Fun with two-way radios and neighborhood idiots (541 hits)
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Submitted by Cypher (View user info) at 2004-08-23 22:37:41 EDT
Several months ago, I was scanning the two-way radio wavelengths when I actually came across something besides the neighbor kids using radios to assist them in hide-and-seek. There was a very interesting conversation going on on one of the channels. It took me a while to realize who they were, one was my neighbor, a girl my age whom we will, for now, call K. The other end was her boyfriend in town, whom I also know and will talk about later, A. I listen to their horribly unintelligent conversation for awhile (for some reason, the only thing I remember about it involves goats). I realize who it is, and figure I may as well have some sad, desperate fun while I'm at it. You know the irritating clicking noise that is made when someone presses the button down for half a second and releases it? Sadly, yes, that's all I came up with.
A and K talking about some brainwashing, worthless shit. I choose a moment when they are in the middle of something interesting [to them], and when both pause for a second -
Me: [Click]
K: What?
A: What?
K: WHAT?
A: Did you do that?
K: No.
A: You sure?
K: Yeah.
A: Maybe you did it by accident.
K: No, I didn't.
A: Maybe you had your finger near the button and you accidently pressed it.
K: No, I didn't have it anywhere near the button.
A: Well, alright.
K and A let the incident go and continue talking about how everyone in the world should own a goat and other such crap. Just when they think it's safe, and the whole thing was a mistake...
Me: [Click]
From here, repeat the whole conversation so far, nearly identical each time but with a few unimportant changes, about half a dozen times.
By this time, they are starting to suspect something. Someone might just be eavesdropping and having a rare moment of fun in their almost as nonexistant lives.
A: Who the fuck are you? Why are you listening to us? This is our conversation, I'm talking with my GIRLFRIEND, maybe you should get your own.
K: What?
A: Not you, I'm talking to this fat fuck who's fucking listening to us.
K: Ohhh.
A: C'mon, let's find another channel, maybe we can get some privacy... uh, go to the channel that's the third number in [so-and-so]'s phone number.
Both apparently leave. I let a few seconds of silence go by, to make sure they've located their new channel, and press the two-way miracle known as the scan button. I find them talking on some other channel in seconds. I let their conversation grow a little, since they think they're safe now. I then choose exactly the right moment and - Click.
A: WHAT THE FUCK?! GO THE FUCK AWAY! LEAVE US ALONE!
A few more frustrated seconds go by before they turn to another secret channel, which I locate and do the same. This happens quite a few times before I get insults on top of confrontation.
A: Geez, I wonder who this fucker is, can't believe anyone like this lives around us. He's probably, like, 40 years old and sits on the fucking toilet all day looking at Playboys. And when he stands up, he's probably so fat he hasn't even see his pecker in years.... etc, etc.
K: [After a minute of thinking] ...What if it's a girl?
A: If it's a girl, she probably has a dick.
K: Yeah. [Giggles]
A: Whoever it is, I bet you could probably beat him up, easy, no match.
K: Yeah, probably.
A: We should hunt him down... he would have to live within a couple miles of us, you know.
[They go to another channel after more occasional though well timed clicking, though by now they really should know they can't shake me off that way]
A: This is getting way too fucked up... my number's [insert some seven-digit number]... CALL ME.
She doesn't right away, because they keep talking.
[MInutes later, after more useless crap traveling through the airwaves]
K: So, do you think that old dude is going to call you?
A: Probably... but he should know by now that I'm taken, and besides, we could make him say where he lives and we can hunt. Him. Down.
They continue discussing this. I resume clicking at random intervals.
A: Whoever you are, I'm going to hunt you down, and I'm going to fucking kill you. If it's the last thing I do.
[Subject eventally changes, since they think that has actually scared me off] Again, I aggravate the couple by the now-familiar clicking sound.
A: [In forced tones] You know what? I don't care about you anymore... I'm just going to talk to my girlfriend, I don't care if you're listening anymore. I advise you to get a girlfriend and do the same, and leave us the fuck alone.
They obviously did ignore me too much longer, but because they both left about two minutes later.
In case you were wondering...
Me and Krista have known each other since we were born. Our mothers are best friends, as illustrated by our due dates being a week apart, and my brother and her sister being born two weeks apart. Our mothers used to take us out and dress us up and take pictures of us together in bonnets, and when we were older there are pictures of us wearing nearly identical dresses. To this day, we are best friends, are in a band, talk to each other all the time, etc.
I confessed this dirty deed to her at a friend's party a year or so ago, some time after she had broken up with Anthony. Her main reaction was shreiking, "IT WAS YOU!! I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS YOU!!", not angrily, but while laughing her head off. Come to think of it, it would have made perfect sense, huh? See, my house is halfway between theirs... ah, never mind. She, too, did not remember anything they talked about. I mentioned the goat thing, and she basically pleaded temporary insanity. I told her about Anthony's threats and how saying that if I was a girl, I'd have a pecker. We had a good, stupid laugh. She also used another great line, "You should have started talking! We would have liked to talk to you!"
I never did tell Anthony, which is sort of funny. He and my brother were friends long before this. They spent half their time together. They went cruising with us. He called my mom "Mom" even when talking to his own mom and called me "Sister" (he has three sisters of his own, and seven brothers). He lived here two weeks before leaving in July for a job in Detroit (in case you wanted to know, he is 17). During this time, I had to be careful where I set my ass since he would often sleep on the couch all day while my brother slept in his own room. They both burned cd's with the songs I downloaded and cruised the hick town we live in. He and my brother would chase each other down the hall with assorted weapons such as nine-irons and scissors, crashing into the bathroom door each time and eventually nearly bending the door off its hinges so you have to force it shut. And all that other stuff you no more want to hear about. Still, I never told him. One time, we used radios to call each other when cruising, our favorite thing to do at the time, and I kept clicking it in that reimniscent way. I got no more than a "stop it" from him. What a great job of tracking me down and killing me he did.
User Reviews
Submitted by hahah at 2004-08-24 00:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was hilarious
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nicely set up as i wasn't expecting that you knew them so well.
Submitted by Cypher (user info) at 2004-08-23 23:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just sort of put that in the title because I couldn't think of another word at the moment, which I know is pathetic, but you can definitely neither one of them are the brightest chandeliers at Menards.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-23 22:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Decently written. One question, though: You call your friends idiots in the title. Can we then assume your guilt by association?