All I Need (1114 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.66 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-22 06:21:13 EDT
I knew it, from the first moment I saw you. You were by no means the best looking one there. But, god.. something about you just told me that you could give me everything I needed. And I was right. You've never given me any reason to regret it.
I know what people say about you. They say it right to my face, as if it won't hurt me. "Oh... not the best looking around, huh?" They think you should be cooler and brighter and more attention grabbing. I don't care what they think.
They don't understand. They're not there in those quiet moments, when it's just you and me. The warmth of you, the way you smell, the way I can get lost in you; they will never know these things.
You only ever let me down once. You came close to killing me. But it wasn't your fault, I know that. I should have seen the signs. I should have seen how unstable you were, how unresponsive. I'm a lot more careful now, my love. I don't want to push you like that again. I swear, I understand that it was my own fault.
Remember the night of Laura's birthday? You took us all on; all eight of us. You did it so easily, too, so effortlessly. Seven drunk, hyperactive women and me. You never showed a sign of flagging. We used you hard for hours and you took it like a champ. I was so proud of you that night.
On those long drives, you are with me. You murmur to me quietly. Your silence and your strength and your reliability are what make you so special, so wonderful. I devote myself to you, do everything I can for you, and you return my adoration with your steady presence.
When I touch you, and run my fingertips over you, I feel a delicious hot little thrill of possessive joy. I'd never felt that before you. I look at you, and I can gaze at you for hours, taking so much pleasure in the fact that you're mine.
It's the way you respond to my touch. It's the way you make me feel safe. You make me feel like I own the world. You give me everything I need from you. You make my life so much better, and easier, than it would be without you.
I love you. No matter your flaws, or what people say. I love you because you're mine. I love you because you're you.
My love.
My heart.
My everything.
My Clarabelle.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I knew this was fake because no woman could possibly like a guy who hasn't perfect looks with a fat wallet. The only difference between a woman and a prostitute is that the latter is honest.
_________________________
And there I have my answer.
Oh, and you get lost in your car? Is this due to the lifeforms you spoke of? Do they lead you astray?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-15 23:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If my car and your car had babies, we would have ugly minivan car babies.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-09-15 10:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is fucking awesome! How did I miss this? This must've been posted while I was on business or something. Gold like this should be reserved in a special spot on Uber.
Clarabelle is a nice looking van - white too! I like the way you hooked up the front bumper all crazy.
Submitted by Vu;;;;;llllll <@> at 2004-08-24 11:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Caulaincourt - You talk like an ugly guy!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-24 11:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please insert something witty to say here.
Minivan envy has clouded my mind.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I knew this was fake because no woman could possibly like a guy who hasn't perfect looks with a fat wallet. The only difference between a woman and a prostitute is that the latter is honest.
But I kinda liked the post.
Submitted by somethingorother (user info) at 2004-08-23 03:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally dark and freeform. I love it.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-23 02:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the perfect car for toting around baby twins in.
Plus it has a big backseat, wink wink.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-23 02:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
enjoyable read.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-23 02:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mike - Tease.
shandy - Yeah, I know. It's why it was so short; I didn't want people choking to death on their own vomit before they got to the end.
Everybody who offered to have sex with my car - Keep your filthy fucking hands off her.
Coyote - Nice try, perve. Clarabelle doesn't have airbags. I think. I'm not sure, really. I'm gonna go drive into a wall and find out. (Also, you don't need to be jealous. I'll alternately swear at you and caress you with disturbing adoration anytime you like.)
Submitted by Wish_I_Were (user info) at 2004-08-23 01:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She's so hideous!
But not nearly as bad as my friend's 1986 Toyota Tercel. And she so loves that car...it's sick.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-22 19:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done. For a moment I was hoping you were talking about me........
.......not.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-08-22 17:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
instant transformation from mild nausea to amusement
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-08-22 15:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
all you need is to shut the fuck up.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-22 15:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
heheheh
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-08-22 15:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And so my unrequited love for Circe continues...
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-22 13:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm. I drive a box truck. His name is Atreu. We have roller discos and 30 person orgies in the back. I love my ride, too.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-08-22 13:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd do you. Clarabelle can watch.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-08-22 13:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, this fits quite nicely into the whole huge car/sexual size inadequacy thingy, O bubbly one. A certain amiable bulldyke once assured me that she was indeed endowed, except that hers was 1/4 of an inch in lenght. Which of course begs the question of why there are women who choose to drive bobtail or tractor-trailers. No matter what the reason for her choice, I liked this piece. It was nicely written and the ambiguity wasn't overplayed.
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2004-08-22 12:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-22 12:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rather felt it was going to be an inanimate object from the start, but it seemed you were okay with the idea of it being predictable when you threw in the "took on all eight of us" part. My only criticism is that it would have been great to keep the element of uncertainty in the reader's mind.
That said, +2 for great writing (I swear it has nothing to do with wanting you to bear my children).
;c)
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-22 12:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why Americans buy so many SUV's.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-22 12:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love a good car-woman relationship.
On a side note, I would totally do Clarabelle.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-22 12:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, if you can't have a nine person orgy in the back of a car, it's just not worth it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-22 12:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn...If you love that piece of shit, you'd REALLY love my ride.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-22 10:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it. Now I can't do a love post about my car.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-22 09:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clarabelle is hot. That's one fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine tailpipe.
*cough*
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-08-22 08:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do her.... in the tailpipe.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-22 08:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it normal for a man to be jealous of a minivan?
And... love those airbags! (Clarabelle's, you pervert).
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
See, as usual I went off "half cocked". Many pardons. I should do a bit of research before assuming something like that.
The "quite a set" remark should still apply and be taken as a the compliment intended.
I did enjoy reading this.
Michelle
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's our special time together; a dark winter night, a bottle of vodka, Mozart's Requiem playing at top volume, feeling that sweet thud as we run down hitch-hikers and stray old people... good times."
That earned a +2. Cracked up.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
blujnbbyqn, there's also the fact that I'm female. It helps immeasurably when trying to avoid the whole 'well endowed or not?' debacle.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never wanted to be a minivan with a cow's name so bad in my life...
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was gonna point out how this post just another example of a man's rig being an extension of his penis and the bigger, faster or flashier the ride, the smaller, unreliable or incapable the prick.
Then I thought it over while looking at your van and I decided that if you can write like that AND post that picture you must not have a problem in that area. Well endowed or not, it took quite a set to post that picture.
Michelle
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:00:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Clarabelle looks like she would be perfect to run down drifters with
________________
How did you know? It's our special time together; a dark winter night, a bottle of vodka, Mozart's Requiem playing at top volume, feeling that sweet thud as we run down hitch-hikers and stray old people... good times.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice tailpipe.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-08-22 07:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clarabelle looks like she would be perfect to run down drifters with
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nicely written
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pakifier (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 1
very nice writing but i think you need glasses
______________
Of course it's an unattractive car. That's kinda the punchline.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pakifier (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
very nice writing but i think you need glasses
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sneaky.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this supposed to turn me on? 'Cause it did.
Good writing.
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
no offence or nothing, but that is one ugly bitch
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-08-22 06:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You got bugs man,big bugs,the size of my hand,the size of a peanut butter and banana sandwich.