Playboy.
BAD IDEA
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should I feel dirty for getting turned on by the spork reference?
Submitted by Smithstudd (user info) at 2004-08-18 01:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for having a boyfriend......+1 for being a scrooge.......+3 for being the woman of my dreams......
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey that is great idea for a gift for your boyfriend.
Then when he is boinking you he can have a mental picture of the latest playmate in his head.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2004-08-17 23:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could give out anal sex as the universal gift.
Which reminds me ... my birthday is coming up.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-17 20:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
niiiice.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-08-17 19:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bamboozle- that's dorkier than cahoots
"Don't you bamboozle me, Eugene!"
Jesus, my head is fucking killing me.
Submitted by ofMontreal (user info) at 2004-08-17 19:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didnt read it i just looked at the picture. +2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-17 19:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are adorable.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-17 19:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when you talk dirty.
The only word I could think of dorkier than 'cahoots' was Eugene. And that's not even a word, it's a name.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-08-17 19:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:::sigh:::
It's good to be in cahoots with my faux-lesbian lover again. I sure missed you while I was gone Kwissy, you sexy thang you.
Yes, I used the word "CAHOOTS." What's it to ya?
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No...I sniffed my pie, I stuck a spork in my pie, I licked the creamy sauce out of my pie, but I didn't rub it on the computer screen. I'm sawwy.
Hahaha, that's so wrong.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Kwissy -
Did you rub your pie over the monitor like I asked you?
What??
;-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. Gripping. I laughed. I cried.
I touched myself to your picture.
What?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phoenix- I just hope yours isn't #10. That's all I have to say.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Herpes -
My ass can be found here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/33276 among the rest of the, um, beautiful asses of Uber.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude spit those plums out!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:04:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture belongs here: http://www.ubersite.com/u/I_Have_A_Kristen_Fetish
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-17 18:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every year, at our office X-mas party/dinner, we do the ol' "Secret Santa" thing.
And every year, for the past three years, I've given, as my gift, not only a framed picture of ME, but an autographed one at that.
Then, I give them their real, piece of shit gift.
On a side note, is there any chance I can bend you over the couch for a quickie, Phoenix?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmmmm Phoenix. Gorgeous as always.
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not cheap, you're thrifty! Or you can say you're a price conscious consumer.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes yes we all know you are fine and have a Natalie Portman resemblance going on... but...
wait, there is no but.
SHOW ME YOUR ASS!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, shark25. It's good to be back.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good idea on the playboy's and it is good to see you posting again.
DON"T EVER LEAVE FOR THAT LONG AGAIN!!!
I AM WATCHING YOU!!
Just kidding.
No he isn't.
Shut up voice in my head.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, Val. I am now in love with Phoenix.
Submitted by geofroley (user info) at 2004-08-17 17:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh. I'd do ya.