Parenting in a Fallout Zone (1226 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.84 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-23 07:17:44 EDT
I remember my Dad telling me things. He was a font of information, my Dad. Whether it was advice on life ("Lynnie, don't ever touch a man's penis. Ever. He won't respect you") or why the fridge light came on when you opened the door (a little man lives inside and it's his job*), I could always turn to my Dad.
[*Our fridge was broken. To explain this, my Dad told us that the little man in OUR fridge liked to read. He would turn the light on when people shut the door, so he could read in peace. He found my sister and I in the kitchen at two in the morning, trying to open the door real, real fast so that we could catch the little man unawares. Next day, new fridge.]
He had all the answers. In any situation, he would be there, offering his endless wisdom. When I needed to know how the electronic doors at the supermarket opened, he could tell me. (There's a little man in the ceiling. It's his job.) When I asked how traffic lights worked, he knew. (Little men in a room underground, watching the cars with video cameras.) When I was fascinated by ships in bottles, he was there to explain it to me. (Guess. Go on, I bet you can't guess.)
I remember a New Years Eve when I was twelve. We were having a Happy Family Moment, standing on the bridge, wating for the fireworks to start. The bridge crossed an inlet - a SMALL inlet. My Dad said "Do you know they used to sail ships in here?"
Me, wide eyed and believing every damn word the psychotic freak ever said: "Really?"
"Yeah! If you look real close, you can see a mast where one of them sank. It was attacked by pirates."
I looked. God help me, I squinted. I stared. And finally, with my eyes watering: "Hey yeah! I can see it!"
"Yep. That's the Good Ship Gullible."
So. I am a mother now. And I naturally want to tell my son things. Apart from factual information (The ice cream van only plays music when it's run out of ice cream) I want to teach him about the world. I am always on the lookout for things that have some kind of hidden meaning, sent specifically to me by God, so that I may better teach my son (who gets this glazed look in his eyes every time I open my mouth, for some reason) about life.
Today I was driving along the freeway. My eye was caught and held by the masses of wildflowers that had sprung up. Gold and pink and orange, scattered amid the thousand shades of green. It was beautiful. I drove this freeway yesterday and never saw them then.
Here, then, was a message. Perhaps it was "Always look around you. There is beauty everywhere, if you pay attention." Yeah, that's good. I was distracted by very important thoughts yesterday (inflicting damage on the steering wheel while pretending to be a drummer in a rock band) and didn't see them.
Or, wait. Maybe they weren't there. It rained heavily last night. Maybe they sprung up after the rain. Is that possible? I know sweet fuck all about flowers. But I read somewhere that deserts bloom overnight after a rain. Or maybe that was in a Ren and Stimpy cartoon. And I think it was fungus. Or toejam.
Right. The message would be "Even the worst things (massive amounts of rain and my roof leaking into a saucepan and making this fucking infuriating 'tingsploosh' sound all night) have a purpose (pretty flowers and stuff)."
And then it hit me. I can only compare the force of this epiphany with some sort of deafening sound that engulfed and consumed me.
"When you're driving on the freeway at a hundred and twenty kilometres an hour, don't stare at the fucking flowers. Because the eighteen wheeler you almost hit has an airhorn that will not only scare you, it will damned near kill you."
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-15 23:07:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is there an Aussie alive who can drive?
Or are you just Asians without the eyes?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 22:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the most beautiful, eloquent, masterful piece of writing in the history of ubersite. We should cover it in gold and hang it in bart's basement. We should pray to it and call it allah. OOHHHHMMMMMMM. OOOHHHHHHHMMMMM.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-09-11 11:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To quote ... uhm ... someone else:
"Well, that was random."
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have I mentioned to you in the past that I really enjoy your writing? I even have your user info bookmarked in my "UberFavs" folder, along with only six others (Badlands being the newest addition). Just thought you should know I think you're awesome.
Also, my mom recently told me that she used to pay off the Ice Cream Man at the start of every season so that he wouldn't come down my street. Best $20 a year she ever spent, she said.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Lynnie, don't ever touch a man's penis. Ever. He won't respect you"
GODDAMN IT! did he tell you this in the bath??? why didn't he use the rubber ducky distraction method?? what terrible parenting skills!
i swear I will do better job than that brute in my new role as surrogate dad!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On the chance you didn't return to my post...wanted to make sure you read my response to your question, because your critiques are one of the few I actually value around here...
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Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:08:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:38:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to go ahead and give it what it deserves, on the assumption that you had another account ages ago, posted it, forgot about it, rediscovered Uber and, having edited the piece a little, decided to post it again, not realising that you already had.
That's an awful lot of assumptions. Please tell me I'm right, because I love your writing.
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Circe -- God, you're good!! Yes...I assure you...on my honor. It's definitely my writing. I wrote the original draft years ago. Posted it under my first user name when I joined the site...realized how trite and awful it really was...and forgot all about it.
Anyway...I happen to come across it again yesterday, and thought that with some editing...it might not actually be all that bad. And, Circe -- since you were one of about 3 people to actually read the first draft, I figured posting a revised version would never be discovered.
So that's the story. I'm amazed that you actually remembered reading that first piece of drivel.
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you and your writing. I think you are the wisest person to have ever put foot on this ground. you are the queen of wise. all bow down before the keeper of the keys of wisdom. the wise flows from you like honey from a hive. You are so great, Wisey McWiserton. If you were an American president you'd be George Wiseington. If you were a cartoon character you'd be Mickey Wise. If you were in the book Moby Dick, you'd be the Great Wise Whale. If you were a fuzzy woodland creature, you'd be a wiseal.
God that sucked. It's so much better with "lame" Like Lamebraham Lincoln. Or Lois Lame. Or a Lameur. I friggin' quit.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-24 13:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Will, I know. I never even realised when I posted, until some guy pointed it out in the reviews. So many words to avoid...
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-24 13:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, Fallout Zone is my cousin...how is he?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-24 13:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-24 10:36:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
So your dad thought his kids to lie about the truth and replace it with fantastic stories ?
______________
No, he 'taught' me that sex is wrong and there are little men running around everywhere.
What lies?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-24 11:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-23 13:03:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:31:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristen, I just googled 'pie baking' and couldn't find any references to strange sexual practices anywhere. Not even in the farm animal sections.
Is it possible you meant an actual, non sexual, non double-entendre laden pie?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, a REAL PIE.
If I wanted to spank a goat's ass while licking your body, I would just say that.
Um...I want to *see above*.
------------------------------------------
Well, Kristen, from where I'm standing, you just said that. Send me the link and your paypal info...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-24 11:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BTW, have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I do!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-24 11:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost got rearended by a dump truck in a construction zone this morning. I wasn't trying to look at flowers though, I was just trying to LIVE! I quickly swerved into the other lane and sped away as the truck came to a SCREECHING halt well into the spot I formerly occupied...Good thing I put that rearview mirror back on! Phew!
Nobody had to tell me lies as a child. My imagination did most of the work. As you can imagine, I was pretty confused and naive. I believed that when the seasons changed, there were people who were responsible for gathering up and releasing all the different animals associated with those seasons. My mom would say "be careful, snakes are out," or "let me check your hair, ticks are out," so I imagined these cages where the ticks and snakes and such were kept till their springtime release. I always wondered who did that job though. Noone ever saw him. He was a ghost. God, I wanted that job.
My high school councellor broke the news to me...there is no such job. Have you considered Tech Support?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-24 11:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As usual a real joy to read.
Descriptive and it made me think.
The next time I tell my daughter that chocolate milk comes from brown cows, I'll feel a twinge of guilt.
No I won't... but at least now I know I should.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-24 10:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dad and my dad should've met.
I wrote a post about one of his stories, Brotherhood 1 and 2. Ohhh semi linkwhore. Bad Ashley.
Very nice story. I truly enjoy your writing.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-24 10:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So your dad thought his kids to lie about the truth and replace it with fantastic stories ?
It doesn't piss you off that he tried to turn you into naive ignorants ?
My parents would beat me pretty hard if I lied and I'm thankful for that.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-08-24 06:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, v.good.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2004-08-24 01:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-08-24 00:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. I heart you.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:59:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
why did i read this title and think it was going to be about Will Zone?
____________________
I never even thought of that. There are, what... over eleven thousand people here. That's a lot of words to avoid using in titles. I'm just going to start using the alphabet. "Post A, Post B, Post C..."
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2004-08-23 13:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-23 13:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:31:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristen, I just googled 'pie baking' and couldn't find any references to strange sexual practices anywhere. Not even in the farm animal sections.
Is it possible you meant an actual, non sexual, non double-entendre laden pie?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, a REAL PIE.
If I wanted to spank a goat's ass while licking your body, I would just say that.
Um...I want to *see above*.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-23 12:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for lying to children. It's my raison d'etre.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why did i read this title and think it was going to be about Will Zone?
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Circe!!
Did you get my sms I sent you? I didn't crash and die a horrible fiery death, go me.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristen, I just googled 'pie baking' and couldn't find any references to strange sexual practices anywhere. Not even in the farm animal sections.
Is it possible you meant an actual, non sexual, non double-entendre laden pie?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, I want to bake you a pie.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-08-23 10:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yep. That's the Good Ship Gullible."
Nice. Very, very nice.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-08-23 09:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you a MILF? You sound like a MILF?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2004-08-23 09:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A nice little window into Circe's head.
It's a peepshow!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-23 09:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mike, is it the fact that I refer to my father as a psychotic freak, the fact that God talks to me through flowers, or the fact that my daydreams result in insurance claims?
And just to make the reviewing experience more enjoyable, from this point on you can pretend you've known me for five years and we have neighbourhood BBQ's on Sundays.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-23 09:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they don't teach you THAT in mom school!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-23 09:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I knew you better, after reading this I would probably say:
"That explains alot of things".
Very entertaining and funny Circe.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-23 09:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-23 08:42:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Always always ALWAYS awesome. I love reading your stuff, Circe.
But I am probably just trying to get in your pants...
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Who wouldn't want to see that?
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-23 08:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very cute.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-23 08:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The little man in my keyboard told the little man in my computer to give this a +2.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-23 08:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always always ALWAYS awesome. I love reading your stuff, Circe.
But I am probably just trying to get in your pants...
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-08-23 08:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one.
All aboard the Good Ship Gullible!!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-23 08:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The ice cream man only plays music when he's run out of ice cream." ha!
Thanks. Smiled the whole way...
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-08-23 08:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
a lovely little anecdote, although it didn't flow as well as some of your other writing. you could have incorporated how you took after your father and lied to your son more to draw the whole thing together, but overall, not a bad job.
Solid +1.
Espo
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-08-23 08:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-23 07:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Considering how well it worked on me, Coyote, I believe I'm just going to skip that discussion altogether.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-23 07:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sincerely hope you're passing on the ancient family wisdom of not touching penises to your son.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-08-23 07:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fetish...if you consider Circe a friend (or are you merely trying to get into her pants like you do any female that logs into the website?) then you need to learn from her.
SHE can write. You cannot.
When I read through your posts and rated them, it is very obvious that you only rate people by how they look (females you think you have a shot with) or who kisses your ass. If someone kisses your ass, they get a +2. If they don't, you will score accordingly.
The world doesn't revolve around you. Fetish, you are an arrogant prick who is full of himself. (Anyone don't believe me? Look at his posts. How many "I'd suck the piss out of" posts are there? How many "these are my stats here" or "here are your stats?" These are garbage. Well, the stats thing is interesting to those who want them done but you don't need to post them. (Have you ever heard of email, asshole?)
Circe, great story. I'm glad there are people like you on here to counter Fetish's rantings about his ratings and hit total. He's a bastard, even though he's your "pal". I, unlike Fetish, will not hold that against you.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2004-08-23 07:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice!
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-08-23 07:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kickass
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-23 07:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because Stabkill is a spammer.