Kristen vs. The G-Spot (Mildly NSFW) (9804 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.74 on 175 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kristen (View user info) at 2004-08-19 11:57:24 EDT
"Standard Shipping or Next Day Air Delivery...hmm."
I clicked the back arrow and looked over the product. The "Serpentine G". The cheery, red color and silly snake face, the high quality silicone, the bumpy ridges of the 'body'. Two AA batteries-that decided it.
Clicking forward to the shipping methods once again, I chose the basic, cheap, weeklong shipping option. AA Batteries, pishaw. I have vibrators that need a ripcord to start. I could definitely wait seven days for this weaker product to arrive.
Why, you may wonder, would I order a product that I wasn't excited enough to overnight? Why would I get what I assumed was an inferior vibrator? Who pays fifty bucks for something they're going to use once and chuck into the 'period undies' drawer, to be buried under mounds of flowered granny panties and gym socks?
I do. Not normally, but in this instance, I was willing. You see, Cosmo and Glamour-hell, even Field and Stream-had been spouting this glorious thing known as the G-spot orgasm, henceforth known as "God". I didn't believe in God. God had never made his presence known to me. God never answered prayers. God could turn water into wine, but couldn't give me one measly, earth-shaking orgasm. Clitoral orgasms? Sure, those were distributed in mass quantities, but I wanted something more.
"If it even exists," my skeptical inner voice reminded me.
The week passed slowly. I waited impatiently for my spiritual awakening.
And on a rainy Monday afternoon, it arrived. I brought the rain-spattered brown box into my room and tossed it onto my bed. I went downstairs and cooked dinner, knitted an afghan, and painted a mural.
Ok, I ripped the box open upon arrival and promptly tested it out.
I laid on my bed, feet flat, knees up.
Big exhale. A little bit of nipple play. Ready. I switched the vibrator on and slowly slid the Serpentine into its new home.
And promptly felt as though I were going to pee myself.
I removed the Serpentine with disgust usually reserved for wife beating trailer trash and picking my dog's poop up out of the yard at the end of the week.
I couldn't believe I paid $50 to have the kind of reaction a dollar Pepsi would cause.
After such a disappointment, one can only do one thing. All hail the Hitachi Magic Wand.
Later on that night, I lamented my piss-poor experience to my roommate.
"..and then I almost wet the bed! What a crock!"
She quirked an eyebrow at me. "And then?"
"And then I shunned it."
"You should have kept going. That's normal."
As she retreated into her room, I leaned back against the sofa's cushions. It was normal to feel like you drank a Big Gulp? People were praising the urge to piss? Were they mistaken? Had they never gone Number One before? What the fuck?
Suddenly, a book landed in my lap.
"It's the G-Spot Bible. Read it and then try."
I thanked Jenn and headed to my room. I cleaned out underneath my bed and Windexed my mirror. I dusted my fan blades and organized my CD's into alphabetical order.
OK! I retrieved my Serpentine and flopped on my bed to read the book. Geez.
I skimmed through the pages. There it was.
Hot Orgasms Ahead 4:16. "And so the Lord sayeth, 'Thou shalt feel a sudden urge to urinate when you hit the right spot. This is because swelling of the G-spot puts pressure on the urethra. Many women stop stimulation at this point. However, the urge to pee will usually subside and, if stimulation is continued, will often be replaced by intensely erotic feelings.'"
Huh. Who would have thought?
And so I continued to search for this intangible God. Big exhale. Nipple play. I tested with my fingers. The fear of peeing had rendered me dry, so I went forth with some soft clitoral stroking. After a couple minutes, I checked again. All systems were a-go. The urge to pee hit again, but I grit my teeth and unrelentingly held the Serpentine in place.
You know the scene in Ghostbusters where Sigourney Weaver levitates off the bed? She wasn't possessed with an evil ghost. She had discovered the joy of having God in her life.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-10-20 08:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats good reading
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Women masturbating is so much better than guys masturbating.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NO COMMENT!
Submitted by Geodescent (user info) at 2004-11-23 23:01:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I quote:
You know the scene in Ghostbusters where Sigourney Weaver levitates off the bed?
