Wonka's Willy and his everlasting balls (1691 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: -0.4 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nyq <funkadel.at.punkass.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-18 22:19:56 EDT
Well, this year for Christmas my parents decided to upgrade my cellular plan from "none" to "kick ass." That's right, unlimited nights and weekends (nights starting at 7) and 300 minutes anytime. Now, I never used the thing in the day. Or that's what I thought... untill i took a close look at my minutes plan once. I had more minutes going towards the Taco Bell hotline than anywhere else.
You see, me and my friends decided one day, granted while drunk, to call the taco bell help line and make a prank phone call. A little juvenile, yes, but still a hell of a lot of fun. Those poor folks at the local help lines... they have been getting some crazy complaints...
Too much water in the complimentary water cup.
Poop wiped all over the walls in the bathroom.
I gained 106 pounds from getting addicted to tacos.
I want a pest exterminator to come and get rid of the pests in my front lawn A.K.A. Kids.
You get the gist. The ones that always stick out in my mind though are the ones to candy companys.
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Case 1: Mike & Ike: "Pill Popping"
Help line: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?
Me: Yea... What exactly is a "Mike and Ike"
Help line: Well it is a candy sir.
Me: Candy... right. Is that some new slang for drugs?
Help line: Wha... Sir? I am afraid I don't under...
Me: My son has been popping these pills he calls Mike & Ikes. He goes through at least a box a day. What kind of drugs are these?
Help Line: Uh... I still don't...
Me: Ma'am don't think I am a fool. I know what is going on there. Mike and Ike are drug lords right?
Now this is where it gets good. My friend Jim starts yelling into the phone (a speaker phone by the way.)
Jim: Dad, did you go through my room again?
Me: Shut up! I am trying to get you help.
Help line: Uh, sir. Please, try and stay with me here. It is just sugar and some artificial flavor.
Me: Artifical flavor... you don't say...
Jim: STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!
Me: That's it. You are getting the beating of a life time.
Help line: Sir... I will have to call the proper autorities if you don't... CLICK.
**********
Case 2:Willy Wonka: "Can I talk to Mr. Wonka?"
Help line: Thank you for calling Willy Wonka! Where the world is your oyster!
(She is VERY peppy at this point)
Me: Uh, yea... I have a complaint. Your everlasting gobstoppers aren't really everlasting.
Help line: I know sir. It is just a catch phrase meaning it outlasts our competitors.
Me: Well it is very misleading.
We continue down this path for a little while until she gets angry.
Me: FINE! Put me through to Mr. Wonka I am sure he would want to be told about this.
Help line: Uh... (Pause)... He is busy at the moment.
Me: Can I leave a message?
Help line: He doesn't accept phone messages anymore. You can e-mail him though.
Me: And start getting all his spam I really don't think so lady.
Help line: Why would we send you spam sir?
Me: I don't know why would you lie to me on your packaging.
Help line: I already explained that to you sir!
Me: Well in the movie they last forever.
Help line: Sir. Gobstoppers aren't in the movie.
She could be right for all I know I havn't seen the movie.
Me: Listen lady. I am pretty sure that I am an expert on my favorite movie. If i say it happened in the movie it must have.
Help line: Sir. Movies aren't real.
Me: (A little choked up) What? What about the blueberry girl? You mean she was never real?
Help line: No. She was real. It just never happened.
Me: Well I would certainly hope not, that must have broken all the FDA rules. *(I have no clue what the FDA does)*
Help line: Sir. I am going to have to end this call.
Me: But you haven't helped me with my gobstopper problem yet.
Help line: Yes. I did.
*CLICK*
**********
Help lines are great.
User Reviews
Submitted by Gizmo (user info) at 2004-08-19 19:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
canadian... no montreal anymore... a little low on the age... and I lost my blankie a long time ago. Now I cry myself to sleep every night.
Trust me... I know 300 minutes isn't kickass... unless you compair it to the other option I had "none." Oh! Did I mention all they did was buy me a phone and find a plan? Yea. Great christmas gift- One more bill every month.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-08-18 23:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't you give Crank Yankers a run for their money?
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-18 23:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awesome title and average post.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-18 23:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Canadian. Somewhere in the region of Montreal. 16. Sleeps with Blanky.
Let me know if I'm getting close.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-08-18 22:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Well, this year for Christmas my parents decided to upgrade my cellular plan from "none" to "kick ass." That's right, unlimited nights and weekends (nights starting at 7) and 300 minutes anytime
______
I stopped reading there. You're obviously a teenager, and quite a sheltered one at that, if you think 300 anytime minutes is "kick ass."
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-08-18 22:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mercury