Everything He's Not (1716 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Badlands (View user info) at 2004-08-25 15:20:07 EDT
He's followed her since the day she found him. She's a part of him. The best part. There's heart. There's soul. And when the two rise up to wed—above confusion, above hypocrisy, above petty insignificance—there is her.
Her spirit is maddening. She is silence. She is din. She is flesh and she is bone. She is perfect contradiction. Offering balance to an unbalanced man. And he can't bear the thought.
She speaks to his unrest. At night. When the visions arrive. When he's taken back to that house. When he kicks and screams and thrashes and fights through the sheets of her bed...she tends. She holds him close and soaks the sweat from his brow. And the madness. The madness he's learned to loathe, but embrace. It's quelled.
She answers the call of his thumping heart. And she understands. He never tells her. He never explains. There isn't a need. She just feels it. She sees it. A man who craves love. Who craves affection. Yet pushes it away because it's sickness. A disease in remission. But not forever. He anticipates the day it will burrow deep into the recesses of her person. And poison her too.
For now she is vaccine. She is cure. She is resolve. She is acceptance. She is patience in a world that demands immediacy, fosters carelessness and rewards cruelty. She is not what he knows.
She tempers his pain. She senses the dark that lies beneath his crooked smile and allows it to smolder. Slightly. Ever so slightly. She never asks that he cool the embers that lie deep within his skin. She sees the horns. She knows they pierce. Yet she never tames. She only demands that the beast lie at bay - a soldier on sentry. Be alert. Be aware. Be intense. Be a man.
He wants to be a man.
And though the devil rages, still she sees his light. She gazes into the lost sea of his sad brown eyes, seeking to rescue the child. The injured one that no one sees. The one that knew anguish that no child should bear.
It is during these times that she's blinded by the warm glow of a man who knows all too well what he is not, yet continues to strive for what he yearns to become. It's his battle to fight. She prays that his resolve won't falter. For her, it remains steeled.
Why she remains, he can't understand. She bears witness to his struggle. She worships at the altar of his fallacy. His potential feeds her desire.
"You are so flawed," she says, "yet so perfect. So corrupt, yet so pure. I know it. I do." Her faith leaves him breathless. It provides heat to an otherwise cool heart.
He is blessed. If only for the first time.
She speaks. It's a symphony. It's thought and opinion and truth and care. It's a voice. And she shares it. With him. He. A man who's done enough to deserve nothing. Yet she still wants to hear him. Anticipation. With bated breath, his response has meaning. Piercing scream or muffled whimper, it makes no difference. His feeling is her reward.
When she found him he said, "Don't touch me. I'm broken. I'm fog and illusion. You'll only see what I want you to see. And in the end you'll be left wanting. In the end you'll hate."
She smiled. That smile. The one that brought him to his knees. The one that almost changed him. She pushed against his push and it drew him near. And he took a breath. And held it.
He's holding it still.
He once was baptized. He doesn't remember. He's told it was sacred. He can't recall. Though present in body, his spirit hadn't experienced the significance. Yet, when she touches him...lithe fingers in motion. Like a smooth blade sliding 'neath the flap of a sealed letter, caressing the texture of his jet-black hair—he might know baptism. He might know rebirth. He might know faith.
With her, life takes shape. It feels real. It sounds right. It looks perfect. But it's not truth. He knows truth. And truth...is that he doesn't deserve her. He doesn't deserve anything. He was taught that lesson years ago. He's got the scars on his psyche to prove it.
In the end, she'll hurt. In the end, she'll break. In the end, her optimism will shatter. In the end, she'll be as empty as he is. He's sure of it. He'll see to it.
Because in the end, he can only be who he truly is.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you don't happen to have a brother/cousin/second you on the west coast at all, do you?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-03 10:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... It's like reading about me!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You so should post more often.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-29 16:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*ahh sigh** I am so in love with Badlands!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet, I'll make a shit-post about it sometime. Rochester is really far, it's almost like Canada!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-26 16:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-26 16:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gig - Right now I'm working as a Creative Direcotr for an Advertising Agencyin Rochester, NY...good old Ra-Cha-Cha...about 70 miles south of Buffalo. In any event, I'm about 5 hours away from NYC. I have a lot of old college buddies/former teammates who live in Manhattan/Westchester/Queens...and I actually make the trip down there to visit often.
What I'm saying is...I'm not exaclty down the road, but I'm always ready to party in the city. Let me know what you're planning and when. If I can make a weekend out of it, I'm definitely down for the trip.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-26 16:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on you and Tigerlily apparently getting engaged while I was away this week! What part of NY are you from? There's an Uberclan of good writers commencing within fifty miles of the New York metro area. I'm thinking of an Ubercon NYC in November at The Park in NYC or some other big venue.
Submitted by Endo_Fire (user info) at 2004-08-26 12:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this leaves me totally breathless.
channeling that much raw emotion into writing is just beautiful . . . there are no more words . . . +2
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-26 09:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Say the word, Tiger. You know I adore you, and only you.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-08-26 09:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So Badlands, when are we getting married????
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do so love having my faith in humanity justified.
And the first one wasn't drivel, at all.. it was damned good, which was why I remembered it. I actually preferred the end of that one to this. The only thing you did really, really wrong in the first one was the thing I already mentioned, and that was easy enough to fix.
And thanks for getting back to me on my post about this; it was really good of you.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:38:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to go ahead and give it what it deserves, on the assumption that you had another account ages ago, posted it, forgot about it, rediscovered Uber and, having edited the piece a little, decided to post it again, not realising that you already had.
That's an awful lot of assumptions. Please tell me I'm right, because I love your writing.
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Circe -- God, you're good!! Yes...I assure you...on my honor. It's definitely my writing. I wrote the original draft years ago. Posted it under my first user name when I joined the site...realized how trite and awful it really was...and forgot all about it.
Anyway...I happen to come across it again yesterday, and thought that with some editing...it might not actually be all that bad. And, Circe -- since you were one of about 3 people to actually read the first draft, I figured posting a revised version would never be discovered.
So that's the story. I'm amazed that you actually remembered reading that first piece of drivel.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Either way, it was nice.
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:26:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew I'd seen this somewhere.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34605
Is there a reason for that?
.....
whoa...go super sleuth, Circe!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to go ahead and give it what it deserves, on the assumption that you had another account ages ago, posted it, forgot about it, rediscovered Uber and, having edited the piece a little, decided to post it again, not realising that you already had.
That's an awful lot of assumptions. Please tell me I'm right, because I love your writing.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.. you DID write this... didn't you?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew I'd seen this somewhere.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34605
Is there a reason for that?
Submitted by krushul (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-08-25 20:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the few that I bookmark to come back to again and again.
Submitted by bubba69 (user info) at 2004-08-25 17:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
booooooooooooooooooooring
Submitted by l-ryd (user info) at 2004-08-25 17:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a wonderful piece, perhaps the best Ive read in my short time here
It descibes my relationship somewhat.
It was a visonary gem
And Im a better person for having read it
Your a fuckin genius!!!!!
Keep it up and get published
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-25 17:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Leave it to me to linkwhore to someone who has already reviewed that post. Sad and pathetic, that is.
Bravo, again!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-08-25 17:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah....
Just kidding. This was really beautiful.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aaah, I turned breifly to Ubersite this wonderful Wednesday afternoon whilst I'm on my business trip, and I choose a Badlands submission as my solace. Fortunately, I am satisfied with an excellent piece, well worthy of a +2.
I can't wait to get finished with this trip - I got some submitting to do!
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The words felt real.
Excellent.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this post. Very well done.
Of course, I liked this reply too. It's too bad he can't put this much effort into all of his posts....
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Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:14:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
He once tried to write. He couldn't. It sucked.
He should swallow 2 spoonfulls of drain cleaner and follow it up with a pitcher of tangy lemonade.
He really should. His pretentious, infantile-ponderous and boooooring diatribes makes me want to go to the dentist for some serious crown work and maybe a gratuitous root canal or two. Save the electrons! stop writing, please.
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Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beauty
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
love it. dark and deep.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
He once tried to write. He couldn't. It sucked.
He should swallow 2 spoonfulls of drain cleaner and follow it up with a pitcher of tangy lemonade.
He really should. His pretentious, infantile-ponderous and boooooring diatribes makes me want to go to the dentist for some serious crown work and maybe a gratuitous root canal or two. Save the electrons! stop writing, please.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is B@W material. Hell, this is Hemingway material.
For one of the best posts I've read on this site:
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................2222222222..........!!...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This really is excellent. I think you captured it perfectly.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, this is just wrenching.
It feels like a post of mine that is close to my heart called Lover's Cross. If you care to read something similar...
I am such a hitwhore lately. Must....stop....
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know you rarely post, but it's always quality when you do.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My serious side enjoyed this. My humor side spat upon my computer in contempt. Don't worry, he's just a little pissed that someone else is getting attention for a change.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like a hybrid of the Nine Inch Nails songs "Hurt" and "Sanctified."
And I am definitely NOT saying that is a bad thing. This was great. Really.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody hell. Amazing.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-08-25 15:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quite good