She wasn't possessed with an evil ghost.
LOL
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2004-11-23 02:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the words of Christopher Walken as "The Continental" on SNL: "WOW, wowy wow wow! wow!"
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-20 12:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here is the secret to getting hits. In all its glory.
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-22 20:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Taky, "Queen_ashlee" je stupindní krávo.
Vecert z oku.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-10-22 12:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Quoieque beaucoup de hommes dans ce lieux voudraient lire une histoire sur votres experiments sexuelles, j'ai pas trouvé cette histoire ni intéressant, ni amusante.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't tell me you're using the one night without the baby to actually sleep. You selfish bitch.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO SLEEP WOO!
I'll be on AIM for a few more minutes if you're bored. SOMEONE PLEASE TALK TO ME!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-06 01:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope!
Well, she may indeed be up, but she's at her dad's so I don't know about it.
And I got REM sleep today!!!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-10-06 00:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IS the baby up again?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-10-06 00:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*tear*
I really love that vibrator.
Wiggles, you wanna fight? Put up yo dukes.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-10-06 00:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
George Bush and Dick Cheney would be disgusted by this post, and would censor this if they had the chance.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2004-09-24 03:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:38:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shame on you for putting nasty thoughts in my head.
When is the demonstration?
DITTO
Submitted by JustAnotherHunter (user info) at 2004-08-30 13:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One word....wow...
But, Kristen, why didn't you include a picture of yourself trying this out? Come on, be a sport.
Just kidding....but....great post.
ummm, I gotta go clean up now.
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still trying to figure out my c-spot, let alone e,f and g-spot.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good. You do know that the Hitachi Magic Wand has a G-Spot attachment, don't you? Good times.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/25465
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, so smart. So clever. And so very funny.
And I thought you were the conservative type.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
remember when you used it...good times.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-08-26 21:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wowza
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-25 21:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If it's good enough for a boner, it's good enough for a +2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-24 03:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the boner.
Submitted by carsontheedge (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well it looks like us men are becoming obselete. But, can it take aout the trash?
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:20:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-20 14:26:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-08-20 13:27:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
thats just hot.
Submitted by pantsless (user info) at 2004-08-22 21:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh baby oh baby
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-08-22 20:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hard
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-08-22 20:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I couldn't believe I paid $50 to have the kind of reaction a dollar Pepsi would cause."
I busted out laughing. Someone looked on my screen. They saw the picture. They busted out laughing. They told everyone to come see what I was looking at. We're writing the review together.
Much Love,
The Southern Pines Computer Lab, Georgia Southern University
Submitted by Rotodizer (user info) at 2004-08-22 00:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're hot.
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-08-21 23:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42398
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-21 15:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-08-21 04:08:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't I review this earlier?
I must have blacked out after the first time I read it. Good post, buddy!
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Just for that, you're being demoted to fringe "friend" who I only hang out with when I get tired of digging caked up mud out of the treads of my shoes with a wire hanger.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's your spoof! http://www.ubersite.com/m/42463
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-08-21 06:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 01011010 (user info) at 2004-08-21 04:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's 'MOE' like it.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-08-21 04:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't I review this earlier?
I must have blacked out after the first time I read it. Good post, buddy!
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-08-21 00:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We need visual aid.
To, uh... um, see how to do it.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-08-20 22:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
any post that gives me a boner gets a +2
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-08-20 22:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
only cause words gave me an errection
Submitted by KieferSutherland (user info) at 2004-08-20 21:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spiritoso (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:23:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't bother -2 for playing with plastic toys when you could have the real thing. If your fat and ugly go back and give your self +2
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You are a douche bag of the highest order. This chick is hot.
Submitted by A_Hitler (user info) at 2004-08-20 21:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read your camwhore post. You're actually alright looking.
You're probably a money grubbing ho.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-20 21:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So Kristen has a new hobby...
Submitted by filmgeek (user info) at 2004-08-20 20:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
the magic of God :)
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-08-20 18:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you! The first time I had a g-spot induced orgasm, I was reduced to to a crying, laughing, incoherent mumbling fool who couldn't move her legs. One of the best times of my life.
