banned toys (3346 hits)
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Submitted by Andy Barr <zanz38.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2002-08-09 07:06:53 EDT
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MORE BANNED TOYS
So you can shop safely, we present the latest list of toys that have been banned in Swanson County. Please avoid them.
BEAN BAG BABIES - These popular items were withdrawn from sale because of deceptive labeling after it was determined that they were not toys, but furniture -- seconds and irregulars from a bean bag chair factory. Also, they did not actually contain beans.
DOGERANG - Flat, circular dog that can be thrown like a Frisbee, then fetches itself. Comes in a traditional bandanna-fabric pouch. Outlawed for encouraging cruelty to animals.
AIR BARBIE - Young sports fans can make Barbie a basketball star by pumping her stomach to enlarge her chest, making her jump higher and play longer. Removed from store shelves when it turned out to be just a renamed version of the previously banned Breast Augmentation Barbie.
TICKLE ME PORKY - Stuffed porcupine that giggles when it is tickled. Banned for safety reasons following reports that it also leaves sharp quills sticking in children's hands.
ANT RANCH - This educational toy lets children learn to herd, rope, and brand small insects. Banned for encouraging cruelty to animals and because small parts pose a choking hazard.
LINCOLN-LIKE LOGS - This children's construction set was banned for fraud after it was discovered that the packages contained bundles of surplus firewood instead of the expected interlocking building sticks.
JUNIOR DEMOLITION ENGINEER PLAYSET - This toy allows children to participate in urban renewal by imploding toy buildings. Banned following several incidents of vandalism in which children used the set's explosives to blow up real buildings.
LION PRINCE FUZZY FRIENDS - Advertised as stuffed versions of the popular movie lions, warthogs, rhinos, and antelope, these toys turned out to be part of a scheme by unscrupulous wildlife dealers to smuggle live endangered species into the county. Also, there have been several reports of children who received these animals last year being injured or killed when their fuzzy pals grew to adult size and became dangerous.
LITTLE MISS AMERICA EXOTIC BEAUTY SET - This cosmetic set for little girls contains implements to allow children to actually tattoo and pierce themselves. Seized by Swanson County authorities while arresting a group of grade school children for running an unlicensed body modification parlor. This toy also infringes upon the Miss America Pageant's copyright.
A SLUG'S LIFE ACTION FIGURES - These toys depicting the popular invertebrate and his friends were recalled for relabeling after the Swanson County Consumer Protection Agency ruled that the toys move too slowly to be sold as "action figures."
DAN'L BOONE COONSKIN CAPS - This attempt to revive the popular juvenile headgear of the 1950's failed when it was discovered that the hats were live raccoons who had been drugged to make them sit still on children's heads.
UNDERGROUND RAILROAD - Advertised as a educational toy to teach children about the slave experience during the nineteenth century, this toy was returned by scores of angry parents who complained that the train set would only run when it was buried in dirt.
NUCLEAR POP ROCKS - This souped-up version of the once-popular explosive candy was banned from the classroom by local teachers who complained that the mushroom clouds produced when it is chewed distracted other students. The ban was made county-wide after the Swanson County Health Department named it a radiation hazard and blamed it for injuries sustained by several children, whose lower jaws were blown off as they consumed the candy.
UNSCOM INVESTIGATOR KIT - Inspired by recent events in Iraq, this toy encourages children to look for weapons of mass destruction hidden in their neighborhoods. Recalled after complaints that its detection instruments set off household smoke alarms.
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BANNED TOYS
As a service to those who do their Christmas shopping early, we present the following list of dangerous or unsuitable toys that have been removed from the shelves of Swanson County stores. If you purchased any of these toys, please return them for a full refund.
TICKLE ME DONNA - A Donna Mackenzie doll that giggles and shakes when picked up. This replica of the famous celebrity can also be used as a vibrator. Banned on moral grounds, and for violating safety standards.
