I am Jane... (505 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.17 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by KarmaJane (View user info) at 2004-08-19 08:32:55 EDT
Sometimes I sit all by myself and try to think of nothing. I sit very still, in the quiet of the evening, trying to let everything go. I don't think I have ever been successful. Maybe that's because I usually try this when I am hurt or lonely, generally feeling sad. Because who needs to let go of things when they're happy?
Regardless of what it is that is disturbing me when I try to drift away, my general state of discontent seems to take over every time. So I do something mindless - watch TV, play a computer game, listen to music - which will require little conscious thought...but whatever it is that I don't want to think about still stomps about in my head like a giant in big rubber boots jumping through puddles. I can't stop it. So I go about whatever it is I am doing and I pretend. I pretend to be more at ease than I really am, even though I'm alone.
I am Jane's need for outward calm.
In performing this exercise many times over and over, I create a reservoir of emotions that is held back by a dam of shit. My dam is flimsy and easily cracked. I often sit and cry while I am by myself. My veneer of tranquillity is maintained however; I cry to movies and sad songs. This makes me sensitive, not over emotional or unstable...even though there is nobody around to judge. Using the excuse of something sad is a way of plastering over the cracks in my dam.
The reservoir gets bigger. A turgid pool of emotional matter boils and churns in my gut. It hurts and it makes me gassy sometimes. There is nothing for it but to force the acid down and get on with things. Keep on a brave face for others and an even braver face for my private use. Keep hurting my insides to make the outside pretty.
I am Jane's massively inflamed stomach ulcer.
Nobody would understand my feelings if they knew how I hurt anyway. Nobody understands what I do show. So why bother people with the whole truth? No, best to keep it close. I don't want to drive more people away. It's the ones that have already turned from friends to strangers that usually cause the hurt in the first place; driving more away would double the pain. Most people go eventually but I'll use the time that I have...a clock that is forever ticking directly over my head.
It's me that makes people go away. Something in me that I can't seem to put my finger on, something wrong, something that other people find distasteful. I am like that really scruffy dog with the horrible smell that nobody wants. Except that it would take more than a bath to fix me. My family try to say that it's the fault of the people who hurt me but how can that be? How can it be that so many different people have the same reaction to the same thing if the problem lies with them? No, it must be the constant that is flawed, it must be me.
I am Jane's non-existent sense of self-worth.
I don't like to look in the mirror. I don't like the girl who stares at me there. She's not pretty, she's not fun, she cries too much...but she's sometimes funny. But funny is only good for a little while. The girl is fast beginning to not play well with others. It's hard to live inside her.
Were I a braver person, I think I'd be one of those that do serious self-harm. I'd cut my flesh and try to let the hurt drip away. Beads of red, temporary relief and hope for a better tomorrow. But I am too afraid. Instead I punch, I bite, I bruise...but only when I'm really angry. Bruises heal quickly and are explained away more easily than scars. If people start to stare or ask questions just take a break, leave the skin to become pristine once more then begin again.
I am Jane's self loathing.
I have begun to form a callus. I have begun to spin a sort of cocoon around myself to keep people from seeing the real me. I have become prickly and coarse so others cannot touch the softness inside. I swear and say rude things; most people are deterred by rudeness. If nobody comes close then there's no-one to go away and injure my soul further. Perhaps this will only last long enough to allow past grievances to scab over...perhaps not.
The defences I throw up are beginning to pass into the physical. I wear different clothes, cut and dye my hair to seem stronger somehow. I get pierced and tattoo my flesh so people see me as tough. All signposts that say "Danger" and "Stay away!" but they really wrap me up and keep me safe.
I am Jane's Dragon tattoo.
I need these protections. I need to feel safe. I have been hurt before and blocking connections with others stops things from hurting me again. It also blocks me from living I suppose but I'm not sure I'm ready to take chances just yet...I'll stay protected a while longer.
I trusted once. Did it feely and without thinking. My heart was open and innocent. I was loving and kind. The person I trusted didn't want my love; he chewed me up and spit me out without a second thought. Now, although I want to love and be loved but I cannot trust; I am "once bitten, twice shy". It takes time to lick one's wounds. It takes time to mourn.
I am Jane's weeping heart.
After disasters of the past I have begun to think about life a lot more. I don't want to but it comes back to that exercise in attempting to quiet my mind; everyone must think about something. I wonder if there is such a thing as destiny and, if there is, what is mine? Am I fated to spend my life alone?
Maybe I'm not meant to have friends. Maybe I'm not meant to have love. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy.
I am Jane's despair...
User Reviews
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am kane. I will help you.
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Friends are overrated. Most of the time I would just rather be alone. Now computers on the other hand are not overrated =)
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-19 10:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice piece of writing. Would have been much more powerful without the "I am Jane's". Sounds too much like Fight Club, and not enough like your own original thoughts.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-08-19 09:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:49:53 (#)
Ranking: -1
The writing wasn't that bad, but come on.
Submitted by drsamedi (user info) at 2004-08-19 09:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah the fight club things is a bit over used. Other than that i see how you feel. Been there before and will probably be there again. I recommend action to let of the pressure. Its not good keeping it inside. It just makes you really ill after a while.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-19 09:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I only read a couple of one liners in that.
I am... Plagiarising Fight Club.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-08-19 09:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hon, the light is at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it seems a long way away, but you will reach it.
Good luck on the way.
Oh, and I don't recommend self harm. It hurts.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+4 for good writing.
- fucking a lot for being so stupid and unoriginal.
I'll give you a +2 anyways cause I'm
Submitted by Karmajane (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I write for myself. Not for anyone else. But I do appreciate honest criticism.
Obviously though, this was written in a moment of severe depression...
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The writing wasn't that bad, but come on.
Submitted by Cymak (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I, too, like Chuck Palahniuk.
In fact, right now I'm Mark's Highly-Sensitive Bullshit Detector (this only works on others, not on myself).
Oh, yeah, and good luck on finding Nirvana. Last I heard, their lead singer was dead, but...
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stop thinking about life so much and get out of the house. There's a whole world out there beyond
computer games, TV, and meditation.
Submitted by tarzan (user info) at 2004-08-19 08:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me Tarzan.....