Tom and Jimbo Square Up (3037 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Tom
Rating: 1.96 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-08-18 13:03:02 EDT
If you'll recall from http://www.ubersite.com/m/41366, Tom took a direct strike to the nutsack while defending me, and I swore that I would repay the debt someday. This is that tale.
After I finished my B.S. at Appalachian, I ended up going to the University of New South Wales for graduate school. Now, for those of you not well versed in Geography, UNSW is in Sydney, Australia. Australians like to drink and play rugby, as I found out the hard way. I hadn't been in school for more than a couple of days when my dorm (GO BASSER WOO!!) had their first pub crawl.
Being a sheltered person, I had never heard of a pub crawl, but here's a summation of the projected activities for the day:
1. The pub crawl started at 1PM and was supposed to end at 3AM.
2. There were 13 pubs on a map given to each participant by the "crawl organizer".
3. You were supposed get 25-30 minutes at each pub, then you had to move on to the next one on the list.
4. You were required to drink at least 1 pint at each pub going down the list, then 1 more going back.
For you non-math people out there, that's a total of 26 pints. Now, I'm not Hidden101, so I'll let you know that if I had consumed all that beer, I'd be in the fucking hospital getting my stomach pumped like Rod Stewart (except for beer rather than semen). I'd be lucky to make it past 9 or 10.
On a side note: The winter semester at UNSW started the second week of July, but of course classes didn't start back at ASU until August, so Tom and Nick came down to Sydney for a little vacation. That gave them a good couple of weeks to visit me, ruin my shit, and give me a bad reputation in the dorm before they had to go home.
So like a fetus we all headed out, and everything started out well (of course and as usual). We kicked it off at the Captain Cook, where we all got a pint of VB. Tom, Nick and I were each flirting with a different girl, none of whom seemed to be as impressed with our accents as we were with theirs.
We moved on the Palisade. I ordered a pint of Toohey's and as I retreated with it from the bar, I accidentally bumped into some big ass motherfucker who yelled at me and said he played for the Sydney Swans. I apologized profusely like the pussy I am and the situation blew over. Tom scowled famously. Nick was as unobtrusive as ever.
We took in Lord Nelson's and ordered a micro-brew. It was pretty damn good. A few of the crawl pack who decided to double up at each pub were getting a little out of hand. The three of us were all still fine.
A round of Newcastle Brown at the Hero Of Waterloo started to put me in a proper state. Nick was starting to get happy, as he does when he drinks. Tom started to get mean, as is his custom. I started to get a healthy buzz going. The remaining Basser crowd definitely started showing real signs of rioting soon.
We arrived at the Harbour View, and the alcohol was beginning to catch up with me. I tried to sip my Warsteiner, but Nick and Tom were having none of that. They demanded that I chug it and order another round. I think my vision was starting to blur. I got several comments from others that my speech was definitely slurred at that point. I was clearly showing external signs of inebriation.
I tried to chug a pint of Guinness at the Mercantile, and about a quarter of it landed on my shirt, prompting taunts and ridicule from the Australians about how Americans can't hold their beer. In defiance, I ordered another pint and chugged it without spilling a drop. I redeemed myself in their eyes, but understood that my brain would bill for it later. The crowd was getting entirely out of hand by then and the bar staff kicked us out of the pub 10 minutes early.
We tried to enter the Fortune of War, but the bartender at the Mercantile had apparently called ahead to warn them of our impending arrival. There was a Sydney police officer at the door, refusing entrance. Tom, Nick and I attempted to sneak in Ninja-style. We were promptly barred from entry by the cop, who said, "No pub crawl allowed in here."
Tom, to his credit, tried valiantly to talk his way in by replying, "We're not with the pub crawl, officer." But Tom was visibly fucked up at that point and was obviously not convincing enough.
The cop apparently did not like American students abroad, because he curtly stated, "You're not fooling me, son", and PUSHED Tom into the sign in front of the pub. Tom tripped over it, and landed gracelessly on his ass in front of a tight group of hot Basser chicks. For some bizarre reason, this completely enraged Tom. He jumped up.
Tom screamed "YAAAAAAAA-HEEEEEE!!!", like Thundar the Barbarian. And to my utter horror, he took a wild haymaker swing at the cop's head, missed by a fucking mile, completely lost his balance, and toppled headfirst into the flock of girls. They all laughed at him.
