Yet Another Message Brought to you by Swift Boat Veterans for Truth (1225 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.32 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Gent (View user info) at 2004-08-25 10:50:15 EDT
There are admirable men in the world. There are cowardly dogs in the world. I would call those cowardly dogs curs were not the definition so much more fittingly embodied by one phrase: Lieutenant John F. Kerry. There is so much about this name that brings me to the point of rage. His very title: Lieutenant. Has there ever been a military title so brimming with deceit? What exactly is a Lieutenant? I can tell you one thing that it is... a word that derives from the French. The French... do you believe it? Not exactly a nation known for their courage. But then again neither is Mr. Kerry, a dandy Frenchman if I've ever laid eyes on one.
But let me stop here and explain one thing. I know Senator Kerry. I admire Senator Kerry. I believe he is a good man. But let me tell you this: he is a sniveling, lecherous dog.
You want an example? Here's an example:
Mekong Delta, 1968. I was manning the guns atop the brig as "Lieutenant" Kerry sashayed along the deck. Have you ever seen a Navy man sashay? Not a pretty sight. Specifically when he, as our leader, essentially held my life and the lives of our Band of Brothers in his dainty hands. Anyway, there he was, prancing about, singing - and get this now - singing a verse from the HMS Pinafore. It went a little something like this:
We sail the ocean blue,
And our saucy ship's a beauty;
We're sober men and true,
And attentive to our duty.
When the balls whistle free
O'er the bright blue sea,
We stand to our guns all day;
When at anchor we ride
On the Portsmouth tide,
We have plenty of time to play.
But let me tell you this. Not 10 seconds after he got through that intolerable last line, the Cong's bullets were raining down on our boat. We have plenty of time to play, aye Lieutenant? Not when Charlie is ripping apart our boat like you ripping through a croissant. So what did you do then, Lieutenant, a song on your lips, a dance in your step? I, being a true soldier, managed to locate our assailant, who turned out to be a single, 12 year old boy firing at us with a vintage 6-shooter. Thankfully, I managed to deliver 34 rounds into that little gooks chest. End of story.
Except it doesn't really end there. Because as the smoke from my gun cleared, I saw you, Lieutenant Senator Kerry. I saw you there, lying on the floor of our boat, stinking from having soiled yourself in fear. Lying there crying softly to yourself, "Oh please, God. Don't let them take me. Let them kill all my men, but let me live so one day I can become President and make people believe I'm brave." Sniveling like the dog you are, praying your pathetic prayer to God. And get this - and this is when it really gets good - he wasn't even praying to God. He was praying to the Jewish equivalent to God. So there you have it. Lieutenant Kerry: a French Jew. Sounds a little strange, sort of like a Black Russian. Which reminds me, Lieutenant Kerry was also a raging alcoholic. And not like some of the other "Men" from the Kong... he was addicted to girly drinks, the kind that are served in the hollows of pineapples or coconuts and are decorated with umbrellas and sliced mangos. Give me a President that has never had a mango anywhere near his mouth.
But I should now reiterate that I truly respect and admire Senator Kerry. He is a fine man - a dainty Franco-Jewish dog, but a fine man.
Now let me tell you about someone else I know and admire. Goes by the name of Bush. George W. Bush, that is. Decorated military man. Strong leader. While Rabbi Kerry was swishing and prancing and pirouetting around the decks of our boat in the Mekong Delta, Mr. Bush was serving his country with TRUE valor in the TANG. For all of you not up with the military jargon, TANG means "Texas Air National Guard". BUSH. TANG. Kerry. Prancing. Seriously now, who do you want for your president?
Here's a little background, if you still can't decide. First let's get back into Kerry for a minute. Graduates from Yale, which, if you don't know, is an elitist Ivy League school from the Northeast. Let me tell you one thing. I've been to the Northeast of this fine country, toured around up there a little bit, and if I know one thing I know this: it's a breeding ground for pinko-liberal thought. So Kerry graduates from the top of his class, excelling in academics AND athletics. Seems like Kerry had plenty of time to hit the books and the athletic fields. Doesn't leave much time for the ladies, does it? Let me tell you something about Kerry that you may not have picked up on. I won't come right out and say it, but I will paint a little picture. Studying and exercising at college instead of chasing after the skirt like any blue-blooded American? Dancing and prancing aboard the brig while singing HMS Pinafore tunes? Doesn't really sound like a man in the John Wayne sense of the word, does it. Another thing the northeast breeds: "unconventional" unions. You do the math.
Anyway, Kerry graduates from the top of his class and decides he wants to serve his country in Vietnam. This was obviously a completely selfish act. How easy is this path: Go to Vietnam, lose a limb and become President. Am I the only one that sees through this act of cowardice? The man, having graduated from the top of his class at Yale, could have had ANY, SINGLE job he wanted, yet this coward decides to fight for his country.
