On the nuances of purchasing fountain drinks... (kinda long) (1078 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.93 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by disAbled (View user info) at 2004-08-23 19:22:51 EDT
Perhaps one of the most distictively American obsessions is the fountain soft drink. Although there are many mixed opinions on the merit and decency of this beverage, millions of Americans purchase and consume said comestibles on a daily basis. Given that so much commerce revolves around this wonderful American preoccupation, it seems important that a few items regarding this mixture of economy and gluttony be highlighted and some reiterated.
Item A: Economy
The fountain pop is a marvel of economy. Combining the benefits of bulk purchasing and repackaging agreement, the masters of the soft drink industry have seen fit to provide their product at riduculous low prices in gut-wrenchingly massive quantities. Example:
At a conoco station near the nexus of several thuroughfares which I frequent, the following promotion is under way. Any of the fountain drinks served at this minimart are available in any size for a measly 69 cents. The largest quantity which may be purchased in a single container is 64 ounces. This cost, therefore, essentially reduces to 1 cent per 1 ounce. Furthermore, the station provides a great variety of popular sodas from Cocacola and Pepsi.
Some people enjoy the portability and preservability of soft drinks sold in resealable bottles. They believe that the benefits of the resealable overshadow the economy of the fountain drink. They could not be more wrong. The most economical form of bottled beverages available at the above service station is the 1 liter bottle. This bottle of pop sells for $1.49. There are just a little over 32 ounces of beverage in this bottle. The resulting reduced ratio is approximately 21 cents per ounce. Now, at a nearby Wallmart, this consumer could purchase two 32 ounce resealable plastic bottles for 1 dollar. If this person was to consume 3 of his favored 1 liter bottles of soda in one week, he would in one month spend $17.88 on soft drinks in one month. His friend, a wiser consumer that chose to buy his own resealable bottles and purchase the soda in bulk, would only spend $5.14 (including containers) for the same amount of liquid. A savings of $12.74 would result in a little more than $150 per year of reward for forsight and wisdom in your fountain pop purchases.
Item B: Availability
In the United States it is difficult to find a filling station that does not distribute soft drinks in the fountain form. Sometimes, however, one is dissapointed to find that his favorite beverage is not available at that particular station. The case is, in most situations, that either Pepsi or Coca-Cola has made an exclusive contract with the station. This difficulty may be avoided by frequenting only larger chains that can afford to negotiate contracts with both soft-drink moguls. One should also keep an eye out for stations that distribute Dr. Pepper and Seven-UP which are independant of the larger soft drink manufacturers.
Generally a town of more than 10,000 people will have a station large enough to have all the necessary options. If the town is small, there may be a truck stop nearby that, in order to appease road weary truck drivers, will carry an assortment of soda flavors. I often look for the following stations to find the best selection: Arco/AM PM, Shell/Sunmart, Chevron, Flying J, Circle K, and sometimes Exxon.
Large grocery stores will also carry fountain drinks. However, the options are often more limited and the cost is also more prohibitive. If you find yourself at a grocery store, your best bet for economy is often found in the resealable two-liter bottle.
Item C: Packaging
There are often many different options available for the packaging and transportation of beverages. The standard is the paper cup with a plastic top and siphon. Generally it is preferable to use the longer straws as frugal purchasers most commonly obtain the larger sizes of the fountain drink. It is always preferable to find a distributer which offers styrofoam cups. These cups do not degrade over time due to liquid absorption. They also insulate much better, and can keep a beverage cool for hours. Sweetheart lids are the most preferable brand, though any lid with a center siphon portal is acceptable. Avoid at all costs any lid with a coffee-style mouth hole. These lids are troublesome, loaded with too many unusalbe features, and, upon failing, could result in a disastrous spill.
Unless one frequents a particular service station, one should avoid purchasing the refillable hard plastic thermos cup. Though the design of these cups is exciting and sleek, one should not be mezmerized by their beauty. It is suprisingly easy to lose these cups, and they may only be refilled at their station of origin. Avoid being a package-hooked consumer, and stick with disposable containers.
Item D: Protocol
Protocol for preperation and consumption of the fountain beverage varies greatly from person to person. Certain rituals or orders of operaitions are held with almost religious significance by consumers of fountain pop. After years of experience and experimentations, I have developed the following formula for perperation of a fountain pop.
1. Styrofoam container only. Find out where they are. Avoid other stores at all costs.
2. Ice height should match exactly 1/3 height of container. This is only workable with a styrofoam cup. Other cups will allow too much melting, and your beverage will be watered down.
3. Mountain Dew only. More bang for your buck with great flavor. Stick with what you know. Sometimes something else tastes great, but you can never be sure. Also, most other high-caffine drinks do not match Dew for flavor and color.
4. Fill to within 1/8 inch of the lip. Do not pass a margin of 3/32 inches. This allows for displacement from convex shapings on the lid. Underfill, and you lose your economical edge.
5. Center staw hole lids only! If the lid buckles or wrinkles around the edge, dispose of it and get a new one. Cracked or crinkled lids can easily lead to a disasterous spill.
6. Two long straws. Two straws provides for a low friction high volume pull. Three is excessive. Furthermore, two straws allows liquid to pass over the tongue from both sides resulting in a more satisfying flavor distribution.
7. Do NOT depress the bubbles on the lid or mar the siphon portal. This can and eventualy will result in a terrible spill.
8. Consume in less than 1 half of 1 hour. This is self-explanatory
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I hope you have found this article educational and comical. For my part, I am fucking tired of writing about fountain pop, and I cannot for the life of me remember why I decided to write this.
User Reviews
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-08-24 17:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-08-24 15:34:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Correction: 32 ounces @ $1.49 = 4.66 cents/ounce.
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Whew...don't I feel fucking stupid. And I'm a Math B.S. The shame, I'm drowning in it!
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-08-24 15:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Correction: 32 ounces @ $1.49 = 4.66 cents/ounce.
Yes, Random Jew, Mountain Dew DOES have caffeine, right between the sodium citrate and sodium benzoate.
That, and the 46g of sugar in a 12 oz. can, makes Mountain Dew the absofuckinglute best soft drink money can buy.
I myself go for the bulk. But not the resealable containers. I iwait until 12-packs are on sale for $2.50 apiece, yielding 1.74 cents/ounce. I am willing to sacrifice my hard-earned cash for that.
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-24 11:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i agree with 1/3 ice. and it usually happens that whenever i order a soda from evil fast food chains, there is ice to the top or no ice at all. it usually takes me longer than 30 minutes to drink a whole soda though. i sometimes pour out the last 1/3 after the ice has melted.
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-08-24 10:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I'm a bit surprised at the good press. I was watching over my shoulder for the -2 train. By the way, laying flat between the tracks doesn't always work. Sometimes the heated controversy will sweep you up into the fray, and then, well, you're screwed.
Anyway, about the ice bit...If you use styrofoam cups and drink the beverage at a pretty fast rate (< .5 hours) you don't have to worry about the dilution. I like my drink to hover at about 33 degrees farenheit, and I don't feel that the economy is too damaged by the ice I use.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-24 10:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pbttbpbtpbt! That picture is just GOLDEN.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-24 09:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
forget the damn ice. ice sucks
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-08-24 02:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ice is the man's way of ripping you off, go no ice. Better to be warm for more volume and not have it dilluted at all
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2004-08-24 02:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-24 02:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great.
However, I always choose places with hard plastic cups instead of styrofoam. I have a tendency to jiggle my straw in and out, in an effort to sink ice, and when I have a styrofoam cup, I've been known to put holes in the bottom of 'em.
Mountain Dew rocks. So do you.
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:05:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I use two straws as chopsticks to eat popcorn at the cinema. I still feel special.
And WAY too much effort went into this post. Good job.
...
you really are special.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo.
Submitted by Random Jew at 2004-08-23 23:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is no caffeine in Mountain Dew.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:54:41 (#)
Ranking: 1
so i'm not the only person to use two straws...
i suddenly feel less special.
____________
I use two straws as chopsticks to eat popcorn at the cinema. I still feel special.
And WAY too much effort went into this post. Good job.
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
so i'm not the only person to use two straws...
i suddenly feel less special.