It is dark. (706 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Naery (View user info) at 2004-08-23 17:58:38 EDT
It is dark. Janos waits in silence. The lights are out. His breath is inaudible. The creak of his leather gloves as he adjusts his grip on the oyabun knife in his hand is the only sound this killer of men makes. He feels no fear, no excitement, no concern. It is a job, like any other. It is no different than a dozen, a hundred, a thousand others he's already taken. For all of that, though, this one feels different. With that small corner of his mind he doesn't devote to the job, he contemplates this difference, wondering why now he has second thoughts. He wonders what about this job is unlike the others.
Maybe it's the fact that this one is political. All the others have been criminals. But this one... this time it's for the simple fact that a little boy saw something he shouldn't have. And now that little boy is all grown up and starting to make waves, trying to rock the boat, send some people overboard. Hell, maybe the kid even wants some retribution. No, not "kid," he rebukes himself. He tells himself that the "kid" is a child no longer, that the "kid" is a man grown, almost of an age with himself. He reminds himself that this "kid" is the reason he is here.
It seems ironic to Janos that their lives are so similar. When Janos was a child, he lost his father to a WWII War Crimes Tribunal. This kid lost his mother to a suicidal murderer. Janos' loss caused him to turn to a life of crime in an attempt to replace the father he lost with the things that father loved: murder, mayhem, torture. Janos was so good at those things that he quickly earned himself a reputation on the street as "the guy to go to" when some dirty deed needed doing. For Janos, it was instinctual, visceral, reflexive. He always knew just how hard to push, just where to pinch, just when to stop. As Janos grew older and more mature, so too did his crime, until eventually he made it his calling in life, his career. And so it was that Janos came here. On this job. In this city. In this predicament. Predicament, yes, for Janos now realized he didn't want to kill this youth that so reminded him of the way he was, or at least the way he could have been.
For while Janos' loss turned him into a criminal, this kid's loss turned him to a life of good deeds, love and faith. This kid was now known for his work in the inner city, trying to raise up the poor, giving faith and happiness to the destitute. Even as a young man, this kid had tried to better the world in which he lived, organizing clean-ups, arranging an elderly outreach program, coordinating a tutor and mentoring program with student teachers at the university and at-risk youth. Anyone who came in close contact with this boy could tell that he was driven to "do the right thing" no matter the cost to himself. It was this drive that caused him to start making the comments to the press that had driven Janos to find him, this drive that forced him to begin his own campaign, this drive that forced him to hint at what he had seen as a child.
<Thud> <Thud> Footsteps at the door. Janos realizes that it is time. The boy will be entering soon, and then it will be time to execute his perfect plan. It will look like a random robbery. Janos has already ransacked the house and taken anything of value, so when the police come to investigate, they will assume it was an arbitrary, meaningless robbery. But now Janos is not sure he can do it. He has never before felt this doubt that creeps into his mind. This doubt even spills over the edge of the mental compartment in which Janos houses thoughts not related to the job, spills over into his "job-mind." Janos' gloves creak again as he nervously tightens his grip on the oyabun. Janos' breath comes quicker as he hears keys in the lock. His eyes begin to dart as he hears the doorknob turning. The door begins to open. Janos knows he has maybe two seconds in which to make his decision. Does he continue on the job profile and make his money, or does he quit and go home? As the door opens the rest of the way, Janos makes up his mind.
User Reviews
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2004-08-24 08:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the way you build up tension
+1 for original character background
-1 for not ending this wonderful story!
Makes me wanna read your other posts.. which I'm gonna do now.
Good job, keep up the good work!
Kon
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-24 07:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is reminding me of several things at once, but at the same time I wouldn't call it "derivative" of them either. The name "Janos" is ringing a bell, but I can't figure out where that's coming from (Ghostbusters II?). And part of this almost feels like the prequel to the movie "the Professional" staring that french guy who drinks milk. (It is very early as I write this, and no coffee yet, sorry.) +2 for it kicking ass, whatever gibberish I write here, notwithstanding.
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-08-24 03:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks Fabish, for the advice, and the +2.
I know I have to cut back on the story length, but this one just seemed to need it's own...something. I think I'm going to start writing as though my audience had "the attention span of retarded lemmings in freefall" (something I got from Circe) and maybe people will like it more.
Here, here's my first attempt at reformed writing: "Dick, Fart, Bajiner"
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-08-24 03:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Couple odd flowing sentences where the structure was a bit askew, but rightly done for the most part. Just a thought and believe me, the opinions do flow freely here and often should be ignored, but try not to make too many parts to your stories, and if possible, I suggest you don't make multiple parts at all (in the future).
The reasoning for this is not only because it slowly depleats your fan-base, but also because 4-5 pages of writing is not too much to read in one post. Quality over quantity.
(+2 for the lack of hits this has received.)
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-08-24 02:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hummm...he's not going to just quit and go home is he?
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2004-08-24 02:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks SW, i agree, it's hard to compete with J-date. I mean, c'mon! It's J-Date!!
w00t
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-23 21:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing. This post is not getting nearly enough hits.
Then again, it's hard to compete with the J-date fever that has infected everyone today.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-08-23 20:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should be writing novels or something.
Submitted by Sofa_Queen (user info) at 2004-08-23 19:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like things where I have to figure out the ending. But here's a plus two fo good writing, and maybe it'll attract more people to your post.