An Essay On The Majesty And Brilliance That Is...The Karate Kid. (1377 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.84 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Badlands (View user info) at 2004-08-20 14:32:42 EDT
That's right...I'm doing it. I'm stepping up right now and declaring that The Karate Kid is THE defining feel-good movie of the 1980's. It's true. You call me what you will. I don't care. My opinion won't be swayed. I stand firm on this. Alone, maybe. But firm.
If you're still reading this, you're probably saying to yourself...who is this tool, and why do I want to read anything he has to say about The Fucking Karate Kid? Fair enough. I've run into your kind of resistance before. I've stood up to the naysayers. I'm not afraid. So allow me, if you will...to crush your uninformed opinion. Let us begin.
The Plot
This skinny (but ultimately likeable) dork is forced to move from his comfortable New York surroundings to the evil that is Southern California. There, he feuds with a rough gang of crotch-rocket riding bullies, gets his ass handed to him repeatedly, turns to an old creepy Chinese guy for help, learns karate in about 3 weeks, falls in love with a sweet piece of ass, defends his honor in a Karate Tournament against the bullies, almost loses the use of his leg in the semi-finals, shows heart and courage by rallying back in the finals, and pulls of an upset for the ages against the head bully. Everyone learns an important life lesson. The End.
Now tell me...for and $8 movie ticket and the price of a jumbo popcorn, a bag of twizzlers and a 70 oz. soda...does it get ANY better than this?? I think not.
Badlands 1, Naysayers 0.
The Characters
Mr. Miyagi ---- What brilliance! A cross between Tony Robbins, Bruce Lee and Confucious. He could motivate, crack skulls and wax philosophical - without breaking a sweat. He was the original Kicker Of All Ass, my friends.
And you gotta hand it to the director here. With such a perfectly written character, the role needed to be casted very carefully. The trouble was, back in 1984, you didn't have great Asian warriors like Jet Li and Chow Yun Fat around to sink their teeth into this meaty role. So who do you call?
You guessed it...Arnold from Happy Days. Pat Morita. And while I personally am not privy to such information, one can only assume that the studio had to be more than a little concerned about whether or not a sitcom genius like Arnold from Happy Days could carry such a significant role. But Morita came through in spades. In fact, he actually received a Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination for his role as Miyagi. Which, in 1984 was the equivalent of James VanDerwhatever from "Dawson's Creek" being nominated now.
And how about Ralph Macchio? That's right...Ralph Fucking Macchio! I am convinced that he was Daniel-San long before the writers ever conceived the character. What typecasting! Let's face it, when the movie begins (no matter if you are the bullying type or not), you desperately want to kick this kid's ass. But by the end, you firmly believe that:
A) Daniel-San could beat up every single member of the Kobra Kai in a karate tournament.
B) Even though he was a skinny little dork who couldn't fight, had no money, no car, and had to have his mom drive him on dates...that could, in fact, ACTUALLY pull a sweet-looking, rich girl piece of ass like Elizabeth Shue.
Sensei John Kreese ---- Holy shit, this guy was scary. Tell me, if he were your Sensei, would you ever disobey him? Hell no. The man had no mercy. Not a shred! A fact that is clearly proven during the most powerfully gripping scene to ever grace the silver screen: the one where, Kreese—full of pure, unadulterated hatred for the 16-year old Daniel San—gives the bone-chilling "Sweep The Leg" Order. Jeepers! What a menace! I still have nightmares about his behavior.
And finally, Johnny Lawrence ---- Oh yeah! Daniel's arch-nemesis and leader of the Kobra Kai. This guy was pure evil. Hell, he even proved it by dressing up like a skeleton for Halloween and then beating the crap out of poor Daniel-San (who was pitifully dressed as a shower).
Of course, there was only one man who had the stones to play the Johnny character. And that, was the definitive 80's UberVillan...Billy Zabka. Tell me, during that era, was there anyone better? From his portrayal as Greg Toland in "Just One Of The Guys," to Chazz in "Back To School," to Jack the cheating boyfriend in "European Vacation"... nobody did bad better than the Uber-Zabka. Nobody. I will not argue this.
Badlands 2, Naysayers 0.
Scenes Of Awesomeness.
Now I could go on for hours on this topic (though mere hours could not truly do KK justice). But instead, I'll finish up with my favorite scenes. Much like the Crane Kick, these final points are the knock out blow.
"Painta Fence...Sanda Floor...Waxon-a-waxoff."
Tell me you've never emulated these maneuvers? Go on. I dare you to lie and say you haven't re-created these scenes with your friends in the yard at least 52 times when you were a kid. (On a side note...my miserable old man had me doing chores like these daily for years, and I still can't deliver a good roundhouse kick).
Killer Montages.
