Girl Problems? (1958 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.74 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jose (View user info) at 2004-08-17 20:37:31 EDT
First off, I'd like to say hello to the ladies. Don't take offense with what I'm about to say, it's just the truth.
Women:
All men, and even some ladies, love women. Something about the beauty of a woman's face, the smell of a lady in the morning, and those OH so sweet breasts. If there's anything better in this world, I'd be hard pressed to tell you. Maybe it might be a sweet ass. I love asses that are just round and plump and oh so spankable.
How Women Are:
All women are catty bitches. The ones who say they aren't, just act civil in front of us guys to get us to do what they want. That's also a showcase of the manipulativatility (*yes I make up words) that women have. They are evil, vile creatures who will do and say whatever it takes to make sure they get what they want, or, to make sure someone who they don't like doesn't get what they want. Constant competition within the ranks of the "fairer" sex.
What Women Want:
This is a fucking mystery. Nobody in the world can answer this question, not even the woman herself. If you ask a woman what she wants, she might be honest with you. She might lie to you. One thing is certain however. Whatever it is that she wants will change at a moment's notice. This is the reason most people in the world have girl problems. They try too hard to make their woman happy and give them what they want but don't realize that no matter what you do, or what you give, it's never enough. If it is enough, her mind will change as soon as she has it. Yes men, this even applies to you!
What to do:
So you think you're ready to tackle one of these things called a woman, and start a relationship? Well buddy, never let her know that. Even after you've found one you like, always seem unavailable and unattentive. Why you ask? Well, it all goes back to what women want. If you make them think they want your attention, that's what they're going to strive for. To hell with getting you to pay for their hair and nails, they just want you to acknowledge them. After a few dates and a few "nice guy" acts, begin to change. Become more and more mysterious and secretive (If you're not really mysterious or anything of the sorts, and are some boring schmuck, LIE). Play the Romeo role, and she'll crush you like crackers.
So now you've got a girl who thinks you're "dating", but isn't really sure because you never want to talk to her about the officialityness* of your status. The longer you can keep it that way, the more the later lessons will pay off.
When you want the ass:
Fucking a girl for the first time can be a challenge. Not so much in today's day and age, but if it's someone you're thinking about actually dating, it shouldn't be with a girl who fucked you in the back of your El Camino after the first date at the drive-in. Many non-slut girls want the first time they fuck someone else to be special or whatever. Take notes.
After the date, the date that you've been mysterious on, look at your new woman and spout out some cheeseball lines. Not just any cheeseball lines. Supercheese lines that wouldn't even make it into the shittiest Ron Jeremy production. Lines that sound sincere, and heartfelt. Make it seem like you have feelings and shit with lines like "Normally I'm withdrawn (or you can say shy, quiet, gay, defensive) around people, but with you, I feel like I may be able to let myself open up." Chicks dig that shit. Shit that makes them feel more special than the kids on the short bus. At that point, unless you're some unmackadocious* douche, you've established her "wants". What she wants at that moment, is to get you to be more open with her. More often than not, you'll tap the ass, and you better make sure she gets off before you even think about sticking it in. Never ever be shitty the first time you hit it. You must blow her mind, or she'll never put up with your shit, especially not for some shitty dick.
How to keep it going as long as you want:
Be a dick. Be a jackass. Be the typical fucking jerk that you used to hate back in high school. You know the type. The guy who was fucking you crush under the bleachers, and fingering her best friend next to you in algebra class (Ok that second part was me, more on that another day). Chicks dig being treated like dirt, as long as they think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. A nice guy who's just going to one day realize how much he loves her.
Bonus - This even helps prevent cheating. She's way too fucking busy trying to figure you out, that she doesn't have time to fuck around with trying to figure out other guys.
Every once in a while, not too often, be the fucking man of her dreams. Be the nicest "Hi baby how was your day let me kiss your ass and wash your toes" fucking guy you can be. It's not that hard to do, and most morons have to do that shit on a daily basis or catch a bitch fest from the she-devil they never learned to control.
If none of this works for you, try my other advice. After all, that is why god put the knuckles on the backhand.
User Reviews
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-14 09:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has been nominated in First-Post-A-Palooza, go vote at http://www.ubersite.com/m/70666
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-12 13:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
douchetastic
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-04-13 22:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so true.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree.
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
saddest thing ever....this may be pretty damn true. =0\ god i hate to admit that.
it was funny either way tho.
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You can meet more women by not trying. Seriously. Try not trying.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-08-18 10:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny post, however it sounds like that guy David DeAngelo that keeps spamming my inbox with success stories about meeting more women by doing the obvious.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-18 09:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Its like that Seinfeld episode where his brain is playing chess with his penis, only my penis is Bobby Fischer and my brain is that retarded kid from "Life Goes On". "
So TRUE. I'm totally fucked!