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2004-08-20 18:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-20 17:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Dr Kristen, shoot me an email at crackkillz.at.mad.scientist.com I have a question for you and your manual about this.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by KieferSutherland (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:41:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:29:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want one. Actually, I want a male who is capable of inducing the same sensation. No, I was right the first time.
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You apparently need a guy with a malformed penis then. Also the penis is for the guys pleasure not yours. I don't eat a piece of chocolate cake in the hope someone else will enjoy it.
---------
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Submitted by KieferSutherland (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:29:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want one. Actually, I want a male who is capable of inducing the same sensation. No, I was right the first time.
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You apparently need a guy with a malformed penis then. Also the penis is for the guys pleasure not yours. I don't eat a piece of chocolate cake in the hope someone else will enjoy it.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shame on you for putting nasty thoughts in my head.
When is the demonstration?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want one. Actually, I want a male who is capable of inducing the same sensation. No, I was right the first time.
Submitted by flat_spin (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Next time...can I help....
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-20 14:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-08-20 13:27:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
thats just hot.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-08-20 13:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats just hot.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-08-20 12:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm at work...and I can't get up from my desk cuz...ummm...just cuz...
note to self: next time girlfriend says she has to pee, DO NOT STOP!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-20 12:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a girl who would pee (not really pee, more like female ejaculation) all over my face when I eat her. Fuckin' disgusting but at least you're sure she isn't faking.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-08-20 08:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bad girl. Im gonna show this to your students, especially the bad one.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-20 08:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo for all men with curvey-up penises!
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-08-20 05:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok, good for you. The responses from the men this elicited are arguably even more interesting. I bet they all 'read' the Kama Sutra, huh? Gaylords.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-20 02:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-19 21:52:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
Who cares, any real man knows how to make a bitch piss.
-------------------------------------------
But it takes a Donkey to give an orgasim. Falco is just jealous.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-20 01:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-08-19 23:59:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually had the best orgasm of my life about a month ago...
It was so powerful, it felt like I had some monster taking over me! My boyfriend said that he was actually sorta scared from the way I was riding him so hard!! Then... it hit me..... an orgasm SO POWERFUL, that I cried during it.... wow. Just wait till ya have one of those... whew..... I couldnt move for about 15 minutes after that....
*********
Nobody cares, ofcourse you started to cry- it was at that time you realised you wear riding a corpse.
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-08-20 00:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was at one of those crazy sex toy parties and they had something called "The Kangaroo".. basically it does both at once, but i recommend looking into it
haha i liked this post.. and i want that book
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-08-19 23:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually had the best orgasm of my life about a month ago...
It was so powerful, it felt like I had some monster taking over me! My boyfriend said that he was actually sorta scared from the way I was riding him so hard!! Then... it hit me..... an orgasm SO POWERFUL, that I cried during it.... wow. Just wait till ya have one of those... whew..... I couldnt move for about 15 minutes after that....
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-08-19 22:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-19 22:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:56:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to take a few minutes of everyone's time to state that ETS is a Grade A toolbag.
And a +2 for the post. Good read!
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Better than being a B-grade PUSSY!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-19 21:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Who cares, any real man knows how to make a bitch piss.
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-08-19 21:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-19 21:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Toys for your ass?
Man, Slapshot is my favorite movie of all time but you kinda lost me with that last post there, Ogie.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-08-19 21:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:28:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you'd just let ME touch you, you'd be able to toss aside all your toys, contraptions, power tools, etc.
I am the best.
=====================================================================================================
Whatever kiddo.........I have great Italian wood...know how to use it to perfection and STILL have an ammo drawer FULL of toys. TOYs are the shit...<flipping vibrators and dildo's in my hands like a world famous bartender>
one day I'm gonna invent a toy like a chain saw.....with soft rubber tongues for a blade
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-19 20:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*boner*
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-08-19 19:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hidden-It's a deal.
You really shouldn't look at my old posts. They are pretty much crap. I am slowly getting better (I think), but I haven't really had time this summer to work on anything. Once it gets dark and cold I will try again.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-19 19:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
engine13- if i'm ever up in Alaska and single, i'll be sure to take you up on that, whether i'm cold or not.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-19 19:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:30:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:28:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you'd just let ME touch you, you'd be able to toss aside all your toys, contraptions, power tools, etc.
I am the best.
==========================================================
ahahahaha
sure, buddy. ALL guys think they are the best. there are some guys that know they are great in the sack and then there are guys that ARE great in the sack. it's the ones that aren't arrogant egomaniacs that satisfy the ladies.
Hey Buttwad...THIS arrogant egomaniac is the exception to that rule...ya poor, drooling bastard ya.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-19 19:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post makes me want to perform the reproductive act with a healthy female of breeding age.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-08-19 18:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:30:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:28:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you'd just let ME touch you, you'd be able to toss aside all your toys, contraptions, power tools, etc.
I am the best.
==========================================================
ahahahaha
sure, buddy. ALL guys think they are the best. there are some guys that know they are great in the sack and then there are guys that ARE great in the sack. it's the ones that aren't arrogant egomaniacs that satisfy the ladies.
_____________________
So True. Hidden, if you ever make it up to Alaska, I know some ways to keep you warm.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-08-19 18:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
verbal camwhoring +2
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-08-19 18:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i popped a boner reading this.....
Submitted by indepth25 (user info) at 2004-08-19 18:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I just spouged in my pants... Don't tell anyone, note to self "Don't spouge in pants at work"
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-08-19 18:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
where is the g-spot ? directions would help
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-08-19 18:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It amazes me that so many women don't know that they can ejaculate this way.
From what I understand it's the most intense orgasm a woman can have.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-19 17:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-08-19 17:09:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Kristen, can you post a link to this device?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
She already did. Look down. or here:
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:20:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
mystia-http://www.babeland.com/page/TIB/PROD/vibrators-g-spot/DW333710
PMJ-I think that may require too much coordination for me.
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-08-19 17:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good mental image.
Submitted by Dino (user info) at 2004-08-19 17:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phew!!!
I'm spent now.
Time for a smoke and a nap!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-08-19 17:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kristen, can you post a link to this device?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to take a few minutes of everyone's time to state that ETS is a Grade A toolbag.
And a +2 for the post. Good read!
Submitted by russizm (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish stuff like this did anything for me (other than just a good read), but I'm not 14 anymore.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:28:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you'd just let ME touch you, you'd be able to toss aside all your toys, contraptions, power tools, etc.
I am the best.
==========================================================
ahahahaha
sure, buddy. ALL guys think they are the best. there are some guys that know they are great in the sack and then there are guys that ARE great in the sack. it's the ones that aren't arrogant egomaniacs that satisfy the ladies.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
knock on da door, and ring da bell.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post kept my peener company
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DAMN THAT WAS HOTTT!
kinda like uhhh......the lady from the sunday night sex show narrating a romantic novel............
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-19 16:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i loved it! but have your roommate take some pics next time!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you'd just let ME touch you, you'd be able to toss aside all your toys, contraptions, power tools, etc.
I am the best.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My mommy let me on the internet today, and I found this website by doing a google search for "Assassinate George W. Bush." It seems our teacher Miss Kristen wanted us to do a report on presidential assassinations for some reason.
Anyway, there was someone who had apparently spammed this particular post named "I_Have_A_Kristen_Fetish". Since I also have a Kristen Fetish of sorts, (my teacher is a pretty lady), I decided to read some of his posts...I clicked on his 'user info' and read some of his writing. A lot of it seemed to be focused on "Sucking the Piss" out of some girls - whatever that means...
Anyway, there was a girl named Kristen who had responded to some of these, so I decided to check her stuff out....Oh MY GOD!
Submitted by cowstastegood (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. I hope you enjoy all your future conversations with God.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by R.aZeN (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:59:27 (#)
Ranking: -1
G-Spot and Clitoral orgasms are the same. You're never had a *real* orgasm if you think they're any different. Sorry to burst your bubble.
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And the Dumbass Award goes to...R.aZeN!
