How Duck Hunt makes your kid commit genocide. (988 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.11 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Dutch Bastard> (View user info) at 2004-08-19 07:54:27 EDT
Ok, Mario is bad, he's the drug kingpin, slash, dictator of the computer gaming world. If you don't believe this read my study into the matter over at: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42162
Yet still there is much danger to be found in the world of Nintendo. Duck Hunt is another fine example of how kids are trained from an early age to cimmit acts of atrocities.
Imagine if you will a nature reserve, and Duck season has just been announced. You and your trusty dog are out for some good old Duck Killing. Looks like just another hunting game, right? But under the sinister layer of 2d sprites lays a seductive, addictive world that is known as killing for pleasure.
I've stared into the eyes of those Ducks, and what I saw were human eyes looking back at me. Begging me to let them go and be free. But you want to shoot them, you need to shoot them. Otherwise the dog-that-can't-be-killed will go Muttley on you and laugh in your face. How humiliating. It's either you or the ducks.
Sorry, but the ducks have to go.
Playing Duck Hunt reminds me of the scene in Kubricks' "Full Metal Jacket". Joker and Rafterman are flying in a Huey towards the fields of battle while a third empties his M60 on little Vietnamese running in the country-side, defenceless little Vietnamese I might add.
"But what are you saying, my Dutch friend?", you might be asking.
I'm telling you that Duck Hunt has trained countless of players to be remorseless killers. By the time you reach level 10 you have killed 200 ducks already! Assuming that you make all your shots count. Level 10 can be attained after... what? 30 Minutes of play? 200 Dead in thirty minutes! Let's say you play for 5 hours straight, like the real maniacal psychopath you truly are, that would make up a deathcount of 2000. Each day for a year makes a grand total of 730000 dead ducks.
For comparison, 6.000.000 jews were murdered during WW II over the course of 3 years. Let's say for the sake of argument that a group of 350 people were doing the actual executing. One person would be killing 5714 (.285714) Jews each year. While the duck hunt trainee would be killing 127(.75) times that amount.
If we would continue the analogy that 350 duck-hunters would be in charge of killing in the same amount of time the Nazi's had the chance, 3 years or so, that would bring us to the following sum: 2.000 (Persons a day) (we are not talking about Ducks here, remember the human eyes I told you? Your kids are being deceived!) x 365 (days in a year) = 730.000 (Dead persons) . 730.000 x 3 (years) = 2.190.000 (Killed human beings). 2.190.000 x 350 (executioners) = 766.500.000 (Killed human beings).
What am I saying? While Mario teaches YOUR kids to overthrow their government, Duck Hunt trains the next Hitlers' henchmen. How many kids have played Duck Hunt? That total exceeds far more the sum of 350. How many have played the game for hours and hours? The number could go into the thousands or so? That's thousands of killers waiting te execute any living being their Mario-styled dictator orders them to. Remember, 350 persons can whipe out 9(.58125)% of the human race in just three years, give enough ammo and civilians running around scared in front of them.
How many of you Duck-Hunt players have felt the frustration of the dog-that-can't-be-killed when he laughed in your face, and yet spurred you to go on with your killing spree? You have all been deceived once more by the Nintendo Company. They GAVE you a gun along with the console you so treasured in your early days, all according to some master scheme that is yet to be unfold. What messages might have been planted in all the other 'innocent' games you have ever played.
And you thought Nintendo only made kiddy games.
User Reviews
Submitted by abefroman42 (user info) at 2004-11-09 17:53:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
derka derka derka. muhammad (-2) jihad.
Submitted by anderson (user info) at 2004-08-20 02:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-19 09:02:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
YOGA FLAME!
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+2 for this comment... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Submitted by screaney (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was very well put together, especially after reading your critique on the nefarious nature of the mario world. i always thought that our yellow masters at nintendo had something in store for the white plague. if you have time, try to piece together some evidence on the subvertive nature of other great classics.
ex: mike tyson's punchout - subjugate the black man.
donkey kong - teaches animal cruelty
legend of zelda - rape is permissible
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-19 09:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOGA FLAME!
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-19 09:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Street Fighter two makes people slide along the ground and trip people and elongate their arms unnaturally to punch and rename themselves DHALISM.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-19 09:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Columbine was more linked to Marilyn Manson than Doom.
Watch Bowling for Columbine and see what they have to say.
Other than that, an entertaining read. I'm now off to kill the Guardian in Doom 3 and then maybe take a chainsaw to my parents.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes a funny review enhances a funny post. Thanks phyx.
If only i could accurately describe my mate's (called 'penis') duck hunt technique. Gun as close to the eye as possible, and only put there after the ducks go flying.. close.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had no idea of the insidious nature of Duck Hunt.
Ima gonna kill somebody at nintendo.
Submitted by phyx (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sarcasm doesn't come across very well on text. Regardless, as I stated, joking or not I still hate the video games/violent kids argument.
Submitted by X-File (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A shotload of sarcasm is certainly wasted on you, Phyx. And a minus too because you can't recalculate it on your hands?
Submitted by phyx (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
First of all, -1 for all the math. I fucking hated math in school and seriously the statistics need to go. Second of all, -1 for the argument that video games create violent individuals. Joking or not, that is the most stupid shit that I've ever heard in my life and I hate that argument.
VIDEO GAMES DO NOT MAKE VIOLENT PEOPLE. Fuck Columbine and all the other places that pinned some psychotic episode where teens killed people on video games. That shit makes me sick and it's annoying. Parents aren't even responsible for their kids anymore. It was the same shit how ever many years ago with Bevis and Butthead when those dumbfuck kids burned their trailer down and killed some kid.
THEY LIVED IN A FUCKING TRAILER. THEIR MOTHER/WIFE-BEATING, ALCOHOLIC FATHER DIDN'T PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION TO THESE KIDS TO KNOW WHAT THEY WERE DOING.
Good parents pay attention to their kids. They don't let video games babysit when they should be playing with them or stimulating their kids to do something constructive and educational.
Besides, Duck Hunt was fun back in the day and I've never killed anyone.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This rules all over the place.