He Picked Edwards? Shit. (444 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 0.75 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cymak (View user info) at 2004-08-18 06:39:15 EDT
I broke out this old article I wrote for my college newspaper because my first and only post on Uber did surprisingly well (18 +2 reviews and nothing else). To see if my brand of humor actually works here, or if I should just go back to lurking, I've decided to post this dated opinion piece on who Kerry should pick for VP (yes, I know the selection is over, asshole). Please note that I am not blazingly partisan in either direction (I'm a registered independent who's probably going to vote libertarian this time out), but tend to write to a liberal slant in my newspaper because my editor is a neoconservative, and I like making him angry. Anyway:
"Veepstakes in a Brave New World"
Eenie meenie minie moe. Such are the trials and tribulations of the selection process of finding the ideal vice presidential candidate, a dilemma faced this year by presumptive Democratic Nominee and The-Wooer-of-Ms.-Ketchup-himself, John F. Heinz. Er, Kerry.
A lot of the political punditry have been throwing out what they seem to think of as big, important names, such as John Edwards, Dick 'Dick' Gephardt, or Tom Vilsack (who seems to have trouble carrying his own state into the Democrat column). Some of the more bold opinion writers have even suggested conservative maverick John McCain.
McCain would be a great choice, especially to get back at Bush and Co. for dirty, underhanded cheating, or as they say in the Republican Party, "business as usual." I suggest a few names that Kerry's advisers have yet to consider but would create a tremendous swing in the undecided voting bloc.
Heartthrob Antonio Banderas. What could Karl Rove possibly conjure up to defeat Zorro, El Mariachi, and Tom Hanks' boyfriend from "Philadelphia" all at the same? Bill Frist? Bah, the idea is laughable. Try it on for size: Kerry-Banderas 2004.
Mr. T. He could alternate in between "I pity the fool" and "I actually pitied the fool, and then I voted against pitying the fool." Kerry-T 2004.
Jesus Christ. Apart from being the single most recognizable figure in human history, Jesus would probably have a few miracles up his sleeve for the October runoff right when things are getting really dirty. That is if Mel Gibson doesn't try to kill him again for emphasis. Kerry-Christ 2004.
Coincidentally, the idea of George W. Bush versus Jesus H. Christ doesn't sound all that far-fetched. For the largest part, Bush wouldn't even have to change his anti-Kerry platform.
Like Kerry, Jesus is a notorious flip-flopper. Walking on water: is he going to obey the laws of density or change the rules to suit him? After "dying" for our sins, he rose from the dead three days later. Did Jesus change his mind about the whole death thing? Or how about changing water into wine? All of these, the Republican Party would have us believe, are signs of Jesus' inability to take a strong stance on the issues and his tendency for "fair-weather politics."
Furthermore, in the spirit of "turning the other cheek" and "loving thy neighbor as thyself," Jesus has proven to America that he is soft on terror. Either that or he has a problem with prisoner abuse. But can we really take that chance?
On second thought, Kerry may just want to stick with Mr. T.
Remember: this is nonpartisan bullshit. It's not trying to persuade you to do anything other than laugh a little. That I have to state this shows how fucking stupid some people can really be. Until next time...
"Hey, Lois! Look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant, and a big fat white man who's threatened by change." - Peter Griffin, the Family Guy
User Reviews
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-08-18 11:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked Ms. Ketchup, made me laugh.
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-08-18 09:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus...wow I love using that word.
Anyway, not bad is this.
Submitted by DBPH (user info) at 2004-08-18 08:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
antonia banderas is dreamy
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-08-18 08:08:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh...it's okay.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-08-18 08:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No, and no.
Submitted by Cymak (user info) at 2004-08-18 07:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrew (user info) at 2004-08-18 07:12:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHAHA MISTOR T JOKES R LIEK SO ORIJINAL END CLAYVOR!!1!!111
"I PITIES TEH FOOL"---- LOLOLOLOLOL
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Oh, yes, and I suppose "Tupac Barney" and other such well-thought pontifications on the state of nature make for a far better post than any sort of reference to the kickass A-Team.
Does anyone take "Sacrew" seriously? And should I?
Submitted by Sacrew (user info) at 2004-08-18 07:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HAHAHA MISTOR T JOKES R LIEK SO ORIJINAL END CLAYVOR!!1!!111
"I PITIES TEH FOOL"---- LOLOLOLOLOL
Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-18 06:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Mr T! It should be Mr T running for president with John Kerry as his VP. "I pity the country for George W Bush putting us into our largest deficit of all time!"
Fellow world leaders would be so impressed with all of his bling bling!
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2004-08-18 06:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think jesus would be a bad VP. He's kinda old, and his dad might try to run the show. And how would they keep the who seperation between church and state with jesus in office.
Good write though