The Art of Being an Asshole (Fucking Your Friends' Mothers and Then Teasing Them About It) (3248 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.47 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2004-08-18 01:29:23 EDT
I was young, horny, and most importantly...I was drunk and stoned. (A volatile mixture that can sometimes be your best friend.) When we weren't banging away on our electric guitars, screaming songs we'd written making fun of the old lady next door at midnight on a Sunday - (it's okay, she was deaf anyway)- or holding our breath and squeezing each other's chests till we passed out, we were usually standing around laughing at my best friend's dad and his friends when they belched out John Water-Melloncramp songs till the wee hours of the morning while high on any number of dangerous substances we could only dream of procuring ourselves at the time. (Damn, that was a long sentence!)
God them were the days! 11-year-olds just don't know how to have good clean fun anymore without shooting each other or something...Or was I 16? My age is immaterial here.
No, wait, actually it was part of my point, so scratch that sentence...I am too lazy to. Besides, I have an appointment to stare at the wall in about 30 minutes, and I don't want to be late.
Fuck, I was going to say something about how drugs actually kept us out of trouble, but I got sidetracked. None-the-less, there we were in this bastian of filth, excess, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. All was right with the world. The paint on the walls needed some work, and the flesh on our asses was beginning to be imprinted with the cushion pattern from the sofa, but other than that the only thing that seemed to be missing was good, quality, under-age, pre-marital (as if I'd ever marry the bitch anyway) sex. That's where Josh's mom came in...except for the underage part...she was 40-something.
Josh, we called him Squash because of his diminutive stature, was a friend of mine, an acquaintance if you will...ok, we got high alot. I had never even met his mom until one fateful night in the midst of a particularly long, excruciating, uncharacteristic sexual drought......ok, I was a virgin. What can I say, at 12 I was a late bloomer. Or was it 15?
Fuck it.
There she was, even drunker, higher, and more impressionable than yours truly. I can't really say she was a MILF exactly, but as you know, cocaine is a hell of a drug. As she was leaving I got this bright idea in my pants: I was going to follow her to her car and convince her to fuck me instead of leaving. This went well apparently because before long we were sans clothing.
Nothing can describe the extacy and sensuality inherent in envisioning your friend's birth while prodding the hole he came out of. This basically means I couldn't stop laughing. I guess she thought it was kinky or something, cause she came like a sow in stirrups. After a few minutes of congratulating myself for my conquest, reality sunk in...I just fucked Squash's mom! Holy SHIT! I just fucked Squash's mom!
"I wish you'd quit saying that," she said. (I had forgotten she was still in the room.)
"Are you still here?"
She left at some point after that, but I didn't notice because I was still laughing...
It was about a month later, (At this point, Squash still did not know about my recent violation of his orfice of origin.) We were all passing the doober when the usual wits match commenced, wherein everyone would contribute the sickest, most off-the-wall (which is where we usually got all our inspiration) thing that came to mind in a giant monster of a conversation that could never be properly described, and even if it could, would only be 37.6% as funny when not high. Somehow in the course of this behemouth of a conversation we began insulting each other. "Yo Momma" jokes abounded...
Squash to me: "Yo momma is so skanky, overtime at work means she had to book the room for an extra hour." (Don't criticize me, I never memorized any of these jokes and I just had to make that one up.)
A few scattered chuckles escape the circle.
Me to Squash: "Squash, I FUCKED YOUR MOM!"
Everyone else there, privy to the fact that I actually DID fuck his mom, explode into laughter leaving Squash feeling even smaller than the love hole fom whence he came...
He eventually found out years later that I really had fucked his mom. I haven't seen him since, and it's a good thing cause my ankle insurance expired long ago.
User Reviews
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-05-25 06:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember hitting on a buddy's mom once... You got further than I did. I got laughed at. :(
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...cocaine is a hell of a drug.
That reminds me of Rick James.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-12-01 21:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing quite like insulting yourself is there?
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 16:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
Submitted by equaIizer (user info) at 2004-10-21 21:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-18 21:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, this was mucho fun-o.
Submitted by equalizer (user info) at 2004-09-14 03:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Equalized.
Submitted by fake_bargled (user info) at 2004-09-07 18:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The "crowd" that had gathered was only a dozen or so and they kept their distance from the smell.
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2004-08-30 12:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
very well written. i laughed my ass off a few times.
mostly at the fact that its true, and i remember the first time you told me about it.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-25 22:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What brought you here??? I thought this post was dead...
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-25 21:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! I guess....
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-08-18 11:29:56 (#)
Ranking: -1
I met one of my smoking bussies girlfriend in cape cod in boston while I was on holiday and she was on a working holiday. I fucked her non stop when I was there. When I got back he asked me about her and in front of the lads I told him I fucked her. We all laughed but the fact was thae lads knew the truth and were laughing cos I successfully told a mate I fucked his girlfriend and had it come out as a bit of a lads laugh. Bad things happened when He found out I wasnt kidding a few months later.
c
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I suppose that's a better story than the one above, hence the -1...
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BLITZKREIG_BOB: well, you tell me what the fuck that means...Isn't it something to the effect 'That didn't happen the way you said it did'??? I am not a Yid and I don't come from Yidia, so speak English, or at least Ebonics.
Submitted by IsawBoobs (user info) at 2004-08-18 11:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy fuck, hahhahhahahhah, ROTFLMFAO
ANKLE INSURANCE? BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-18 11:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This might be the funniest review ever:
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-18 09:32:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-08-18 02:02:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
nicht alle esel haben vier beine
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Are you calling me a liar???? What is that...Yiddish? Cause that's what my cursory translation seems to indicate. You're right, I wasn't a virgin at the time.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-08-18 11:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I met one of my smoking bussies girlfriend in cape cod in boston while I was on holiday and she was on a working holiday. I fucked her non stop when I was there. When I got back he asked me about her and in front of the lads I told him I fucked her. We all laughed but the fact was thae lads knew the truth and were laughing cos I successfully told a mate I fucked his girlfriend and had it come out as a bit of a lads laugh. Bad things happened when He found out I wasnt kidding a few months later.
c
Submitted by philixx <philixx.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-08-18 09:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kick arse story dude
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-18 09:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-08-18 02:02:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
nicht alle esel haben vier beine
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Are you calling me a liar???? What is that...Yiddish? Cause that's what my cursory translation seems to indicate. You're right, I wasn't a virgin at the time.
Submitted by Takabrash (user info) at 2004-08-18 09:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile (+1)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-18 09:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Fetish....
To everyone else, what's wrong with you people?!? I am obviously as serial spammer and deserve to be -2d to high heaven! Next time, do your research.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-08-18 08:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That sucked balls
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-08-18 06:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh...
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-18 06:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 Spammer.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-08-18 06:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-08-18 04:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for squeezing
and a top story
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-18 04:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.... scary...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-18 04:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was really, really damned good. I laughed a few times.
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-08-18 04:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no pic!?
oh well
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-08-18 03:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-18 03:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahaha. lovely.
it reminds me of that time my best friends dad molested me. oh wait that sucked.
Submitted by punchdrunk (user info) at 2004-08-18 02:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You crazy asshole
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-08-18 02:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicht alle esel haben vier beine
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-08-18 01:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pure gold...the setup was a bit boring. :)
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2004-08-18 01:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work