Fetish vs. The Prostate Gland (1913 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.07 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fetish_has_a_Fetish_Fetish (View user info) at 2004-08-21 11:26:29 EDT
"Standard Shipping or Next Minute...hmm."
I clicked the back arrow and looked over the product. The "Terpentine Terror". The period-blood-red color and sexxxy Rob Halford face, the high quality uranium, the bumpy ridges of the 'shaft'. Two 12-volt car batteries-that decided it for me!
Clicking forward to the shipping methods once again, I chose the most expensive, military escorted, next minute shipping option there was. What can I say? 12-volts, yo! I have vibrators that need a flux capacitor and physics degree to start. Since I couldn't figure out how to use them, I had to put a rush on this one.
Why, you may wonder, would I not just rape some hapless little boy in the ear like I usually do instead of purchasing this wonder of modern vibratory stimulation? I mean, who pays fifty thousand bucks for something they're going to use once and chuck into the 'victim's trophy drawer' drawer, to be buried under mounds of mummified clitori, assorted jewelry, and home-made snuff films?
I do! Well, not normally, but in this instance, I was willing (and you can't rape the willing). You see, Teen-Beat Magazine, my High School Newspaper...hell, even Serial Killers Bi-Monthly had been spouting this glorious thing known as the prostate orgasm, henceforth known as "The Platypussy". I didn't believe in Platypussies. The Platypi had never made his presence known to me. Platypotomus never answered letters. Platyteseseze could turn the moon into Swiss cheese, but couldn't give me one measly, prostate tickle. Ear Drum orgasms? Sure! Those were distributed in mass quantities, but I wanted something more - something with electro-shock-n-beads.
"If it even exists," my skeptical inner voice reminded me..."Kill them all!" it added - but by now I was no longer paying attention...
Those 10 minutes passed slowly...slower than a nun with a foot-thick chastity belt and a penchant for long movies like Titanic. I waited impatiently for my anal awakening.
And on a rainy Monday afternoon, it arrived. The mail man looked at me funny and handed me the rain-spattered brown box clearly marked "Bob's Anal Stimulation Toys For Phychotic Bastards Emporium". I took it into my room and tossed it onto my bed. I went downstairs and cooked my roommate Jeffrey's leftovers, arranged some matches, dissected my neighbor's cat, and went outside to fly my hand-made skin kite.
Ok, I ripped the box open upon arrival and promptly tested it out.
I laid on my bed and placed my feet high in the stirrups I generally for bleeding my victims.
Big exhale. A little bit of ear lobe stimulation to get in the mood. Ready. I switched the machine on and VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I turned it off...Goddamn that thing was LOUD! It sounded like a chain-saw alarm clock!
Fuck, all that engine vibration made me have to pee.
I diassembled the 'Terpentine Terror' with disgust usually reserved for insubordinate hostages and stored it in the corner of the room.
I couldn't believe I paid $50,000 to have my ear drums - the sole source of my eroticism - blown out.
After such a disappointment, one can only do one thing - count the paces from my house to my neighbor's window again...
Later that Evening....
"..and then I almost lost my hearing!" I screamed, as the chained victim winced in fear and the duct tape across her mouth collapsed and expanded on her mouth.
"And you know what I did then??? HUH??? (SLAP) You know wat I did then??? I bought a muffler. That's right a muffler. Thank platyposterior for Pep Boys, huh?"
She didn't seem to understand, so I left the closet in disgust, slamming the door behind me.
I leaned back against the sofa's cushions. It was normal to feel like you stuck an elephant tusk up your ass! This I kept telling myself as I began fondling my ear lope and thinking of the smell in the closet.
And so I continued to search for this intangible Platyporpoise. I tested with my fingers. I had diahrea and forgot to wipe, so I was pretty wet already. I grit my teeth and unrelentingly held the roaring, vibrating, tusk-sized, electric-powered, contraption with vacuum hose attachment in place.
You know the scene in "Care Bears: The Movie" where the Care Bears use their belly power to seduce and control those camp kids' minds, then they rape and strangle them one by one??? It was just like that!
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:57:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 17:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I will not get very far with this attitude.
Submitted by equaIizer (user info) at 2004-10-20 23:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I will not do anything bad ever again.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-18 21:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And now he can suck my prostate gland. Here's your website back Fetish.
Submitted by Fake_BargIed (user info) at 2004-10-17 13:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by equalizer (user info) at 2004-09-14 03:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Equalized.
Submitted by fake_bargled (user info) at 2004-09-07 19:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
50 things women can't do!
Submitted by heater (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fetish hating Heat. Fit last weeks shitty post model.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-22 14:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Screwyouall isn't me, doucherag...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wonder how it could have possibly fallen short...?????
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That was pretty good.
Somehow, it didn't quite turn me on as much as the original.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-22 05:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you're not going to do something right, it must not be worth it....am I not worth your time? C-mon! I KNOW you have more alters than this! Hit me with 'em! You are fucking pathetic and I am through with you!
If you were in front of me right now, I would KILL you! You are lucky there is such a thing as geography, and we are in different parts of it. Drunkeness has a way of making one not give a flying FUCK.
They all know we are the same person anyway, just stop it!!!
Turn yourself in!!!
Stop running!!!!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-22 05:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fetish....one day yu will learn to stop falling back on your alters 'screwyouall' and be you fucking self! Stop pretending. Be a man...or at least a half man, like we all know you are anyway. You make me sick you putrid piece of fucking refuse! I had rather spit on you than save your pathetic little soul from eternal damnation. I hope you die as you lived....alone and unwanted.
Submitted by Screwyouall (user info) at 2004-08-21 21:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
do something original bitch
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You are such a whiny bitch....SHUT.....UP! Go find some lawn furniture to hump, or stick your pecker to a frozen pole; I don't care, just leave me alone.
I am quite content to make fun of you from afar. I don't want you coming over like some tag-along asking me "what are you doing?" every 15 minutes.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Maybe you should declare a jihad on Ubersite? You could take requests on who to -2. Oh wait, you did do that.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You are like an old clown or robot who, being replaced by new clowns and robots, is crying out in a last ditch effort to get some attention before you fall back into the void from whence you came...AKA, your mother's ASS!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I shalt not yield to temptation!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Spam this too: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42355
And this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42220
Even this one could use some spam: http://www.ubersite.com/m/41862
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey ETS, spam this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42498
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck you AND your link! I'll never click on another one of 'em, you can count on that. They're fucking worthless anyway.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who was it that -2d all my posts? Yet you cry that I give you -2s. Fucking pussy.
Here's something else for you to spam: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42498
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 19:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
KoolMang must have the ghey! That would explain why he and Fetish are so close. Fuck Fetish, Koolmang, and anyone else like them. Let them rain their -2s upon me. They pretty much have since I got here.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 19:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey thanks prophet...I was thinking the same thing.
Thanks Ash...Mystia....This site doesn't like me much, but I keep coming back. I am a glutton for punishment.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-08-21 19:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wOOt!
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-21 19:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:19:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
Never mind, this isn't Fetish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:27:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Schlongy, where are you? One of your daily obligations is sitting here in the open, you loser!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And that right there is a perfect example of teh ghey. Try rating based on content instead of username.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-21 19:09:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no desire to incur further wrath from Fetish, but this right here was some funny shit. Funnier than watching a retard get kicked in the balls.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-21 18:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care who you are, that right there is funny shit.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 16:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just to clarify, I know that looks an awful lot like something very very funny, but it is, in fact the inside of an ass, so calm down!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 16:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-21 15:31:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, this is just disgusting.
---------------------------------
And hearing about your masterbatory habits is not??? .....wait, what am I saying???
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-21 15:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by dirty_gook (user info) at 2004-08-21 15:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Munkeypants told me that she'd give me 5 pieces of pez candy if I link my post to all the posts.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42478
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-21 15:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, this is just disgusting.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 15:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe I should learn to fucking type, huh?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 15:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nevermind
Submitted by ETS at 2004-08-21 14:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is wrong with this post that got me banned?
Submitted by ETS at 2004-08-21 14:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bart, what did I do??? Why hast thou forsaken me??? Please don't ban me again. I don't even know what I did wrong!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:03:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
eh, its too early for diarrhea
---
This comment ruled.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Platypus Go!
Submitted by dirty_gook (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I SHAT ALL OVER YOU ALL!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oopth
LOLOL
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And what things would that be Tom?
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're making things worse.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's really gonna blow your mind is when you find out I actually AM Fetish!
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Never mind, this isn't Fetish.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:03:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
eh, its too early for diarrhea
----------------------------------------
It's too early for me to learn how to spell diarrhea.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
eh, its too early for diarrhea
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-21 12:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamnit! I was all mad because I was going to have to give Fetish a +2 for this one. Then I noticed it wasn't Fetish, and everything got better.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe: I had to go for a cheap shot because I don't get payed till next week.
Submitted by FetishII (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is what I use for vengeance.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny. The +2 is for: ""Kill them all!" it added - but by now I was no longer paying attention... "
Just a note: It would have been funny without going for the cheap shot on someone else.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here are the posts that inspired this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42247 and http://www.ubersite.com/m/42415. Check 'em out if you haven't yet.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to go to hell for +2ing this.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, this is funny.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-21 11:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Schlongy, where are you? One of your daily obligations is sitting here in the open, you loser!