Jeremy's comfort. Epilogue. (1217 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.59 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bigmike (View user info) at 2004-08-19 23:59:19 EDT
Jeremy's comfort.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42188
Jeremy's dad awoke with a start. At first he didn't know where he was, but as his eyes searched the room, he recognized the inside of the motel.
His body was covered in sweat. He looked over at the alarm clock. It was shining 3:42. He rolled over but he knew instantly that he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. He arose and went into the bathroom. He had to get an aspirin.
He kept seeing it. Over and over again. He started to consider what had happened.
Amanda had really pissed him off. He had been begging her to ease up on the visitations for Jeremy, but she had held fast. No visitation unless supervised. Only one day a week. God that had made him angry.
When he went over to the house the other day to talk it over with her, she was as stubborn as usual. He had pleaded with her to let him see his son more often and unsupervised. There was so much that he wanted to do. So many things he wanted to teach young Jeremy. He knew he had made mistakes in the past, been irresponsible, an alcoholic. All these things were changing and Amanda had wanted no part of it, no part of him.
He opened the medicine cabinet and scanned the contents. Top shelf, chap stick, vaseline, dental floss.
That day he had had enough. He arrived at the house and Amanda had already been on her guard. The more they talked, the more angry he had gotten. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and he had hit her, hard.
The rest of the events of that day were a blur.
He remembered loading her and Jeremy into the car. Jeremy was quiet and ever so trusting. There was no problem at all with him. Amanda was a little bit more of a challenge. He had to carry her to the car, get her in and strap her down. He didn't remember how he did it, but the next thing he knew he was at the boat launch.
Second shelf, toothbrush, toothpaste, witch hazel.
He hit her one more time for good measure and put the car in gear.
The image that keeps waking him up, the image in his dream is of Jeremy. As the car rolled towards the water, Jeremy looked out the back window right at him. He was meaning to just run away from the launch but he caught Jeremy's gaze through the back window.
Despair, confusion, fright. That's all he thought. Either Jeremy knew what was happening, or he was just frightened because of the situation. He couldn't look away from Jeremy and the world turned to slow motion. He watched the whole time as the water engulfed his ex wife and their son. He heard Jeremy exclaim "Mommy, Mommy!" through the opening in the back window. A few seconds later he heard him exclaim, "Water! Mommy Water!".
He had tears in his eyes as he ran away from the launch.
He has had the same image in his mind every minute of every day ever since. Jeremy's face going by very slowly, the look of fear and hopelessness, tears rolling down his cheeks. It was driving him mad, very slowly.
Third shelf, mints, band aids, rolaids. Where the hell was the aspirin?
He walked over to his suitcase and started to rummage through it. He checked all the compartments and after most everything was tossed aside on the floor, he found the aspirin bottle.
He grabbed it and walked back towards the bed. He clicked the TV on and sat down at the edge of the bed. He grabbed the warm beer that he had left on the nightstand and popped open the aspirin. He looked up at the TV and he saw his sons face staring back at him. It was a news story and they were running the story on every newscast because it really had alot of human interest. Plus the killer was still at large. They hadn't found him, but they had found the bodies.
The picture they were showing was of Jeremy at his first birthday party, dressed in his pokemon costume. He was the cutest little pikachu anybody had ever seen. That picture had been in a frame on the TV at home. Amanda had taken it. It was taken when times were good. How easy it is for times to go bad.
As the news broadcast was scrolling the number to call in case you had any information on the killings, Jeremy's dad slowly tipped the full aspirin bottle into his mouth. He followed it with a swig of the warm beer and sat there staring at the aspirin. He tipped the bottle to his mouth again, shaking the rest of the little white pills into his mouth, took another pull of stale beer, and dropped the bottle on the floor. There were at least one hundred pills in that bottle. Now they were resting not so comfortably in his stomach.
He got up, turned the television off and went over to the side of the bed. He laid down. rolled over and switched the radio on the nightstand to on. He clicked the cassette tape into place, rolled over on his back and listened to the last song he would ever hear again. He didn't even realize that he had started to cry.
"Momma loves her baby,
And daddy loves you, too.
And the sea may look warm to ya, babe,
And the sky may look blue.
Oooooo babe.
Oooooooo baby blue.
Oooooo ooohh babe.
If you should go skating,
On the thin ice of modern life,
Dragging behind you the silent reproach,
Of a million tear-stained eyes,
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice,
Appears under your feet.
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind,
With your fear flowing out from behind,
You as you claw the ice."
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-24 04:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was sick....i mean sick as in incredible
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-08-24 03:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Compelling. I like the duel sided story, and how the epilogue didn't just turn out to be a dream. I also forgot to mention how I (sadistic remark nearing) enjoyed the realism of the situation. How Jeremy's mom didn't regain consciousness and Jeremy wasn't saved. I thought it fitting for him to die, as sick and depraved as that sounds, but that's life. The good guys always win in the movies but with an actual story, reality tends to take hold.
My biggest fear of death isn't the action itself occurring, but that my last thought will be regret.
Submitted by VindicationBot (user info) at 2004-08-24 03:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
would
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-08-20 22:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-20 14:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cool.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-20 11:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't change anything about your style or your responses. One of the reasons I enjoy reading your stuff is the emotion and description you use. When you find a writer that can send chills down your spine, bring a tear to your eye, and/or make you furious with rage at a fictional character, then, my friend, you have found a great author indeed. Make no excuses for yourself.
Keep turning out works like this and you'll have my undying repect. I'm here for the writing, not the popularity. Not that my opinion means anything.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-20 11:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-20 10:48:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just sit down and write. I never plan it ahead of time. I do the same thing you do, just sit down, click submit, and wait.
I think everyone thinks you are being defensive because you've seemed kind of cranky lately. Is everything ok?
Everything is groovy. I've been writing alot lately. Most of what I have been writing is kind of dark. Is that why I seem cranky? Or, is it the quality of my replies that indicates my crankiness?
Maybe I should consider my replies more carefully. Or my subject matter.
Anyhow, things are fine.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-20 10:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just sit down and write. I never plan it ahead of time. I do the same thing you do, just sit down, click submit, and wait.
I think everyone thinks you are being defensive because you've seemed kind of cranky lately. Is everything ok?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-20 10:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-20 10:06:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't intend that to be an insult to your ability to just let things flow. It actually was a supposed to be a compliment implying that this would have kicked ass in a competition.
I took it as a compliment Bob. Of course it wasn't an insult.
Why does everybody think I'm being defensive lately? I appreciated your comment. I've always wondered how many Uberusers out there use word for their creations and how many just sit down and write without agonizing over it or making sure every little thing is perfect.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-20 10:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't intend that to be an insult to your ability to just let things flow. It actually was a supposed to be a compliment implying that this would have kicked ass in a competition.
Yes, there is a reason that I've been quiet posting-wise lately. I'm giving away my strategy here, but I let it slip to begin with. I'm not the best flow-er and I'm a perfectionist, so I tend to revise myself over and over when I'm looking to impress. Knowing your weaknesses is a strength.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-08-20 09:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have Pink Floyd stuck in my head now.
I'm not saving anything for ubermadness. I lack the ability of foresight for that type of thing.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-20 09:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-20 08:13:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Uberer most likely to go on a psycho killing spree: I vote Bigmike.
You should have saved these for Ubermadness, if you're going to compete.
I find this to be a very interesting comment.
Are others doing this? Saving up works for UberMadness?
Funny thing about how I write. I sit down at the computer, log on to Uber, read a few submissions, hit the submit button, and sit for a few minutes.
Then I start to write. Jeremy came to me as a thought a few minutes before I sat down the other night. Originally he was meant to live, being saved at the last minute. The thought of him being trapped in his car seat was really an afterthought.
The epilogue came about the same way. I started to wonder about what happened to his dad. I wondered what affect the killings had on him. He would naturally be the only suspect so he had to hide, but how did he feel about it?
I gues the reason I wouldn't, couldn't save anything for UberMadness is that I create these on the spot. I'll sit down at 10:30 in the evening and start writing and by 11:30 I've proofed and made changes.
Maybe if I start using word, I can save some of these, I don't know.
The biggest issue that I have with UberMadness even though I finished third last time, is time given to create a post. Most of my posts last time were created within a day of receiving my topic. Then I had to wait until the end of the deadline in almost every single case to see what my fellow writer had created. I had one post created before I actually even got my topic during the last UberMadness. I also had one where I questioned whether or not it was ethical to post because it was a derivative of another work that had been posted in an earlier round.
Now Razor is suggesting we have 9 days to write a post. 9 days! It is supposed to be a contest. Why make it so easy?
To get back to the point, saving stuff for UberMadness is impossible for me as I create my posts on the spot right on the submit page of Uber. None of them are pre-written so to speak. I just write and submit.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-20 09:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Wake up sleepy head we're here, before we play
we're gonna take mama for a little walk along the pier
Baby, don't cry honey, don't get the wrong idea
Mama's too sleepy to hear you screamin in her ear
That's why you can't get her to wake, but don't worry
Da-da made a nice bed for mommy at the bottom of the lake
Here, you wanna help da-da tie a rope around this rock?
We'll tie it to her footsie then we'll roll her off the dock
Ready now, here we go, on the count of free..
One.. two.. three.. WHEEEEEE!
There goes mama, splashin in the wa-ta
No more fightin with dad, no more restraining order
No more step-da-da, no more new brother
Blow her kisses bye-bye, tell mama you love her
Now we'll go play in the sand, build a castle and junk
But first, just help dad with two more things out the trunk"
'97 Bonnie and Clyde - Tori Amos
This story made me think of that. Disturbed.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-08-20 09:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, man.
Fuck.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-08-20 08:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good God, man. You and your depressing stories.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-08-20 08:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, quit it! *tear*
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-20 08:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is absolutley awesome man... I'm going to put Pink Floyd on right now and forget the rest of the day. You are the Kicker of all ass.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-20 08:13:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uberer most likely to go on a psycho killing spree: I vote Bigmike.
You should have saved these for Ubermadness, if you're going to compete.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-08-20 03:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a plesant surprise to get an epilouge. Great writing.
Espo
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-20 02:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So sad...
Submitted by WaCKo_giRL (user info) at 2004-08-20 02:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ur a really good writer.
Submitted by airos4 (user info) at 2004-08-20 01:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by GhostWriter (user info) at 2004-08-20 00:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42188#738203
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-08-20 00:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome follow-up to a great piece of writing.
Keep 'em coming!
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-20 00:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're nuts.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-20 00:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First Genesis, then Pink Floyd?
Bigmike, you are my hero!
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-20 00:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-20 00:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
those are lyrics right? where from ?? argh i cant place them right now..
very very good!