Now let's look at someone else. BUSH from the TANG. No question about where his desires lie. Mr. Bush graduates from Yale. He didn't need to prove his smarts, he graduated somewhere in the middle. Because seriously, even at that young age, he knew the middle class was the backbone of this great nation. Anyway, he graduates a LEGACY from Yale, which, if you didn't know, is one of the finest institutions in this nation. Breeding ground for the fine thinkers of both our past and present. Bush goes to Yale, learns to read, and when he graduates he decides to take a little time to contemplate his purpose in life. So he valiantly enlists with the TANG. It is at this moment that the roads of Mr. Kerry and President Bush begin to diverge. While Kerry ships off to Vietnam, desirous only of bolstering his credentials for a future run for the Presidency, Bush decides that the safety of our nation was his first priority. Serving with occasional honor, he is eventually discharged. Fast forward 20 years, at which point Bush becomes serious and focuses on his career. And in a few years, BAM, he is the President of this nation.
Now, I don't know how many of you are familiar with the writings of Horatio Alger, but that is truly a rags to riches story if I've ever heard one. Bush, from meager beginnings, rises up to become the most powerful man in the universe.
Kerry's story reads more like a pamphlet on the elite. Top of his class, Vietnam, activist, grassroots politician, local representative, Senator, wannabe President. Very seldom have I encountered someone with a sense of entitlement as strong as Mr. Kerry's.
That's why I, a man that served in Vietnam with honor, am appealing to you here today. Do we really want a man that has conducted himself with such cowardice and disgrace over the years to assume the office of Presidency? I say no. But don't judge it on what happened 30 years ago, that's why I refuse to dwell on it. No, I put no stock in the past, because if I did, it would be no contest. Mr. Bush wins that battle one-thousand fold. But when you do step into that booth a few months from now ask yourself this single question: What man is best qualified to lead this country in a proud direction, and what man is nothing more than a cowardly, French, cur, Pollack son of a Jew? I think the answer is clear.
*The preceding message was NOT paid for or endorsed by President Bush. Although I am on his reelection team and I do know that his wife cooks a delicious Christmas ham.
User Reviews
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-11-02 21:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have a higher rating, but once again, Netprophet fucks up.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-02 15:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
thats good sat eee ray
+1 because i dotn' fu ck with po litics.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-02 14:59:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever and funny.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-02 14:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Are you serious?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-18 03:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-08-31 17:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THE CASE AGAINST GEORGE W. BUSH: PART II.
Power from the People
by Jonathan Chait
[Excerpt]
Last summer, President Bush and the Republican congressional leadership had a problem. The legislative linchpin of the president's reelection effort, a bill to add prescription-drug coverage to Medicare, lacked the votes in Congress, where conservative Republicans were chafing at the expense. GOP leaders finally secured a bare majority by consenting to the demands of 13 Republican House members, who agreed to vote yes if the cost would not exceed $400 billion over ten years. But that created another problem: The administration knew the bill would cost considerably more--$534 billion, to be exact.
The only non-loyalist who seems to have known the real number was Richard Foster, a 31-year veteran of the bureaucracy who was serving as chief actuary of the Department of Health and Human Services. The job of putting a lid on Foster fell to his boss, Thomas Scully, appointed by Bush to run Medicare. Scully instructed Foster not to reveal the number, or even to answer queries from Democrats, without his approval. Foster later said he understood Scully to be operating at the White House's direction. In one e-mail obtained by The Wall Street Journal, Foster asked Scully for permission to answer congressional queries that "strike me as straightforward requests for technical information." No, replied Scully's assistant, who then warned, "The consequences for insubordination are extremely severe." (Scully, by the way, later admitted to having negotiated a job with lobbying firms while he helped craft the bill, in which they had a massive interest.)
The Medicare bill was therefore widely understood to cost $400 billion when, at three o'clock in the morning on November 23, the House of Representatives assembled to vote on it. Surprisingly, a majority voted no. In response, the GOP leadership violated the customary time limit on votes, holding the vote open for nearly three hours and twisting enough arms to reverse the result shortly before dawn. (A hint as to their methods of persuasion came from retiring Republican Representative Nick Smith, who offhandedly revealed a few days later that certain "members and groups" had offered to contribute $100,000 to the congressional campaign of his son Brad, who was running for Smith's seat, if he voted yes.) When Democrats controlled Congress, they had extended a vote once, in 1987, for 15 minutes, after a member inadvertently caused a budget bill's defeat and then left town--provoking spasms of indignation from Republicans. The three-hour Medicare vote, congressional scholar Norman Ornstein of the American Enterprise Institute later wrote, was "the ugliest and most outrageous breach of standards in the modern history of the House."
To ensure that it received proper credit for the new law, the Bush administration employed similarly unconventional means, hiring a pharmaceutical lobbyist to help sell it to distrustful voters. The advertising campaign included $9.5 million in TV advertising--which, astoundingly enough, was financed not by Bush's campaign, but by taxpayer dollars. Promotion of the law also involved the production of "video news releases," in which a "reporter"--actually, a p.r. agent--touted the virtues of the new Medicare law. The General Accounting Office (GAO) later concluded that the videos amounted to an illegal use of government money to produce propaganda, but not before 40 TV stations had already aired them.
