These glyphs look so much different at night (572 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.08 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Isaac Zeccs (View user info) at 2004-08-18 08:43:21 EDT
Untie me, I need no bounds, this city is getting way too loud.
I've got to leave here before i can get on with my lonely life.
I'd choose 3,000 miles from your telephone ring,
over anything that some money might bring, and that's clear to me now.
It took me almost a year, to remove your voice from my ear,
And I hope your mother knows that you've done her proud.
Still, every cigarette butt that tries to crawl from my ashtray,
is another sign that I'm not meant to stay.
I turned in my keys and ceiling for the breeze and some nimbus clouds.
I used to think life was just 4 walls and a door,
but now I'm colder and quieter than I ever was happy before,
And I now can finally smell the rain, without gasoline around.
I found a fatal flaw in every closet I've ever kept more than skeletons in.
Without mirrors around, I don't mind my crooked grin,
Not here or there, but the night's stars shine much brighter without urban glare.
So tonight, save my place on the ground.
-Isaac Zeccs
User Reviews
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's because you rule kristen.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I was singing it in my head while I read it.
GO ME WOO!
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey jerk off, i'm not 15, i know plenty about poetry, and this doesn't follow any sort of rhyme scheme because it's a song.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want your zeccs
Submitted by Dr. Stevenson <dr.stevenson.at.your.mom's.house> at 2004-08-18 16:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You put 5 lines in one stanza, and 3 in the next. That wrecks the bigger scheme, don't ya think?
>I'd choose 3,000 miles from your telephone ring,
>over anything that some money might bring, and that's clear to me now.
I don't understand, are you running away from a rich girl?
>Still, every cigarette butt that tries to crawl from my ashtray,
You'd have to be on some serious hallucinogens to see a cigarette butt crawl!
>I used to think life was just 4 walls and a door,
Damn you were small-minded.
>but now I'm colder and quieter than I ever was happy before,
This needs some serious rewording.
>And I now can finally smell the rain, without gasoline around.
What the hell is going on? Did you drink gasoline and lose your sense of smell?
>I found a fatal flaw in every closet I've ever kept more than skeletons in.
I'm going insane, what does this mean?
>Without mirrors around, I don't mind my crooked grin,
Good, some imagery that can be interpreted.
>Not here or there, but the night's stars shine much brighter without urban glare.
>So tonight, save my place on the ground.
I'd cut out the 'not here or there' and you got a nice ending.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:09:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been kind of busy eagle... and that's all i'll say on that matter, but i'll probably post a little more often when school starts up in a month or so.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I suppose this does read rather poorly, but its a song that i wrote, so in my mind, it makes perfect sense and flows like a fucking fish.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-08-18 10:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice imagery, but it could use a little more revision.
Have you considered not having rhyme? It might make the piece less cumbersome.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-08-18 09:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
whoops meant that to be a 1
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-08-18 09:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its kind of clunky but it stays thankfully away from the
"Night is the color of my dreams, my blood runs cold with death touching life" clichéd crap that internet poetry is generally suffused with
Submitted by kill all faggots <yousuck.at.life.bitch> at 2004-08-18 09:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
be a man not a faggot because this shit is just way too faggy
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-18 08:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was great.
Where have you been?!
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-08-18 08:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Some of the imagery came through, but it read really clumsily in my opinion.
The only situation I can see this working under is as the screamed lyrics of a death metal band....