Thieving Bastard Squirrels (1146 hits)
Category: Politics -> RepublicansRating: 1.78 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (View user info) at 2004-08-21 02:27:24 EDT
A couple of years ago I lived in residence at university, where there was a rather copious, err, "supply" of small mammals running around. In addition to the skunks, raccoons, rats, and chipmunks, there was an enormous population of squirrels that had, apparently, been genetically modified to feel no sense of fear. Probably the product of some asshole's doctoral research, they would often jump on your bag or scurry across your feet when you were walking, and you had to be careful not to step on them. I quickly learned never to put my lunch down anywhere, because those bastards will come and steal it right in front of your eyes. But, living on the fourth floor of my building, I never thought they would bother me in my room.
One day, shortly before final exams, I was sitting at my desk, reading my biology textbook when I heard this scrabbling noise from outside my open window. After a few minutes I became sufficiently annoyed to get up and see what was going on. I stuck my head out the window to find, not more than 3 inches from my nose, a squirrel perched on the side of the building. I jumped up in alarm, hitting my head on the top of the window frame and shouting obscenities.
Me: FUUUUUCK! You bastard!
Squirrel: Scrabble, scrabble, scrabble.
Me: Go away, I'm trying to study.
Squirrel: Scrabble, scrabble, scrabble, scrabble.
Me: <stomping> SONOFABITCH!
Squirrel: Yaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh!
It jumped, from the wall it had been clinging to, onto my windowsill, a demonic look in it's beady little eyes. I swear it was laughing at me.
Me: <jumping up and down in a futile attempt to scare the squirrel> Fuck you! GO AWAY!
The squirrel simply walked along my windowsill towards my bed. High pitched squirrel laughter filled the room. I could see it calculating the distance to my bed and trying to decide whether it could make the jump.
Desperately, I grabbed my notes, crumpled them up into a ball and threw them.... out the window.
"Noooooooooooooooo," I cried, having just thrown away 4 hours of work, including 3 priceless drawings of my biology teacher.
The now enraged squirrel stood up on its hind legs, stretching itself out to its full, imposing 8" and screamed at me. Undaunted, I picked up my biology book and slammed it down on my desk repeatedly while simultaneously yelling "Serenity now! Serenity now!"
Terrified, and likely thinking me insane, the rodent turned tail (har har) and scurried along the windowsill, pausing to look over its shoulder at me and throw a string of squirrel obscenities my way before jumping back to the safety of the outside wall. It ran over to my neighbor Tim's window and looked inside.
I leaned out the window. "Hey! I dare you to come back here and say that to my face!"
Refusing my foolhardy challenge the squirrel disappeared through Tim's barely open window. I listened for the shrieking I expected to hear (he was terrified of squirrels - he used to walk around with bells on his shoes thinking it would scare them off), but heard nothing. Remembering that he'd gone home for the weekend I wondered what the squirrel would do to his room.
I was considering getting housekeeping to go in and get the squirrel out when it emerged from Tim's window holding a shiny, unopened Twix between it's teeth. It sneered at me and scurried down a drainpipe, disappearing around the corner of the building and out of sight, it's bushy tail following quickly behind it.
I returned to my rather battered biology book and proceeded to read the section on squirrels.
User Reviews
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-11-25 01:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:02:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
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Hahaha!
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2004-10-11 06:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Fucking Comment......ASS HOLE
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-10-10 05:33:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like squrriels... they are cute.
They come up to the back door and I toss them a few peanuts.
Yup, they know who I am.
Submitted by Batsu (user info) at 2004-10-03 02:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2004-10-03 02:18:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
I suck, and I can't use paint worth of shit."
Submitted by HelloMello (user info) at 2004-09-23 00:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pringles4eva (user info) at 2004-09-21 23:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i <3 this post.
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-09-06 02:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-24 17:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda sent him to church...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41201
Submitted by dirty_gook (user info) at 2004-08-21 15:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Munkeypants told me that she'd give me 5 pieces of pez candy if I link my post to all the posts.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42478
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-21 13:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was at UF, they ran a picture in the school newspaper of a squirrel actually seizing some guy's McDonald's coke and trying to drag it away in his little paws.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Again, that is just the best username on this site.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Be careful- squirrels are horrid little rodents. Sorry about the hit-whoring, but this seriously happened to me, and I feel a need to share the tree-rat hatred.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/15006
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-21 10:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For Daring the squirrel to come back and say that to your face!
Submitted by l-ryd (user info) at 2004-08-21 10:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-21 10:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story.
You know, I find nothing wrong with killing bothersome animals.
Your reputation would get around in the squirrel community. They would probably start referring to you as Mr. Death or something like that.
In any event, they would avoid you.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-21 10:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-08-21 10:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Squirrel got ink!
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-21 10:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This brings back memories of my college days. Squirrels and bricks. Lots of squirrels and bricks.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-08-21 10:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what in the hell is that username?
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-08-21 09:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 07:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2004-08-21 04:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story, that pic is great. +2.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2004-08-21 03:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for throwing your notes out of the window and for the Mom tatoo.