...and then he sucked my toe. (1241 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by worm (View user info) at 2004-08-20 16:30:58 EDT
It was a typical autumn wednesday in Minneapolis. The breeze kicked foliage down Washington Avenue, four cylinder cars whined past right-lane semis, and the bitter cold of the sidewalk crept into my body through my shoes.
Class was over, and I was feeling chipper. I was on my way to lacrosse practice when a voice pulled me aside.
"Do you play lacrosse?" The man asked, pointed to the crossed sticks on my sweatshirt.
"Yeah, I do." I replied, squiting my eyes from a sudden burst of wind.
"My name's Rich. I'm a sports therapy and massage major here at the U. I'm working toward my masters- should finish this year. Would you be interested in a free weekly massage?"
Let me back up for a second.
I am 6'6", 230 lbs. At the time, I was 18 years old and a meager 3 weeks into college. I was in great shape, and was meeting people everywhere. Rich was about 5'6", with a beer belly. He was in his late 20's with a dark black 5 o'clock shadow; more portly than rugged and very friendly.
A man-on-man massage did give me a bit of pause, but it was free and I was twice his size. He didn't have a massage table, so all we needed was a chair. I lived a block away, and having it at my dorm was reassuring. He offered his place at first, but was not at all opposed to mine. I can remember like it was yesterday thinking to myself "If he tries any gay shit on me, I'll kick the shit out of him."
And that was that. He seemed trustworthy, he gave me his cell phone number to set up a time to do it and I took my time. Two weeks later I gave him a call and he came by. As we walked down the hallway to my room, I offered some small talk to take the edge off of the I'm-getting-a-massage-from-a-strange-man feeling.
"So, did you get your undergrad in kenisiology?"
"Yeah, I took a few classes."
I didn't even realize what he had said until my key was in the lock and I pushed the door open. The wheels in my head were awhirl. But I couldn't just kick this nice man out of my room on suspicion before he had even started his massage? What if he had majored in massage therapy?
Oh shit, do we even have a massage therapy major?
"Okay, take a seat. We'll start on your back."
I sat down.
The same phase riding the wheels in my head "I'll kick his ass if he tries anything. I'll kick his ass if he tries anything. I'll kick..."
His hands were rough, and his motions were sharp and uncomfortable. Before I could move, he came around the front and sat in front of my feet.
What followed was the second most nauseating event in my entire life. I had just come back from lacrosse practice, and my feet were 12 shades beyond 'smelly'. Rich promptly removed my left sock, shoved my foot under his nose and inhaled. Before I could vomit, his hands went to work. I closed my eyes preparing to be violently ill when I felt moisture come over my big toe.
This was the grand-daddy of nausea. Here comes the #1 stunna...
When I opened my eyes, I found a grown man with his lips around my big toe.
Before he could apply suction, I pulled my foot away from him and, through pangs of disgust, the following words crept from my mouth.
"What the fuck- oh god... leave."
I fully realize that I had promised myself to pound this guy's face into the back of his head, but I was powerless.
When choking down vomit, 'Hand-to-Hand Combat' is right above 'Drink Some Dishsoap' on the To Do List. I sat in that chair and looked at the wall in front of me; it was all I could do to keep my lunch down.
He looked up at me with puppy-dog eyes and drool on his chin before he spoke. Shame washed over him in waves.
"I know my way out."
And he left.
I stared at my feet for a moment, allowing everything to sink in for just a moment. One had a sock on, the other did not... that looked kinda funny. Oh, and one of my toes was shinier than the others.
"AUUUUGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH- AHHH AHH AH ABAA!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!"
I showered, and showered, and showered.
When I was done, I commited the entirety of one towel to the big toe on my left foot, but it still felt wet. I put a sock back on it. No dice. I even rubbed the sock onto my toe from every imaginable angle. Still, nothing. My toe felt wet for the next two days.
I traded chairs with my roomate.
~~
Before then, I had never even pondered how I felt about gays. I had never known a gay man; the subject was irrelevant to my life. After such an experience, I have two new appreciations.
1) The plight of the gay man. Even though this guy had a sweaty,college athelete fetish, he got turned down and basically shamed back into the shadows. I guess my threats of ass kicking didn't take his shame into account. You ever try to hit a man with tears welling up in his eyes? Really, I'm not half as angry as I am sympathetic. That poor, poor bastard.
2) Women, in two respects. The first is how much more I appreciate having a woman with me in a sexual context. They have breasts and they lack penises; two HUGE pluses in my book. The second respect is how they can tolerate men. Men are pigs. My toe in his mouth made me ill. How could I possibly not give props to those who can stomach men's advances and use this power to populate the planet...
That, and they put penises in their mouths.
Happy Friday,
Wo|2M
User Reviews
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-21 18:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate to be the bearer of bad news...
But I'm afraid you've contracted teh ghey.
You won't notice it right away, as it has a three day incubation period. But after that's passed, if you haven't received a late innoculation, you will be full blown, ass-ravagingly gay. Richard Simmons at a pride parade gay. Aging hippie liberal douche gay. Sticks a hampster up his ass with a cardboard tube and has to be admitted to the emergency room after accidentally igniting a pocket of methane and getting third degree burns on his rectum gay.
There's still hope! Get an innoculation as soon as humanly possible and you might just turn out bisexual, like Ryan Seacrest. Good luck.
Submitted by Smithstudd (user info) at 2004-08-21 18:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ha ha.........HOMO
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-08-21 00:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-08-21 00:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here in Little Rock a couple years ago, we had a perv that would "attack" women in one of the parking decks at a hospital and suck on their toes...thats just....nasty.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-21 00:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN GHEY WORMZ
Submitted by zwiebac11 (user info) at 2004-08-20 18:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sorry
Submitted by Spiritoso (user info) at 2004-08-20 18:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
even score because i have yet to figure out the rating system. either you all are nuts or i'am having quite figured that one out yet? and i don't know if your a closet fag trying to make the blue birds shit. at any rate I laughed my ass off...
fuck you on caps...today
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-08-20 18:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why did you ever let that guy into your house? weird. not your fault though, but did the guy really expect a postive response from that? i mean wtf? wow
Submitted by God at 2004-08-20 17:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because you loved every minute, faggot.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-20 17:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good goddamn.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-20 17:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.21:
I'm really sorry Wo|2m, but how can a man ever accept a massage from a random man on the streets? Seriously? I'd be so disgusted that I would run far the fuck away ASAP. Maybe I didn't play enough organized sports?
---------------
Not disgusted, but I'd know ulterior motives. I'm a partially trained masseuse, and the only guy I've given a massage too was a roommate with lymphoma that cramped his legs, and lower back up.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-08-20 17:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sketchy....
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really sorry Wo|2m, but how can a man ever accept a massage from a random man on the streets? Seriously? I'd be so disgusted that I would run far the fuck away ASAP. Maybe I didn't play enough organized sports?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
But now you're officially gay.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit!
good story, i liked the analysis at the end.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
URG!!! Now I need a new keyboard.... Yuck!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm proud of you for being big enough to share that. Not too many guys would put that story out there.
Oh, and fucking hysterical, to boot.
+4.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*smirk*
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should've left it at "I traded chairs with my roomate."
But still +2 worthy!
Submitted by brodiesattva (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my god that is fucking disgusting NO!
ok.
glad to see you were a bigger man.
So, I guess you could say he got the digits?
that was toe-tally not funny
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-08-20 16:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn