Brits Abroad: Welsh Fuckjobs, Oliver Reed and the Anus of Terror (2305 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPlanet
Rating: 1.82 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2004-08-21 18:15:42 EDT
There are some things, no matter how tacky, that everyone must do at least once. At least that's what I tell myself when I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It was a few years ago now, and yet I'm still haunted by the memory of my 18-30s holiday.
For anyone not familiar with the 18-30s concept, imagine a group of young adults flying off to foreign climes (read: cheap & nasty resort) with the express intention of drinking and fucking to absolute excess. It's the Oliver Reed of the holiday world. We don't talk about it in polite society. Hello Uber.
In my defence, it wasn't my idea. My friend Bec wanted a group of us to go away for her 21st birthday but we were all penniless students - our idea of a nutritious meal was a Mars bar and spraying a t-shirt with Febreeze twice a week constituted doing the laundry. Clearly, it needed to be somewhere cheap.
After nineteen too many tequilas, the idea of going on an 18-30s was born. We handed over our government-subsidised beer money to the nice lady at the travel agents and soon enough we were jetting off to sunny Spain in pursuit of cheap booze and General Mayhem. We didn't find him, but Colonel Chaos made several appearances.
The holiday guestlist extended to seven. We arrived in Lloret de Mar like the four horsemen of the apocalypse, only with three other deviant horsemen as well:
Bec - the birthday girl, and all-round good egg.
Sarah - Irish sociopath with lesbian tendancies
Debbie - the poison dwarf. Living proof that it's the small ones you have to watch.
Bazza - Debbie's boyfriend, and career racist. A man with a chest so hairy you could use him as a throw rug.
And then we come to the big two, the harbingers of holiday doom: Ryan and Karen.
Ryan and Karen grew up in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, South Wales. They'd been together since they were fourteen or so. Not because, god forbid, they actually liked each other, but because they were both such obnoxious cunts that nobody else would have them. It was a relationship entirely based on fear of change.
On his own, Ryan was a good laugh. Karen was a prize twat whichever way you looked at it. Add them together and you had a ticking timebomb of bigotry. On the first day of the holiday they insisted on finding a pub that was exactly like our welsh local, and they refused to go anywhere else for the duration.
"But Katherine," they'd say, "we can speak English here, and they serve egg and chips." They were the stereotypical brits abroad - wanting everything exactly like Britain, only with more sun and less rain.
It was on the second night of our stay that I realized that these two inbred welsh fuckjobs were more irritating than masturbating with sandpaper. We were kicking back in the pub, when Ryan got up to buy himself and Karen a drink. Note that he didn't offer to get anyone else one, and that he actually made his own girlfriend give him the money for hers.
The nanosecond Ryan returned from the bar, Karen thrust out her hand.
"You owe me twelve pence," she snapped. I laughed. It started out hearty and strong but gradually petered out into a series of anguished yelps as it dawned on me that she wasn't joking.
Ryan rummaged around in his pockets.
"I only have a five and a ten."
"That's ok," countered Karen, "I've got three pennies."
I watched this exchange of monies in absolute horror. Three fucking pence. What use is three pence to anyone? It'll buy you a big cup of Sweet Sod All.
It was only day two and I was already sketching plans to brutally murder them both in their sleep. But I was determined not to rock the boat, and so I fell back on my time-honored coping mechanism. A little something I'd learnt from Oscar Wilde: Alcohol, when consumed in sufficient quantities, tends to bring about all the effects of being absolutely fucking shitfaced.
Slowly, silently, eyeing each of my friends with a nervous suspicion, I got up and made my way to the bar.
"I'd like a jug of Sangria please. And a straw."
I worked my way through jug after jug and by ten o'clock I was tanked. In my head I was the life and soul of the party. In reality I was spilling my drink repeatedly on my lap and spending an inordinate amount of time on the floor, for which I loudly blamed "shoddy Spanish carpentry".
Imagine my surprise, then, when the rest of the group announced they were heading back to the hotel. The night was still in its infancy and yet these dry shites were ready to pack it all in and get some beauty sleep. And so I did the only thing a young female alcoholic can do in such a situation: I bid them farewell and set off on the mother of all solo pub crawls.
It was chaos. Absolute chaos. I won't recount my many and varied crimes against morality, mainly because I was so inebriated that my recollection of that evening is hazier the air in an opium den. I do, however, retain a painfully sharp picture of both losing my cashcard in a German techno foam party and getting double-teamed by two Spanish brothers in the store cupboard of a club. Yes, I know. I don't go out without adult supervision these days.
It was around 6am when I staggered back to the hotel, covered in a suit of rapidly disintegrating foam. I was the Stay-Puft marshmallow man in stilettos. And I was going to be violently sick.
I fell into the bathroom, and saw something that sobered me up pretty damn sharpish.
There was Sarah, crouching knickerless on the bathroom floor, with her skirt pulled up over her hips. One hand was stuck somewhere between her legs and in the other was a mirror, disturbingly spotted with blood. Well, I thought, this is awkward.
I asked her what the fuck was going on, but it came out in one of those Charlie Brown WAHWAH voices.
"I just wanted to have a look," she said, clearly distraught. "I hurt my arse going down the waterslide today and wanted to check it was ok....but..."
"WAHWAHWAHWAHWAH"
"What?" she snapped.
"I shaid, ohh my god are yoush okay?"
"I couldn't see properly so I pulled my bumcheeks apart and....and....oh jesus....."
She'd apparently tested the already tender and damaged flesh a little too much, and had been rewarded with the sight of her arsehole tearing open. I've never known a woman to rip open her own anus before, and it's not something I ever want to see again. Particularly after consuming enough alcohol to take down a buffalo.
As she crouched there, horrified, I tried to come up with some words of comfort, a practical suggestion, a shining verbal beacon of light in her hour of need.
No dice. Instead I made a "HURRRGGGGHHH!" sound and vomited on her foot.
User Reviews
Submitted by ETS (user info) at 2005-03-31 14:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blood curdling.
Submitted by bean (user info) at 2004-09-24 22:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eeeew.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-09-18 19:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you held back, which is scary
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-31 23:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sans comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-29 20:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"We don't talk about it in polite society. Hello Uber."
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-28 00:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, -2 for me! I just said "instead" twice! FUCK!!!
I don't think we have the verbal skillz to fuck, Filthy. You'd say: "Oh doG, don't spot" and I'd say, "Really, I am trying not to, really..."
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-28 00:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-24 15:53:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-24 15:45:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you mean "plagiarize" Filthy?
===
No, I meant plagurise. It's a type of low fat spread.
(Yes, I have been cringing internally since posting that. In my defense it was 7am and I'd just had the shit fucked out of me. Damn you, mind-numbing orgasm)
Can we just pretend I was being ironic? Yes? Good.
-------------------
How 'bout we pretend, instead, that it was me fucking the shit out of you instead and call it even, k?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excuse the linkwhore, but I wanted your feeback on this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42909
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-24 15:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-24 15:45:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you mean "plagiarize" Filthy?
===
No, I meant plagurise. It's a type of low fat spread.
(Yes, I have been cringing internally since posting that. In my defense it was 7am and I'd just had the shit fucked out of me. Damn you, mind-numbing orgasm)
Can we just pretend I was being ironic? Yes? Good.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-24 15:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-24 02:11:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by floorboards (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:09:07 (#)
Ranking: -2
YOUR A LYING CUNT, WHO COPIED THIS OUT OF FHM
FUCK YOU, YOU SMELLY SON OF A BITCH
EAT SHIT YOU LYING ASS HOLE
====
Ryan? Is that you? *snigger*
First of all, sweetcheeks, it's "you're" and "asshole". Second of all, do one. If I was going to plagurise, I think I'd have chosen something classier than FHM as my source material. Like 'Razzle' or Smash Hits'.
I have witnesses, and you, good sir, have all the grace and intelligence of an elephant's scrotum. Thank you and have a nice day.
--------------------------------------------------------
Did you mean "plagiarize" Filthy?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-24 14:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmm. Vagina!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-24 02:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by floorboards (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:09:07 (#)
Ranking: -2
YOUR A LYING CUNT, WHO COPIED THIS OUT OF FHM
FUCK YOU, YOU SMELLY SON OF A BITCH
EAT SHIT YOU LYING ASS HOLE
====
Ryan? Is that you? *snigger*
First of all, sweetcheeks, it's "you're" and "asshole". Second of all, do one. If I was going to plagurise, I think I'd have chosen something classier than FHM as my source material. Like 'Razzle' or Smash Hits'.