Two Types Of Orgasm
It is now known women can experience two kinds of orgasm. But they are not clitoral vs. vaginal as some have reported.
1.The most common (some times called clitoral) also involves the vagina since the clitoral stimulation also produces contractions of the pubococcygeal (PC) muscle supporting the pelvic floor which is where "vaginal" contractions are felt.
2. G-spot and Uterine. G-spot stimulation results in orgasmic contractions around the uterus, which is several inches above the pelvic floor.
Later research has shown that women who can orgasm both ways have even deeper, more powerful blended orgasm, resulting from contractions in both areas at once.
Source: http://www.libchrist.com/sexed/Gspot.html
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:04:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:01:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
That vibrator's hot, Kwissy. Let's play with it....together. "
my apartment is availble as a neutral location.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zone - you make this happen and I will be in Williamsburg in two shakes of a lamb's tail to join the party.
Submitted by Kristins Students at 2004-08-19 15:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No more apples for you teach. It's all dildos and astroglide from now on.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:01:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
That vibrator's hot, Kwissy. Let's play with it....together. "
my apartment is availble as a neutral location.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-08-19 15:01:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That vibrator's hot, Kwissy. Let's play with it....together.
What?
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by R.aZeN (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
G-Spot and Clitoral orgasms are the same. You're never had a *real* orgasm if you think they're any different. Sorry to burst your bubble.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:44:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanatos brings up a good point here, Kristen. With your (ever so enticing) picture dotting this website, as well as your MVA status, aren't you the least bit worried you may end up with an Uberuser student who can identify you?
-------------------------------------------
Maybe she's counting on it!
Da...Da da da DA......da da da DA......da da....do do dodo dup de dooo......
I'm hot for teacher!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanatos brings up a good point here, Kristen. With your (ever so enticing) picture dotting this website, as well as your MVA status, aren't you the least bit worried you may end up with an Uberuser student who can identify you?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:27:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:26:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
All I could think about after reading this(except Kristen nekkid) was about one of your students stumbling upon this.
--------------------------------------
That would be FUNNY AS HELL!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wouldn't care if they found this...now, if one of them perchance scraped up enough brain cells to figure out how to look at my User Info and found my picture in an old post, then I would be embarrassed.
And Whiz, I doubt it but thank ya for vote of confidence there. :-)
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:41:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah you should try timing both of them together. I have managed that occasionally for my wife and she loved it.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B.at.W...i've got a feeling that its just awkward-sexual enough to be put up on B@W.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:26:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
All I could think about after reading this(except Kristen nekkid) was about one of your students stumbling upon this.
--------------------------------------
That would be FUNNY AS HELL!!
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, right, we know what really gets you off. The thought of all those guys at work getting boners at their desks reading about your G-spot.
But me? I'm at home, and no one is around is around to see mine. HA! Fantasy ruined.
-Bus
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All I could think about after reading this(except Kristen nekkid) was about one of your students stumbling upon this.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Avert your eyes, Ross.
Ummmm, I think a guy's G-spot equivalent is their prostate, but I'm a greedy lover and don't actually know.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:19:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta tell you.... even if the orgasm is shatter-the-windows- good.... I'd feel a little uncomfortable sticking something that looks like a snake up my hoohoodilly...
-----------------------------------------------------
No offense LoJo, but according to your rape posts, you feel uncomfotable with most anything up your, ahem, "hoohoodilly".
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W (the "B" stands for boner). Way to conquer that big "O".
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know where the G-Spot is!
It's that button I push that makes women shake like an epileptic.
I usually push it 5 or 6 times a night, but my snake is built-in.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this stuff because of the sexual frustration you cause the lads.
It reminds me of the pet dick getting caught practicing his "mantra" in his tent.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me feel so sick and disgusted, I will need a script of Viagra to jack off to Filthy and Circe's pictures now! Thanks alot KRISTEN!
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So do guys have a G-spot? Because that would be the end of mankind as we know it. Seriously, just think about it for a second and you'll start crying like I am right now.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-19 14:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ok, I ripped the box open upon arrival and promptly tested it out."