Now as with any feel-good movie, you need awesome montages to get you fired up and believing in the hero. KK has no less than two of them. First - when it's all going wrong for Daniel. He hates his new town, he has no friends, and he gets kicked off the soccer team. All done in a brilliant 3-minute montage with Bananarama's "Cruel Summer" jamming in the background (+2).
And Second - The All-Valley Karate Tournament. Daniel is kicking some ass while one of the greatest made-for-movie songs plays in the background. Remember that song? "You're the best...around...nothing's gonna ever keep you down!" They just don't write songs like that anymore. It still gives me chill bumps when I hear it. Seriously.
The Showdown Scene.
This is the one when Daniel comes limping out of the locker room to fight the Uber-Zabka after Miyagi worked his Ancient Chinese Secret Massage Magic on the kid's bum wheel. What buildup! What anticipation! The music is kicking, the crowd is stunned, and you just know that LaRusso is gonna unleash all sorts of whoop-ass on the Kobra Kai. Go Daniel San!!
The Ultimate Finish.
That's right. The coolest move in all of Karate. Hell, in all of anything anywhere, all around the world...The Crane Kick. I'd say more, but there's no need. You know it. You've tried it. You love it. And it took out the Uber-Zabka. 'Nuff said.
Badlands 3, Naysayers 0. Check. And Mate.
Like a Crane Kick to your chin in the finals of the All-Valley Karate Tournament. This one's over.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-01 18:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by charger (user info) at 2004-08-20 15:14:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 simply because the movie starred the incomparable Elisabeth Shue.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-03-26 17:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Daniel moved from New Jersey....
Nevertheless....BRILLIANT!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-10-18 19:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just saw the movie on television and though of this post. Then I cried, I cried until right to this very moment of clarity in which I realize how true this rings.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-09-14 16:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Part two was better. The chick was hotter.
I thought the most poingant part of part one was when Daniel San was getting all pissed off about Mr. Miyagi making him paint his fence and wax his cars without teaching him any Kar-a-tay. Then Mr. Miyagi, complete with tension-building back-ground music, shows Daniel San what a stupid student he's being by proving how, with all his wisdom and foresight, he was really teaching him the ka-rat-aaay all along. Daniel San has learned to block, which, as we all know, must be learned before we can learn to punch!
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-09-11 05:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.enragedbaboon.com/miyagi.html
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-09-11 05:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-09-11 05:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KK was awesome.
Submitted by tshia2 (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who is this tool?
Submitted by screaney (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mr. miyagi is japanese, but being that he's so ugly, i could see how many would think him a chinaman. he used some sort of bullshit shiatsu massage to convalesce daniel-san's bunk leg. the coolest part is when that guy, the leader of kobra kai, punches through the car windshield without wincing. awesome!!!
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-09-11 03:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-21 17:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HIIIII YA! Hey, Miagi, I got the fly!
You begginers luck.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
OKAY.
FINE.
I ADMIT IT.
YES, I actually say 'wax on, wax off' whilst washing my car and such.
You shut your mouth. You shut your mouth and you die.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-20 15:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-08-20 15:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wait, no. I take that back. You lifted a lot of this from Bill Simmons, on ESPN.com's page 2.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-08-20 15:25:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You bastard. I wanted to talk about the Karate Kid. Ahhh well. There's always KK 2.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-20 15:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob - Agreed.
The line - "Get him a bodybag...yeahhhhhhh!" ranks right up there with ... 'Two months, Bender...you're mine for two months." as one of the signature movie quotes of the 1980s.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-20 15:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best line in The Katate Kid came during the final part of the tournament, when one of the Cobra Kai yelled out:
"Give him a body bag!"
Submitted by charger (user info) at 2004-08-20 15:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+@ simply because the movie starred the incomparable Elisabeth Shue.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-20 14:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah, CBG, what's with all the garbage posts today? Where is the quality? I've only enjoyed three things I read today, maybe four. This one, the CBG post, the Zone post and one about boobies. Where's Smurfs to save us?
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-20 14:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Karate Kid is one of the best 80's movies, but I have to nominate my personal favorite, Back to the Future. I've written a plot summary here.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39983
I bet you didn't know I could linkwhore, did you?
Keep up the good work - nice mentioning "Just One of the Guys." My favorite line -
"Greg it's a joke, people laughed let it slide. You're not gonna go anything stupid are you?"
"No, I'm gonna buy him an ice cream."
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-20 14:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
With all the shit on the front page, this was just all kinds of awesome. Post more often you crazy bastard.
karate here (points to brain)
karate here (points to crotch)
karate not here (points to penis)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-20 14:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've seen Karate Kid 15 times. Too bad Macchio never aged once he hit the tender age of 9.