Why playing Mario makes your kids use drugs and ignore authority. (6504 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.07 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Dutch Bastard> (View user info) at 2004-08-18 17:05:44 EDT
It was one night, many moons ago that I pondered why drugs continues to be such a big problem in our time. Drug abuse and drug related crimes have skyrocketed since the eighties, not alone in the USA but also here in my small wonderfull country, Holland.
The truth hit me like a train hitting a small, young puppy: Video games are to blame.
More importantly, the ever loved red capped plumber Mario. It is said that during the mid-nineties Mario was more popular than Mickey Mouse.
Who could know that from the land of Japan hails the very tool that continues to undermine our societies at large, the adventures of Super Mario.
Alow me to explain.
Imagine the most friendly computer/console company most parents know to exist: Nintendo. Home to Donkey Kong, Zelda and of course the fat moustache wearing plumber himself, Mario.
While parents watch they see nothing but the innocent world where fat man jump high into the air only to land on mean looking heads, right?
Wrong my friend, VERY wrong.
Behind the vale of happy looking clouds and cute looking princesses is a psychedelic trip that rivals "Fear and loathing in Las Vegas"(Starring Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro).
Think about it, a man who becomes strong by picking up (and eating?) mushrooms, strange herbs which are used to summon "fire balls". These kind of games teaches YOUR children that drugs ain't bad, infact it's good to get ahead in life!
What does the cartoon which came soon after the games teaches us?
A brother and his brother are transported through a pipe-system to an alternative world. Hey, call me crazy, but someone has been smoking the pipe instead of travelling down it. The brothers travel from a 3d world towards a 2d, and later a semi-3d, world where they encounter evil 'mushrooms' and 'turtles' and kill them outright. Without even establishing their motives!
The message: drugs is not only a good thing, but gives you the right to trample those who are just doing their daily thing. Honestly: how many 'baddies' in the Mario games follow you around? They are just WALKING there. The game suggest that the mushrooms, turtles and ghosts are ENEMIES. When you touch any of those it is suggested you DIE.
In other words: if anyone gets in your way, kill them. The weak are supposes to be opressed.
Then there is Bowser, the everlasting 'enemy' or Mario. He must be beaten, because he holds the princess captive.
Princess my ass...
Bowser represents authority, the government. As can be seen in Mario Bros. 2 she can certainly hold here own. Throwing stuff at people, killing and maiming every chance she gets. Bowser saw her for what she really was after she killed Wart in Mario Bros. 2 by force feeding him 'vegetables'. Vegetables my foot, that was plain old funny grass my friends. Wart was murdered for resisting joining Mario and his gang of Drug addicts and then he was O.D.-ed by the princess!
Bowser locked her up in the deepest darkest dungeon. But after his defeat in Mario Bros. 1 he needed help and used his children to stop Mario and his gang of hoodlums. With children I mean the police. Even Bowser, the goverment, can't do everything himself and so he needs help to catch the criminals.
Mario, however, overthrows in a rage of extacy the authority, to free his brothers and sisters. Even though it's they who are very, very wrong.
Ever wondere why such a fat bastard like Mario and his ilk could fly? High as a kite! And what's with the frog-suit. Well, ever licked a frog? Hmm...
Then there was Wario. He is the nuance factor in the story. He shows us there are others with the same motives as Mario, but uses other motives. Wario rather drinks potions to become strong. And alcoholic as I ever saw one. You can plainly see the the struggle between Mario and Wario, only the strongest can survive. But in their struggle they cause much havoc and mayhem on the unsuspecting world.
The role of Luigi is less clear. He is closest to the 'hero' but to weak to speak out for himself. Altough he is on equal footing with the the hoodlum known as Mario, he is still being opressed by him. He depends on him. Frankly I think Mario is somewhat a drug dealer amongst his friends.
The message is and always has been: drugs is good, trample the weak and rules are there to be broken. A form of dictatorship is even promoted! You don't share your power, power must be taken and be abused as much as possible!
Parents of the world: think before you let your children touch Mario's devilstools! The next Hitler, Hussein or Stalin might be created in your livingroom!
Next time: How Duck Hunt makes your kid commit genocide.
User Reviews
Submitted by abefroman42 (user info) at 2004-11-09 17:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
derka derka derka. muhammad (-2) jihad.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-08-21 16:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of drugs.. what I wouldn't do for some fucking loricets right now..
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I know why!
Hey, pass the chillum
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-19 06:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stopped reading at 'fear and loathing in las vegas' to give you a +2
Submitted by X-File (user info) at 2004-08-19 05:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As a last addition: ever wonderen why Yoshi runs away when Mario falls off?
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-18 21:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
grew up on nintendo. did a lot of drugs at one point.... there might be something to this.
Submitted by retarded_ape123 (user info) at 2004-08-18 19:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
if i ever have children, i will eat them when i'm hungry
Submitted by OICU812 (user info) at 2004-08-18 19:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I already read the communist Mario.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-18 18:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by Jesus_Loves_TwEE (user info) at 2004-08-18 18:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm shrooms, I had a Mushroom adventure recently and after reading this post, the whole thing reminds me of Mario Brothers, what with the hallucinations, violent hookers, stretch limos, and hiding from the cops. If Mario is high on shrooms dose that mean Sonic is high on speed?
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-08-18 17:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People who rant about Mario's communism and shit usually piss me off, but this was well-written enough to salvage a +2.
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2004-08-18 17:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHY GOD WHY!?!?!?!...Where's My Nintendo, I need that a bag of grass and a 40 this will prove the point once and for all
Submitted by Chief_Rugger (user info) at 2004-08-18 17:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The truth hit me like a train hitting a small, young puppy: Video games are to blame.
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that was enough to secure the +2, weird part is, it actually makes sense.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-08-18 17:11:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
But...but...I LOVE MARIO!!!