Sorry, Wrong Stall (1852 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.95 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (View user info) at 2004-08-25 14:19:34 EDT
I played football in my high school days. No, not the low-scoring, feet-only, round ball football - as it is called by those who don't inhabit the continent of North America. In my junior year of school, I was in the middle of a heated yet friendly competition for the starting position of defensive lineman with a kid named Jim.
Jim was your typical jock. He pulled mediocre grades, religiously lifted weights, and thought that he was every female's dream come true. Mommy and Daddy just bought him a new pickup truck, which made him even more annoying.
I, on the other hand, was only on the team for shits, giggles, and the excuse of something football-related to bag class. I was constantly on the coaches' shit-list for reasons like the time that I slipped out of the locker room at halftime during the first game of the season to smoke. I knew that I wasn't going to get any football scholarships, but it was fun for me to take out my aggressions whaling on people I didn't know...nor much care to know.
This brings us up to a mid-season practice. The head coach was working with the defense, dogging the hell out of us because we blew dead monkeys in our last game.
After running us to the point where one kid passed out, and a couple of others were puking, the coach exclaims "Hit the showers!" and bolts for the locker room ahead of us like a cat shot in the ass.
As the defensive team filed into the locker room, I noticed that I had a minor cut in the palm of my hand. I took my pads and helmet off and went into the area of the locker room that had sinks and toilets to rinse out the cut.
As I was rinsing my hand, Jim pulled up to the sink next to me. He gave his hands a quick rinse off. Then he cupped his hands together and took a drink of tap water. He cupped his again, filled them with water, and decides to throw the water in my face.
"You're fucking dead!" I yelled, as he ran back into the changing area of the locker room with the rest of the team.
I proceeded to unroll about four feet of paper towel, roll it up in a ball, and soak the ball in the sink.
I then casually walked into the doorway of the changing area where Jim had his back to me, taking off his cleats, concealing the dripping wad in my throwing hand.
Roger Clemens himself couldn't have thrown a better pitch, as the soggy fastball hit Jim squarely in the back of his head. I dashed back into the toilet area into the farthest stall and locked myself in.
Jim didn't need to ask who threw the pulpy mess that was stuck all over the back of his head and splattered on his shoulders. He knew that I threw it, and he now wanted my head on a stick. He moved after me faster than he ever moved on the field.
In my stall, I began to feverishly unroll toilet paper with hopes that I'll have another projectile, soaked in toilet water, to hit him with when he came for me.
Jim stopped at the first stall, which was occupied - but not by me - and kicked the door in SWAT-team-style.
The next thing that I remember was the head coach, a man who won three state championships, a man feared by the student body, roared in his loudest, most pissed-off voice at Jim:
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!?!"
*slams stall door back shut*
"GET YOUR GODDAMNED EQUIPMENT BACK THE FUCK ON, AND GIVE ME TWENTY LAPS AROUND THE FOOTBALL FIELD! NOW! NOBODY LEAVES UNTIL YOU'RE FINISHED WITH THEM!"
Jim ran five miles that night with little bits of wet paper towel in his hair.
I started on defensive line the rest of the season.
User Reviews
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-01-31 17:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah! Take that Jim!
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-01-31 17:00:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good, but not quite hilarious.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-01-31 16:50:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by syztem (user info) at 2004-08-26 14:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-26 09:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
missed this one yesterday. Nice one Bob.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-26 07:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lordy lordy..
I had a teacher, sorry coach who'd watch us in the showers.. To make sure we'd cleaned ourselves properly!
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick
Ass
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
American Football is for pussies. Play rugby you faggs!
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-26 03:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stupidwhiteguy (user info) at 2004-08-25 23:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, hilarious, a job well done.
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-25 23:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It takes alot to get me to laugh out loud when i'm reading something, well done
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-25 20:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2s still going strong, and well deserved.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-25 20:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
...................2222222...........!!!!!!.
................222.......222.......!!!!!!!!!!
......+...................222.........!!!!!!!!.
......+.................222............!!!!!..
+++++++........222................!!...
......+...........222.......................
......+.........222.....................!!...
................2222222222..........!!...
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2004-08-25 19:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats fucking hilarious.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-25 19:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-08-25 19:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
During football season, our biggest offensive lineman would shower and then go strait to the stalls for a shit. He was fat, naked and wet. To top it off, he would sit there with the door open and wait for people to pass by the stall. As people would pass he would say, "Hey" just to get them to look...and puke in a nearby uninhabited stall. Ahh...football memories.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2004-08-25 19:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus friggin' too-hoo!
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2004-08-25 19:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm printing out this post and framing it cause' it's a masterpiece.
LGF
Submitted by Endo_Fire (user info) at 2004-08-25 18:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice post . . . i'd have paid money to be there . . . so it's worth a 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-25 18:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... Our bathroom stalls were never quite so... spirited.
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the story, and the fact that your bathroom stalls are actually stalagtites.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. My. Gosh. Hilarious.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
chocolate, peppermint, it's delicious!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA!
Awesome
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well told.
Submitted by DrPresident (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1000000
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hated the jocks in high school.
+4 for the projectile to the back of his head.
-2 cuz the projectile wasn't a discus.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
nice, aren't all football coaches crazy?
I thought he was going to catch him in ladies underwear or something...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This, in a nutshell is why it's important for kids to play team sports.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when people think they are all hard, and then they bash down the door to the wrong stall.
Brava!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent slice'o'life!
Submitted by EmptyRobot (user info) at 2004-08-25 14:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"dogging the hell out of us because we blew dead monkeys in our last game."
Priceless