You didn't even wash it first??? Do you have any idea where that thing's been??? No you don't! You are a sick sick person. You will probably now have vaginal warts because 'Bubba Bo Bob' from the toy factory sticks all of them down his pants before shipping them because it gives him a cheap thrill that he later takes out on smack-addicted prostitutes!
Don't ask me how I know that.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:48:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, Steve, I'll perpetuate the myth that baginers eat peeners amongst the impressionable youmg'uns I teach.
================================================
You could have told me to avert my eyes
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, if I wasn't on this new "nice guy who doesn't cheat anymore" kick, I would be actively pursuing your number... But it's the thought that counts.
If you and WillZone get together, let the man take pictures for God's sake!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, Steve, I'll perpetuate the myth that baginers eat peeners amongst the impressionable youmg'uns I teach.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My suggestion: Print this sucker out and hand it to all your students. Doug and the other assesg will be too "indisposed" to even stand up, let alone physically threaten you.
Oh, and towards the end add a line that goes something like this.
"The solid design of the vibrator makes me feel much more secure, since I have the tendency of ripping off my lover's manhood with my ridiculously massive vaginal walls."
The thought alone will certainly scare the shit out of any man in the area. Men who are just standing near the story will get croth pains through osmosis alone, without reading it.
Yours truly,
Stewie
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What kinda teacher are you???
Jesus Christ
You should be researching fractions and New England, not making your poontap exhale is spiritual glory
Nice post though
wink wink wink
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is your real name Anka Radakovich?
Good lord if my boss comes and calls me into a meeting I'm screwed.
No way I'm standing up for at least half an hour.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hm. That's a lot of graphic detail. And to what ends? I dunno, if you were a newer user I suspect everyone would be telling you that you were trying to hitwhore with all the "sexy" things in this.
Meh.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1P21G,
Yes, there's a difference between orgasms. In my opinion, the G-spot orgasm is deeper, more...satisfying. One of those satiates me, whereas I may need a couple clitoral orgasms to get the same result. It also starts off kind of uncomfortably, so whether the payoff is worth it is individual. Clitoral orgasms are more intense. They're kind of like an *good* electrical zap for me, and they only last a second, but I can have quite a few of them. And unlike men, whose orgasms get further and further apart the more he has per session, these get closer together.
Clitoral orgasms from oral sex are awesome. I wouldn't say they're better than any other orgasm, but the lead up to it is definitely in a whole other league.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A woman detailing self-pleasure...
My, it's a lovely day.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have so much thanks to ubersite.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good hell! This will get 20,000 hits in like an hour. You should've put Kristen + imagery filled vibrator post =thousands of boners and hits.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, Stevie, But isn't it more disgusting to let the granny panties touch all the pretty lace and satin skimpy underthings? What if it's contagious?
Andy, I hope y'all will have fun. And by 'hope' I mean 'know' and by 'fun' I mean...riiiiiiiight.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kristen, is this shit really true? My last girlfriend always talked about the differences between the orgasms she had from oral and the orgasms she had during sex. She said the oral ones were better, she didn't like g-spot based ones. Seems like a bunch of malarkey to me.
I should mention, though, that your story really turned me on... Rock on baby.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for "Period-undies drawer". You women really have those? That's kind of disgusting, sorry.
but you get a +4 for both the amazing writing and the rapidly-arousing descriptions. Tennessee, here I come!!! wink, wink.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta tell you.... even if the orgasm is shatter-the-windows- good.... I'd feel a little uncomfortable sticking something that looks like a snake up my hoohoodilly...
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot damn.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, i'm going to give her something to remember me by until next month and i won't need a serpentine vibrator, trust me. i leave women satisfied for months. yeah, it's that good.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...This just may be your best work to date.
And hey, if you ever need any um...... *help* with the getting of the off, you give ole Val a call, ya hear?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 13:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's tomorrow, Andy? They have overnight delivery for these things, ya know. Give her something to remember you by till next time.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post, but keep in mind, you could of just called me and i could've made it happen.