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-08-18 02:11:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mentacot
Submitted by Smithstudd (user info) at 2004-08-18 01:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spread the word
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2004-08-18 01:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should write a book.
Submitted by Salmon (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Stuff
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Koolmangs relplies to this post made me laugh
Im going to hell sorry :(
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-08-18 00:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ya know...
this is surprisingly accurate.
(Yes, I'm a chick.)
Submitted by A Lesbian Trucker at 2004-08-17 23:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i dont take advice from spics
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-17 22:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
btw that email dont work....
Submitted by paul <paul.tyler.at.techpac.co.nz> at 2004-08-17 22:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by KieferSutherland (user info) at 2004-08-17 22:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
unmackadocious ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. This deserves another +2.
Submitted by KieferSutherland (user info) at 2004-08-17 22:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 you had me at unmackadocious. That is one of THE funniest fucking words I've ever heard. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to start using it.
Recently I had the experience of having the "we need to define our relationship" talk. I buckled under the pressure, I am a pussy, I said that yes, in fact, we are "together". Maybe one day I'll learn. But most likely not. My penis does way too much thinking. Its like that Seinfeld episode where his brain is playing chess with his penis, only my penis is Bobby Fischer and my brain is that retarded kid from "Life Goes On".
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-17 22:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2004-08-17 22:10:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not that they want to date assholes, it's just that they do. Think about it. How many awesome chicks have you known in your life, and how many of those have been dating assholes?
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I've known quite a few girls who I would say were awesome and who also dated assholes (or at least guys who played the same asshole game you recommend in order to get them attracted to them). But I've hooked up with quite a few of them (either before or after they dumped the asshole). The truth is, women don't want assholes. They want me.
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2004-08-17 22:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not that they want to date assholes, it's just that they do. Think about it. How many awesome chicks have you known in your life, and how many of those have been dating assholes?
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-17 22:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but what the hell would I want with some stupid girl who wants to date assholes? To hell with that. If she wants an asshole she can have my brother.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-17 22:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Antonio Banderas is my favorite actor, he makes excellent love scenes, he's the ultimate movie rapist!
Well, Anthony Hopkins is good for the acting, but Banderas is good for the love-making.
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Never to that extreme... and only once or twice total...
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jose, have you ever done a chick up the ass, hard, and they had to beg to stop?
Submitted by savethepunks (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking misogynists
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You are a strange character KoolMang.
And yes punk.. this can be applied to every woman. Well, every woman but your mother, sister, and grandmother. Those three are exceptions to the rule.
Submitted by savethepunks (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, look at me! I'm not going to say anything original and everything cliche, and not only that but I'll be sure to close the whole loophole to exceptions. Every girl is the fucking same according to you right asswhipe. Maybe in the bar/club scene where neanderthals perform their maiting rituals that's true, but that in no way can be applied to every girl. Fucking eat shit and die.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you have a young girlfriend, you could do the following to her to prepare her for the scarring:
-put butterknives into her vagina to simulate a pap smear.
-shove your fist up her vagina, and poke fingers into her cervix to simulate what it's like in a maternity ward.
That's all I got.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no problems.
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It is that easy Pete.
And rape is no laughing matter. Unless you're raping a clown.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lojope's a n00b who's been given quite a warm welcome on this site. She's been posting about her rape, her pregnancy, the pain of her pregnancy, her life experiences, basically she's had her share of scarring. She'll attack this post a lot.
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if it was only that easy
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who's lojope, and I'm not exactly reaching here, but why wouldn't she like this post?
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WEll if it's her first time having anal, give it to her rough, then! Have her push against the bedpost, and put a stick in her mouth, and rape away!
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-17 21:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't fucking wait until lojope sees this post lol.
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2004-08-17 20:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No such thing KoolMang. All women have been scarred at one point in time. I say, scar up your share of women. It's bound to happen. Why not be the one doing the scarring, instead of putting up with someone who's been jaded.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-17 20:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Cymak (user info) at 2004-08-17 20:46:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, why is it that girls like the assholes (I'm sure that this has been posted on repeatedly, but as of yet no one has come up with a completely definitive answer). I've tried both approaches: the nice guy, and the jackass who wants ass only. The latter wins EVERY GODDAMN TIME.
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Okay, but remember, girls also play the rape card a lot, dude. You can be all the asshole you want, but you can't beat your woman, or rape her, because she'll call the cops on you. So you can't be a COMPLETE asshole. But fear keeps her in line, I guess.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-17 20:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw what women want, let's focus on what guys want! I want the type of girl who's hot, nice, open-minded, and hasn't had any form of violation or abuse in their like. Pure, basically.
Submitted by Cymak (user info) at 2004-08-17 20:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, why is it that girls like the assholes (I'm sure that this has been posted on repeatedly, but as of yet no one has come up with a completely definitive answer). I've tried both approaches: the nice guy, and the jackass who wants ass only. The latter wins EVERY GODDAMN TIME.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-17 20:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or you could rape them!