SUPERSWAN ACTION FIGURES - This series of avian superhero toys includes the Swan Trooper, who throws explosive eggs from its armored battle nest, the Swaninator, whose poison-tipped feathers can be fired at an enemy, and Swanspawn, tiny feathered figures who gang up to smother their victims. Banned because of small parts which, if swallowed, may pose a choking hazard. These toys have also been linked to several incidents of swan abuse.
MAMA KITTY - This lifelike feline gives birth to live kittens before your very eyes. Not refillable. Withdrawn from sale when it was discovered that this was not a toy, but merely someone's attempt to get rid of a pregnant cat.
WHIFLEY'S MOO-COW JUNIOR MILK DISPENSER - Cow-shaped milk jug makes a mooing sound as children drink from its udder. Banned because of accident reports associated with its cud-chewing feature; several children were injured when their hair was caught and drawn into the cow's mouth.
WEENIE BABIES - Originally created by a local butcher shop as a method of disposing of surplus hot dogs, they were recalled after only a few days on store shelves for their tendency to turn green without proper refrigeration. A similar product marketed for vegetarians, BEAN BABIES, consisted of dried beans with faces painted on them. Banned for fraud and improper use of an agricultural product.
PICKLE-ME-ELMO - This popular doll was outlawed in Swanson County when it was found to be nothing more than a cleverly-disguised alcohol decanter. Local authorities were alerted to the problem by local day-care center operator, who reported that several pre- schoolers had asked her about "starting a tab."
MARV ALBERT ACTION FIGURE - This miniature reproduction of the famed sportscaster was removed from stores after someone noticed tiny bite marks on Barbie's back.
FLESH-EATING BACTERIA COSTUME - All remaining stock of this leftover Halloween costume was seized by the Swanson County Health Department when it was determined that the costume came with actual flesh-eating bacteria.
BREAST AUGMENTATION BARBIE - This doll lets aspiring cosmetic surgeons perform an operation to increase the size of Barbie's bustline. Along with NOSE JOB SKIPPER, it was withdrawn from sale following allegations that the dolls promoted an unrealistic self-image.
SLURP 'N' SPILL ERNIE - This doll was recalled after parents protested that it was teaching children bad table manners.
JUNIOR VETERINARIAN KIT - Allowed children to play "animal doctor" and try to cure a victim of Mad Cow Disease (batteries not included). Banned after its "authentic" surgical instruments were linked to several incidents of cruelty to animals.
CONTACT LIVE ACTION SPACESHIP - This reproduction of the ship from the Jodie Foster movie flopped because nobody could tell if it did anything.
SPACE STATION MIR MODEL KIT - Withdrawn from sale because defective parts kept making it break down.
TEENAGE MUTILATED NINJA TURTLE ACTION FIGURES - Replicas of the popular cartoon terrapins. Each figure comes with a cleaver, butcher knife, or icepick, and includes a packet of fake blood. Recalled in response to parental complaints that these toys encouraged children to commit violent acts, and for having small parts that could present a choking hazard.
SCHINDLER'S LIST ACTION FIGURES - Despite the manufacturer's claim that they were a historical resource, Swanson County educators have rejected these politically incorrect figures, including the Sadistic Nazi Guard with Movable Fists, the War Profiteer, and the Emaciated Refugee, as well as the Crematorium Playset. Banned for being in poor taste, for perpetuating an unfair ethnic stereotype, and for violation of the copyright held by the studio that made the film.
SAUERKRAUT KIDS - These soft-sculpture dolls packaged in bottles of brine were removed from store shelves by the Swanson County Health Department because many of the dolls were long past their expiration date.
ALIEN AUTOPSY - From the makers of OPERATION, this sci-fi toy allows you to dissect an extraterrestrial over and over again. Banned because the realistic alien corpse posed a radiation hazard.
FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE BOARD GAME - Move your life-size token (butcher knife, cleaver, pitchfork, or other sharp implement) around the map of a summer camp as you try to collect all the jigsaw puzzle pieces to form Jason's hockey mask. Winner gets to slaughter the other players. This game was banned after being linked to several unsolved homicides.
User Reviews
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-02-22 12:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this was all messed up....
old message, and im still the frist review.