(i know every guy prolly has already made that joke...but I mean it.) :)
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
technology has been taking men away from women so much that technology now satisfies women, you are in debt to the people who created this device, they have your information. Expect nerds to come to your door.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boner at work....
Thank-you !! (great stuff...got any pictures so we can "visualize" it??"
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Random motherfucking Sofa_Quee at 2004-08-19 12:23:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
My penis is shaped like that, and people used to make fun of me. We'll see who's laughing now!
=======================================================================
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahahahaha
that picture is hilarious!
oh man, talking about g-spots and nipple and clitoral rubbing is killing me.
i know a certain naughty girl who is going to get the business tomorrow...
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This one's going to the top. Congratulations on finding God. I'm sure many good times will ensue.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post rank:
+1 - Post about masturbation.
+2 - It's FEMALE masturbation!
+2 - For reference to gas-powered vibrators.
+1 - For fantastic graphical representation.
+2 - For telling what the "G" in G-spot really stands for.
--------
Ubersite pwns j00:
-6 - Damn, and I really liked this post too. *Shakes fist at small ranking numbers*
--------
Final Rank: +2... but it's still a +8 in our hearts!
Submitted by WQP at 2004-08-19 12:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:20:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
PMJ-I think that may require too much coordination for me.
-----
I'd give you a hand (more likely a tongue) with that!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
G spot orgasms make you feel like you have to pee.
Whern you get that feeling... just let go.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah is is headed to heated and B@W.
Submitted by Jared_IRL (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome! great story!!
Question for all you girls out there. Is God different from having an orgasm from sex? I know there are two different ones, the clitoral one and the penetration, inside one, but is there a third??
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I removed the Serpentine with disgust usually reserved for wife beating trailer trash"
You shouldn't fuck the trailer trash, Kristen! Bad Kristen! Go to my room!
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah too many jokes to make here so I will refrain. Your former boyfriends have either been selfish, ill equipped or both.
Submitted by Spiritoso (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't bother -2 for playing with plastic toys when you could have the real thing. If your fat and ugly go back and give your self +2
Submitted by Random motherfucking Sofa_Quee at 2004-08-19 12:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My penis is shaped like that, and people used to make fun of me. We'll see who's laughing now!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mystia-http://www.babeland.com/page/TIB/PROD/vibrators-g-spot/DW333710
PMJ-I think that may require too much coordination for me.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have never experienced God either. I will promptly give it a try...
Submitted by bush_lies (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry about the zero.....
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mystia - just google "serpentine vibrator".
I did.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so going to check out Good Vibrations website when I get home. . . only nine hours to go. Damn.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That thing looks like a Yu-Gi-Oh! character.
Submitted by bush_lies (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for the boner.
next time i'm working on my girl friend i'll search around until she says she feels the need to pee.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot girl talks about orgasms on internet. We have to pay for this elsewhere!
I love uber.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where can I get one of those?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
try coming to my house
For Checkers.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, men have a "G-Spot" too.
It's called "The Prostate".
Submitted by Whiskey_Sour (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just a "lurker" around here, but just want to let you
know that your posts are awesome. Thanks for the entertainment!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try combining both types of stimulation at once. I've only been told good things about it.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"the 'period undies' drawer, to be buried under mounds of flowered granny panties and gym socks"
I knew I wasn't the only one to have one of those.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GIVE ME THAT BOOK!
I mean...good post.
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hope that makes up for your shitty first teaching day.
I always thought the male/female orgasm thing balanced out, women having multiples/different types, but men having that one moment of total pleasure abandon.
this post has made me change my mind.
dammit!
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2. Made my pecker stiff.
Next time, please include visual aids. Strictly to examine your technique.
You naughty, naughty girl.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless you.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:02:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good god, I really need a cold shower now.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lovely...
Submitted by WQP at 2004-08-19 12:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have vibrators that need a ripcord to start.
---------
This made me laugh so hard... damn woman, you are tough, do you roll your own tampons, too?
+2 for giving me the biggest boner of my life.
Hey... it looks like snakes aern't your worst foe afterall!
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2004-08-19 12:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-19 11:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-19 11:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
most heated