The cop didn't think it was funny at all, and he drew out his nightstick to lay a beat down on Tom. Like a fucking idiot dumbass friend, I stepped in to intercept the cop before he could connect with Tom, who by this time was lying helplessly on the ground, anxiously awaiting his impending ruin.
CRACK!! I took the baton strike directly on the bony point of my shoulder. My entire arm went numb and my momentum carried me straight in to the waiting arms of the police officer. We both went down and I cried/ shouted to Tom to run. Fortunately, Nick inadvertently stepped on the cop's fingers while trying to help me up, and the cop screamed in pain as we fled off into the night.
My arm was fucked for a week. It hurt so badly that I couldn't even pick up a book.
Tom and I considered the debt paid in full.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-02 08:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...................2222222...........!!!!!!.
................222.......222.......!!!!!!!!!!
......+...................222.........!!!!!!!!.
......+.................222............!!!!!..
+++++++........222................!!...
......+...........222.......................
......+.........222.....................!!...
................2222222222..........!!...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-11-24 11:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sydney cops are a bunch of fuckin fucked fucks.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-09-23 18:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-08-26 19:38:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when I first read the title i was thinking it was about you and tom ready to fight each other.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-21 14:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, Slowbrains, I moved to Indy last August.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-08-21 14:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you!
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-08-21 09:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not your best, BUT YOU'RE JIMBO! How can I not +2 this?
Submitted by Slowbrains <slowbrains.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-08-20 12:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woh! My Favorite Uber writer lives right here! Hey Jimbo, you know those two large buildings(Ultimate Software) just west of Town Center? I work there...Would you come in and autograph my monitor?!
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-19 18:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by amy8moo (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MUST see photo of Tom!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-19 05:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-18 21:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"flirting with a different girl, none of whom seemed to be as impressed with our accents as we were with theirs."
......................................................................................................
That is so funny because it is true. When in America I met a whole lot of nice people.
BUT Americans abroad I have found to be a pain in the arse and part of it probably is their goddamn accent cutting through the whole conversation.
Oh and their 'back in the States we are so better than everyone that our shit don't even stink attitude.'
Now I am not saying you are like this Jimbo BUT a whole lot of your country folk have queered your pitch as we say here.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-18 18:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thundarr kicks ass!
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-08-18 18:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-08-18 17:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome...I lived in northern Australia for six months and remember nearly all of those beers you mentioned. But the truth is, XXXX whoops ass over VB any day.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was making pretty good money, but we bought in Weston, which is the fucking most expensive family-friendly place to live in the area, so the house prices were insane. Plus, I have a wife and two kids. There's just not enough dinero to go around.
Things worked out much better for us in Indy. You should come to work up here.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-18 16:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey ho whoa mo....wait just a second. How the hell do you have a MSBE and couldn't afford a fat house here in Florida? You said you lived in a little crap house down here. With credentials like those, you should have been raking it in. What happened?
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bueno. Muy Bueno
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-18 15:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One night I had 3 glasses of moonshine. It might have been piss....no, moonshine. I saw a new color that night called "Murqoise".
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Undergrad: Physics
Masters: Biomedical Engineering
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42139
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Questions for Jimbo:
Is there any medication that could possibly help Tom?
What was your grad degree in?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-18 14:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah dude! I applied to UNSW as well but I got into Macquarie. I hear Sydney is a great city.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I only made it to 8 pints. Not my personal best, but not shabby by my standards.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
way to take one for the team Jimbo!
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Macquarie University? A couple of my professors got their Ph.Ds there. I don't know much about the reputation, but those guys were pretty smart.
Is that where you're going to Exchange to?
Submitted by Uptown_Alexa (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So how many did you end up drinking?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome!
on another note, you know anything about Macquarie Jimbo?
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pub crawls are the devil.
Submitted by big_wiggah (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank god alcohol is legal or cops wouldnt have anything to do
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
warm and fuzzy
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, I love the title of the picture.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure your sacrafice was appreciated.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to take one for the team!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A Tom story without him going apeshit is like an episode of The Incredible Hulk where Dr. Banner doesn't turn green.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The next judo match I'm in, I'm going to scream "YAAAAAAAA-HEEEEEE!!!", at the beginning of it.
Submitted by Fellow3 (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woot
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Headed out like a fetus. Best line ever.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:10:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-08-18 13:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment