I Derailed the Fat-Ass Express. (1118 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Domochevsky (View user info) at 2004-08-23 16:06:03 EDT
How many of you remember those terrible story-problems on the SAT?
"If fat person 'A' runs from one side of a parking lot at 4 fps (feet per second) to a target 100 meters away, while at the same time fat person 'B' runs from 3/4 the distance at 3 fps, what can the target do to avoid the collision?"
I didn't know the answer to the problem until last night.
Let me explain a little better.
For the last week my girlfriend and her sister have been arguing over "who's boyfriend can kick the other one's ass". I didn't even know about it until last night. It was brought to a head while my girlfriend and I were hanging out downtown when her sister, her boyfriend and one of his buddies showed up.
Enter the contestants...
Me: 5'6", 150 lbs. Not scrawny but not built either; in decent if not above-average shape. I have moderate martial arts experience.
Him: 6'2", 275 lbs. Fat as hell. Not fast, agile or strong. His only advantage is his size relative to mine. He was an affluent wrester in high school and the power-trip hung on a few extra years.
I was trying to stay out of it, as the battle began to rage between chubby, his girlfriend and mine. Apparently this had been an extensive topic of conversation before. It was explained to me on the spot.
"Just look at him. I can totally kick his ass." Lard-o boasted.
"Yeah you can." His equally overweight "wrestling buddy" added.
"I don't care what you think, Erik. I'm not getting involved in this. Let's grow up a bit, 'k?" I tried to ameliorate the bull-shit argument.
"You're just scared you'd lose, thigh-high!" They then snorted and cackled their over-worked lungs out.
There are some things I can take. Having my height made fun of in not one of them.
"Listen up you morbidly-obese assholes. I don't care how many sweaty men you pinned against the floor 3 years ago, you don't count for shit now! I'm not going to fight, so back the fuck of."
They stopped their howling cacophony of wheezes and snorts long enough to grasp the gravity of my remark.
"Yeah, well fuck you, man." Was his retort.
"Whatever. Let's go." I grabbed my girlfriend's hand and we walked off.
We didn't see them again while we were out.
Later than night she and I met at the movies. "Collateral", by the way, is much better than I thought it would be.
At 9:50 the movie let out. As I was walking to my car I noticed two looming figures in my periphery, one on each side. They began running a b-line at me. Slowly. It was Erik and his buddy, apparently enacting their vehement revenge and proving that two large men could in fact beat up a guy 1/4 their combined weight.
Remember that SAT question? Here are the answers:
A) Sprint to the car. - A pussy thing to do, and too far to get to quickly anyways. Even then they'd probably key me as I drove away.
B) Stand ground and try and fight. - Possible, but not likely. You can have all the training in the world, but unless you're an action star fighting off two people simultaneously is risky.
C) Pull a gun. - I don't have a firearm or a concealed-carry permit.
D) Move out of their way, counting on inertia to do the rest.
The correct answer is "D".
As they came closer and closer I just stood there.
I think they were doing their best "sprint" which was more like a medium jog. I waited patiently for their arrival, which took a good 25 seconds. Just when I could see them leaning forward in preparation to grab, I took one large step.
Their faces as they realized what was about to happen were priceless. Both 275 lbs. masses collided with a force greater or equal to a 1 megaton explosion. I swear there was a distinct slap as their bitch-tits hit.
It was like one of those old black-and-white films of a train crash. Both trains chugging along when all of the sudden disaster strikes.
"You sure kicked my ass, guys."
The wheezing mass on the ground grunted in anger, or maybe hunger. I don't know which.
My girlfriend's sister came running up, laughing her ass off. That's gotta hurt your pride. She explained how they had tailed us to the show and were going to lay in wait for me so they could "kick my bitch-ass".
I think this settled their argument, though.
I awoke this morning to see that they had egged my neighbor's car in retaliation. I snagged the note off the windshield before they got up and saw the mess.
"Fuck you, thigh-high! -Erik and Joe" It said.
I'm dealing with geniuses.
I took a Polaroid of me giving the finger and my car in the background.
I stopped by Erik's workplace on my way out of town, to leave a single smashed egg on his windshield with the picture under the wiper blade with the message,
"This is my car, dumb ass."
User Reviews
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-28 06:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+4 for the story.
-2 for reminding me of my looming SAT test. Goddamnit I _DO NOT_ want to do it.
Submitted by anatithenai (user info) at 2004-08-24 03:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly one of inertia's finest moments!
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-08-24 00:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
smooth
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-08-24 00:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed my ass off. Oh, shit, this was hilarious. The unexpected part about them egging your neighbors car was priceless. Probably among the top ten funniest stories I have ever read on Ubersite. Good job, there, thigh high. Just kidding, dude.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-08-24 00:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it! This disputes my fat man theory.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41923
Submitted by Kellio (user info) at 2004-08-24 00:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Booyah!!! Good way to handle a potentially dangerous situation. My hat goes off to you.
Submitted by Alithewonderllama (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. I need to be better at making shit up too.
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-08-23 18:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story! Your girlfriend's sister needs to get bitchslapped though.
LGF
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-23 17:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! Awesome. Hope they don't burn down your house or attack your parents while you're at college.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haw haw!
Submitted by cozmikgirl (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wish I could have seen the collision.
Submitted by lux78 (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
King of ownage, show em whos' boss.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat asses deserved it.
Submitted by dwr_budr (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sweet.
But next time run over their legs while they're flailing about on the ground trying to right themselves.
Submitted by Domochevsky (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jared_IRL (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:21:52 (#)
Ranking: -1
So your girlfriend is trying to get you to fight, You embarrass the guys, they retaliate by attempting to vandalize your car, and then you give em more cause, and a picture - so next time, they can get it right....
What were you thinking? First off, any girl who tries to set you up to fight, just for fun, is a whore, and secondly, why the fuck would you give anyone a picture of your fucking car when you know they just wanna fuck your shit up????
Heeelllllllooooo!?!?!??!!?
-----
This argument was never instigated by my girlfriend or I for that matter, it was always brought up to her in my absence by the fat-asses themselves, and hence she was not setting me up to fight.
Secondly, what part of "on my way out of town" didn't you get? I was visiting and left to get back to my college. They don't know where that is and even if they did I doubt they'd find me or my vehicle.
And you said "Heeelllllllooooo!?!?!??!!?", I can't take the opinion seriously of anyone who who uses that many letters and so much punctuation to sound like a So-Cal valley girl.
Submitted by Cam (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
told this one to my friends they laughed as hard as i did
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate it when guys who played a sport in high school think they are the shit, but instead they're bagging my groceries. See maddox for more on this subject.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gotta hate those kinda guys. i had a revenge moment like yours myself. feels good to screw over assholes.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
true quality
Submitted by Jared_IRL (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
So your girlfriend is trying to get you to fight, You embarrass the guys, they retaliate by attempting to vandalize your car, and then you give em more cause, and a picture - so next time, they can get it right....
What were you thinking? First off, any girl who tries to set you up to fight, just for fun, is a whore, and secondly, why the fuck would you give anyone a picture of your fucking car when you know they just wanna fuck your shit up????
Heeelllllllooooo!?!?!??!!?
+2 for being the bigger man and beating their fat asses at their own game....
-2 for being a fuckin dumb ass.
+1 for the picture of the train
-2 for having a whore of a girlfriend. I'd fight her first.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I swear there was a distinct slap as their bitch-tits hit."
--------------------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Damn fat-asses...
doo. Doo. DOO!
The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh my ass off. Awesome.
Submitted by dr. stevenson <dr. stevenson says fatty can't> at 2004-08-23 16:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly a kicker of all ass. Martial arts training at its best. You stood still, took one step, and BOOM! train wreck. I love it. I can just see hear the sound of the bitch-tits colliding, and see the writhing flab on the ground. And you expended like .5 calories maybe.
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2004-08-23 16:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding!!