I have witnesses, and you, good sir, have all the grace and intelligence of an elephant's scrotum. Thank you and have a nice day.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I adore everything you write
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops. Can't forget the +2'age.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wouldn't it be great if floorboards was Filthy's stupid alter ego. I wish I had one, except I'd have to make it clever. And manly. Like Nadia from BB.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey floorboards. You don't have to ask permission. She'd fuck you up for free. Which is what you're used to back home with your sister. I mean your mum. Same thing.
Submitted by floorboards (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
PeopleAreStrange
fuck your mum you dirty bitch
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by floorboards (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:09:07 (#)
Ranking: -2
YOUR A LYING CUNT, WHO COPIED THIS OUT OF FHM
FUCK YOU, YOU SMELLY SON OF A BITCH
EAT SHIT YOU LYING ASS HOLE
You lie! It was Loaded.
Ah floorboards you make me giggle. Like when someone falls over and breaks their arm, kind of giggle. Like when it was someone called floorboards.
Submitted by floorboards (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOUR A LYING CUNT, WHO COPIED THIS OUT OF FHM
FUCK YOU, YOU SMELLY SON OF A BITCH
EAT SHIT YOU LYING ASS HOLE
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:17:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh, judging from the reviews, it seems as though everyone but Ash has been rendered speechless.
________________________________
My husband read this and laughed hysterically at the notion of me being speechless. Imagine that.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. I cried. I fucking cringed.
It was an experience.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-23 02:14:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've only just realised that I forgot to attach the picture. Bloody idiot. It was a classic - the Stay-Puft marshmallow man in stilettos.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-08-22 13:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Karmajane (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold, as usual...but now my arse hurts. Discriptions of other people tearing their anuses makes me squirm.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-08-22 00:12:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Filthy, please email me regarding UberMadness - Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com
=====
You should already have one - I emailed you yesterday. UberFilthy.at.yahoo.co.uk
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-22 05:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-08-22 01:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im eating a mars bar
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-22 01:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno.. i heard 'anal' so i joined this line.. what's going on here?
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-22 00:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant :P
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-08-22 00:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-08-22 00:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Filthy, please email me regarding UberMadness - Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-08-21 23:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have jetlag but I can still appreciate writing like this. A+
Submitted by dudette (user info) at 2004-08-21 22:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was eating.
EATING!!!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-21 21:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lightweight.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-21 21:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-21 21:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Yeah, I really didn't need to know about that.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-21 21:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.
This was hilarious!
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2004-08-21 21:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so hot for you right now.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you. I still want to have your babies.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
That was the funniest thing I've read all day! Perhaps all month! You fucking ROCK! You rock so hard, you're putting quarrys out of business! GOD, I wish I lived in Britain - I would so be fucking you right now. Either that or ignoring you, but not till after...
Linkwhore: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42463
Submitted by Tyler_Durden (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im from that lovely place you call South Wales...I see many of the Karen and Ryan type of couples round here. Very annoying and embarrassing...
Submitted by Ex_Lux_Astrum (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Arghh......sheep-shikers, the lot of you. (Has Oliver Reed died yet?)
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to linkwhore here, have a +2.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42498
Submitted by woody (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nah, just your uncanny ability to astonish us with fabulous storytelling. Enough asskissing from me, more spitroasts from you.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by woody (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:14:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
# Messages posted: 33
Average rating of all messages: 1.65
How do you do that voodooo that you do?
====
I have a crack team of highly trained chimps, working day and night to write my posts for me. Let's just keep that between you and me, okay?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh, judging from the reviews, it seems as though everyone but Ash has been rendered speechless.
Suddenly I'm glad I cut out the part about the spitroast.
Submitted by woody (user info) at 2004-08-21 20:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
# Messages posted: 33
Average rating of all messages: 1.65
How do you do that voodooo that you do?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-21 20:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jocko_Johnson (user info) at 2004-08-21 19:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-21 19:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-21 18:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
some days I fear you.
Submitted by tictactoe (user info) at 2004-08-21 18:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-21 18:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-21 18:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment