The Art of Being an Asshole (Restaurant Etiquitte) (1490 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.7 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2004-08-23 15:35:49 EDT
Ok, people, don't try this at home. I suggest trying it in a restaurant instead, it makes more sense that way...
It was late, or early depending on whether you were on your way to your office job or like us and still up from the previous night of drinking.
"What can I get you to drink?"
"I'll have a shot of Jagermeister, please."
"We don't have Jagermeister, this is Denny's."
"Ok, can I get a shot of vodka then?"
"We don't have vodka either." she said as she smirked, obviously annoyed.
'Yea, she wants me,' I thought....nevermind the fact that she was like 65 years old.
After about 45 minutes our server brought us our food, and we made sure to give her general hell in the process. It was then I had a beautiful thought...it would be the greatest prank ever perpetrated on polite society, or at least at Denny's. I promtly extracted a gooey nugget of pure, 100% golden booger from my left nostril and wiped it on my plate.
(To say this booger was perfect in every way would have been an understatement. It had it all - yellow, green, black, and was constituted such that it smeared perfectly without losing any of its integrity or opaqueness. It even had a little red in it! I wanted to save it for later, but it would be sacrificed for a worthy cause, and besides, I could still enjoy it with my eggs!)
"Excuse me, ma'am, there is a BOOGER on my plate." I said matter-of-factly, pointing to the multi-cultural mass of unmistakable nasil juice next to my grits. A few of our neighboring patrons began looking our way in horrified curiousity...
"Oh, MY GOD, sir, I am sooo sooo sooorrry! Let me take that back for you." She was clearly rattled by what she had seen, and was struggling to figure out how to handle the situation...
"No, no, it's ok. It's MY booger, I just wanted to show it to you."
(I suspect those ten seconds must have been among the longest of her life, as she stood there transfixed on the booger, thinking about what I can only guess were the times in school when that nasty Eddie kid behind her would put spit wads and spiders in her pig tails, or the time on the playground when that Jeremiah kid put his hand down the back of his pants and smeared her face with it, or the time she got her period in class and blood ran down her legs to the floor and all the kids started laughing at her...whatever it was, it seemed that what I had done had touched some secret, repressed place in her psyche that was not meant to be touched, because she walked away and did not return to our table.)
We did not get very good service after that, but we did get our check pretty quickly, which is always good, and we got a younger, prettier waitress, which was also a plus. I think some of the other patrons tried to get free meals because apparently something had ruined their dining experience. (I know I could have played it out and gotten my own free meal too, but I was raised with a little more integrity than that.)
We even tipped $20 on a $40 tab, which should help out with the phychiatric bill.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-12-06 15:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good tip.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:57:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-10-23 12:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. Also, my mother is a waitress, so she would probably have punched you in the face.
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 07:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
Submitted by equaIizer (user info) at 2004-10-21 20:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I will not sell land in Florida.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-18 21:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's impolite to scream in restaurants for no reason too, apparently.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-17 12:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude...what in the fuck are you doing?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-10-17 12:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I was in the restaurant, I probably would have taken you outside and kicked your ass...but this is still kinda funny.
Submitted by equalizer (user info) at 2004-09-14 03:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Equalized.
Submitted by fake_bargled (user info) at 2004-09-07 19:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
polyamorousguyaj: If there were no punishments around, do you think we would all be good?
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-24 23:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS, that rocks out... with its cock out.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-08-24 23:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is just plain nasty. +1 for the post, but an extra +1 because you didn't rip them off. That's cool. Fraud sucks.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-24 15:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hummina (user info) at 2004-08-24 12:38:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for the post -1 cause I was eating. Dennys is famous for having slow service. Only Friendlys is slower.
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It didn't happen to be shit perchance did it?
Submitted by Hummina (user info) at 2004-08-24 12:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for the post -1 cause I was eating. Dennys is famous for having slow service. Only Friendlys is slower.
Submitted by heater (user info) at 2004-08-24 10:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sadistic Heat...I'm the Marqis de [Heat]!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-24 09:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Alithewonderllama (user info) at 2004-08-24 00:57:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
I've been in situations like this before, except i was in the waitress's shoes.
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...so you know how funny it was!
...and I don't know about her shoes, but I sure wanted in her pants!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-24 01:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is hilarious. when i go to Denny's, i like to confuse the server by asking for a slam that doesn't exist, like the "fiesta slam", or something like that.
Submitted by Alithewonderllama (user info) at 2004-08-24 00:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've been in situations like this before, except i was in the waitress's shoes.
Submitted by Random Jew at 2004-08-23 22:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, no, it's ok. It's MY booger, I just wanted to show it to you."
Oh. Oh, my. That's just wrong.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BTW, if you like this one, it is sort of a series. There are a couple more in my profile...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why, thank you folks, I am available for catering as well.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:56:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:19:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, no, it's ok. It's MY booger, I just wanted to show it to you."
From this point on, I could not stop laughing.
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You seem to be the only person so far that has gotten the punchline.
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I got the punchline!!! It was wonderful.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laugh out Loud!!!!1one
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yuck.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:06:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-23 17:53:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful!!!
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You talking about me or the post, Bubba? Cuse last time someone named Bubba called me beautiful I called my lawyer about that appeal.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think jizzing on the plate would be an equally funny experience.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:19:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, no, it's ok. It's MY booger, I just wanted to show it to you."
From this point on, I could not stop laughing.
--------------------------------
You seem to be the only person so far that has gotten the punchline.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, no, it's ok. It's MY booger, I just wanted to show it to you."
From this point on, I could not stop laughing.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-23 17:53:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful!!!
-------------------------
You talking about me or the post, Bubba? Cuse last time someone named Bubba called me beautiful I called my lawyer about that appeal.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-08-23 17:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*tries to quit laughing*
*fails*
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-23 17:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful!!!
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-23 17:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boogers.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha.
Submitted by pakifier (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great time to go to denny's
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:51:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
once i fake picked my nose and touched my cousin's bottom lip and told him i put a booger on it. he wiped at his lip w/ a grossed out face and then laughed for a second before gagging. he gagged a bit more then laughed again. and i couldn't tell him that there really wasn't a booger cuz i was in tears from laughing so hard. well after gagging he started to puke on the floor and i composed myself enough to say "bathroom" and he finished vomiting in the toilet. lol. true story.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Classic. Only thing that would have made that story better is if you had given him a wedgee while he was on the floor puking!
Submitted by SlowBrains (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on dude, Rock On
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is deranged, demented and disgusting....Good Job!!!!!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Yea, she wants me,' I thought....nevermind the fact that she was like 65 years old.
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for some reason this was hilarious
Submitted by lrw (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
once i fake picked my nose and touched my cousin's bottom lip and told him i put a booger on it. he wiped at his lip w/ a grossed out face and then laughed for a second before gagging. he gagged a bit more then laughed again. and i couldn't tell him that there really wasn't a booger cuz i was in tears from laughing so hard. well after gagging he started to puke on the floor and i composed myself enough to say "bathroom" and he finished vomiting in the toilet. lol. true story.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sicko
I love it!
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know there were like seven of us.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funniest thing i've read all minute.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
$40 tab?
At Denny's?
How many people were at your table?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-23 15:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nasty. Uncalled for. Unkind. Sad.
Funny as hell! +2 for the 50% gratuity.