Here we have a sample of the style of governance that has prevailed under Bush's presidency. It's not the sort of thing you would find in a civics textbook. Bush and his allies have been described as partisan or bare-knuckled, but the problem is more fundamental than that. They have routinely violated norms of political conduct, smothered information necessary for informed public debate, and illegitimately exploited government power to perpetuate their rule. These habits are not just mean and nasty. They're undemocratic.
What does it mean to call the president "undemocratic"? It does not mean Bush is an aspiring dictator. Despite descending from a former president and telling confidants that God chose him to lead the country, he does not claim divine right of rule. He is not going to cancel the election or rig it with faulty ballots. (Well, almost certainly not.) But democracy can be a matter of degree. Russia and the United States are both democracies, but the United States is more democratic than Russia. The proper indictment of the Bush administration is, therefore, not that he's abandoning American democracy, but that he's weakening it. This administration is, in fact, the least democratic in the modern history of the presidency.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-08-28 15:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.pioneerdrama.com/catalog/hmspina_m.html
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WhiskeyJack:
Either you didn't read this whole thing, or you just completely missed the point.
Submitted by whiskeyjack (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
first Bush isn't at all a decorated military hero, he served in a champagne unit(pussy unit for rich kids who don't have to do anyhting; including having to go to war)
second Kerry's records are open to the public and show him as serving with honor and courage, also as to all these new adds with guys who served with him, why is it they have now 30 yrs later decide he was a coward and start trash talking him(cough bribery cough)
vote for Kerry, the lesser of two evils or the canidate thats slightly less shitty
Submitted by H-bomb (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's that giant sucking sound? Oh yeah, it's the sKerry campaign collapsing in on itself.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
oprah for prez?
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.grubbypawsproductions.com/k/believe.html
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gent, you kick a lot of ass.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
W00T! Hooray for being 17 and not caring AT ALL about this election because you can't vote anyways!!!
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NetProphet:
Thanks for the comments. But let me clarify a few things. First, by its very definition, political propoganda must make a political message. So for you to say that this is propoganda that somehow embraces no real political stance makes no sense. Unless I was simply makign an effort to satirize the very nature of political propoganda, which is really the truth.
Second: When reading something like this, it's important to know who the person is that has created it. I wrote this as if I was actually a member of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, which I am not. It was supposed to be convulted, just as the real arguements that they use are convoluted. They attack Kerry's past, which happens to be much more admirable than Bush's past. Yet the mystery of it is this: in many interviews, they claim to respect and admire Kerry before absolutely hammering him on his qualifications and integrity. For a great example of this, see Dole's comments from last Sunday.
I guess the point was to show that what we now call "news", really amounts to nothing more than speculation, hearsay, and outright misinformation. No matter how ridiculous and inaccurate the story may be, we eat it up because it is being reported by the media. So the real crux of all this is, know who is saying what, and what purpose it serves them by saying it. And filter out the morons that have something to gain for saying what they say.
Submitted by gibberish (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's satire, but piss poor satire. Still, better than most stuff, have a +/-0.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'teh funny'
Submitted by Jesus_Loves_TwEE (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-08-25 13:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am Mayor McCheese and I approve of this message
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-25 12:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Okay, this was rated well previously, so I read all the way through it instead of dismissing it as political activist bullshit.
At completion, not only does it read as political propaganda, but as confusing political propaganda that seems to endorse neither side. You obviously are trying to be satirical when you call Kerry's stint in Vietnam an act of cowardice, and yet you talk about him soiling himself at the beginning, and call him a "French, cur, Pollack son of a Jew".
On the other hand, you make no decent argument for or against Bush (and there are plenty on both sides that could be used).
None of this article made a decent amount of sense. While I don't give a fuck about politics, if you're going to write satire, you need to maintain a sense of clarity and consistency.
Rank this item:
I've seen better (-1)
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-25 12:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My name is George W. Bush and I approved this message. In fact, I think it is awesome.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-25 12:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Teehee.
But wasn't Bush in the Alabama Air National Guard?
I can't remember which state it was. The important thing is that he never showed up.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-08-25 12:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting a +1 from domenad in a piece of political satire is quite an accomplishment. I give it two thumbs up.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-08-25 12:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My name is George W. Bush and I approved this message.
Hahahahah. Go figure.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant! Hilarious! Brilliantly hilarious!
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was beautiful.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not everyone approves.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Political satire really ain't my bag. But this was well done.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Horatio Alger...
And the rest...
Submitted by IkesApt (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's about time somebody told all those tree hugging commies!
It's people like you who make our country proud.
Bush / Cheney 04.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sashay around ubersite with your eloquent speech.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I want to -2 this, but since satire is a different element than other types of commentary. You're also a better writer than 90% of the dumbasses that parade themselves as "satirists", such as Mark Morford or Ted Rall.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I not only endorse this message, but I think it's awesome.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as HELL
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If they are at all familiar with my previous posts, they should absolutely know that it is satire. But thanks.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Awesome" doesn't quite go far enough.
Super-awesome?
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
5 bucks says hoareds of people -2 this without reading it.
Damn good satire, my friend. Damn good.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-08-25 11:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
(i think you might need this +2)