Back to School - A Tale of Revenge (1011 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vodka7tall <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-25 16:07:48 EDT
I have recently discovered that I hate kids. I don't just hate the snot-nosed little bastards, I despise them. I used to think I wanted one of these nose-picking, tantrum throwing, bed-wetting little brats of my own. Once the temporary insanity receded, I realized that Child Protective Services would probably frown upon my desire to beat it repeatedly with a blunt object, and if they were going to take all the fun out of parenting, then what would be the point?
I work in a small shop on a street that is zoned for commercial/industrial on one side, and residential on the other. It's a real shithole of a neighbourhood, complete with the added bonus of being located on the wrong side of the tracks. Every family who lives on this street could more or less be classified as upper class poor white trash. The only difference between them and regular poor white trash is that none of their houses have wheels on them.
The company I work for has about seven service vehicles. These vehicles pull in and out of our parking lot consistently throughout the day. The guys who drive them are careless pricks, so if you get in their way, you're pretty much roadkill. Add to that the plethora of delivery vehicles, and you have yourself a live-version game of Frogger.
Ever since school let out for the summer, our street has been littered with children. Stupid children. Children who are destined to become pavement patties. Before I came to detest the little buggers, I actually had a smidgeon of concern for these shitheads. Every day, they would ride their bikes in our parking lot, just waiting to wear the front grill of one of our service vans. And every day, I would go out into the lot and explain to them that they can't ride their bikes in our lot because they would most likely be hit by a truck.
Apparently the desire for a painful and mutilating death is quite strong in children aged six to ten. The little fuckers would come back again the next day. And the next. They were relentless in their quest to die. It became somewhat annoying, and any concern I once had for the little ankle biters quickly faded. Their parents apparently didn't care if they suddenly became asphalt stains, so why should I? I gave up warning them about their impending death, rendering them victorious in their mission. I'm pretty sure I even heard the little munchkins singing "ding, dong, the witch is dead" somewhere in the distance. I accepted my defeat, unaware that this small triumph would only leave them with a taste for blood, and eventually would result in a state of total neighbourhood anarachy.
Soon they started climbing into the ditch along the side of the road (this is one of the only streets in the city that still has a ditch instead of underground drainage). They would drag out the litter they would find therein and leave it on the grass in front of our building (which of course, was my responsibility to clean up). They would stand in front of our shop and throw rocks up on the roof, then climb the piping on the side of the building, get on the roof, and throw the same rocks back on the ground. I found it impossible to believe they had nothing better to do than throw rocks back and forth for hours on end. I mean, for chrissakes, haven't they heard of Nintendo?
Then they began to take their hyperactivity out on the newly planted tree in the front. They'd hang from the branches, feebly attempting to climb the poor thing, not thinking for a second that there was no way in hell it would ever be able to support their weight. Multiple branches were broken off, and my tolerance of the little freaks was wearing thin. The whole street was descending into madness, and I too could feel my sanity quietly slipping away into the shadows.
Soon I began to loathe them, and secretly wished that one or more of them would get maimed by a fast moving vehicle. I didn't necessarily want them to be hit hard enough to be killed, just hard enough to break their legs and stop them from any further bike riding, as well as ruin the rest of their summer. No such luck. Before I knew it, in a devious attempt to destroy the tiny amount of rationality I still possessed, they added playing cards to the wheels of their bikes, and began to repeatedly drive them directly into the front door of the building, over and over, like some sort of retarded crash test dummy. K-BANG! K-BANG! K-BANG!
I couldn't take it any more. The fury within me had grown to the point that I not only wished for their untimely demise, I began carefully plotting ways to kill them, or at the very least injure them severely.
My initial plan involved a delicately laid out arrangement of landmines, carefully hidden beneath a shroud of leaves. This strategy was quickly abandoned, as there would be no way to distinguish between pain in the ass little brats, and unwitting service vehicle drivers. Not to mention that the local Landmines-R-Us had recently gone out of business, and the military supply store refused to sell to the general public. Go figure. On to Plan B.
Plan B seemed at first, deceptively simple in nature. The sheer brilliance of this plot was that it would take something each and every child cherishes, and use it to bring them to an end - Wile E. Coyote style cartoon antics. I would contact the Acme company, and have them FedEx a single, shiny anvil. Two tons in weight, black, charged on the company account (this was, after all, company business). I would take said anvil to the roof of the building, and patiently wait for the opportune moment.
It would have been a brilliant plan, pure genius you might even say, had it not been for the fact that I'm incredibly lazy. Far too lazy to drag a two ton anvil to the roof of the building. There had to be another way, one that didn't require any heavy lifting.
Plan C was born.
I went to the storage room in the back of the shop and selected a nice, shiny length of copper pipe, half inch in diameter, two feet in length. From the cupboard I took a standard black garbage bag, and made my way to the front lawn. I casually started picking up the strewn about litter, just as I had done every other day of the week, concealing the pipe in my hand with the bag.
I waited.
Minutes later, the first little nose miner arrived. She wore a pretty pink helmet, which coordinated perfectly with her shiny new bike. She circled the parking lot, like shark stalking it's prey. The ribbons on her handle bars sparkled in the glaring sunlight. I smiled at her kindly, and went about my business cleaning up the litter.
K-BANG! She rammed the front wheel of her bike into the front door as usual. She turned towards me with an evil little smirk. I stood my ground, and smiled at her again. I had to be careful not to jump the gun, or my entire plan would be ruined.
She backed the bike up, and continued to circle the parking lot. K-BANG! She rammed the door again. She giggled wildly, like a mad hyena. I could tell the moment I was awaiting for was fast approaching. She was becoming careless in all her childhood fun, and very soon her defences would be down. She backed up again, and resumed her circle formation. It was time to unleash the fury.
With the accuracy of a laser guided missile, I pitched the copper pipe between the spokes of the front wheel of her shiny pink bicycle. A devilish grin spread across my face as the scene unfolded before my eyes. The look of sheer terror that swept over her face as her back wheel lifted off the ground and over her head was immeasurable. The airborne metal sent her sailing through the air, and crashing into the pavement with an audible WHACK as her pretty pink helmet bounced off of the asphalt. I laughed maniacally.
Tears flowed, and the little girl wailed like a ambulance siren. She picked her bruised little body up off the ground, knees and elbows scraped and bleeding. Tiny stones from the asphalt had embedded themselves in her wounds. A wave of sheer delight swept over me as she walked her bicycle home, crying the entire way. That'll teach her.
Minutes later, an enraged woman came storming down the block. I correctly assumed her to be the child's mother. Her jaw was clenched, as were both her fists.
"My daughter told me she flipped her bike in your parking lot!" she fumed.
I feigned concern. "Yes, I saw that," I said, putting my hand to my chest to signal to her the heart-felt nature of my distress. "The poor dear. One of the service men must have dropped that pipe in the lot. I wish I had noticed it there before her front tire got caught and overturned her. It's tragic, really. You know, I've been warning the neighbourhood children for weeks now that it's dangerous to ride their bikes in our lot. I hope she's okay."
She quickly and visibly calmed down, letting out a sigh of dismay, most likely at the stupidity of her child. "I'm sure she'll be fine. I guess it's her own fault, she should have listened to you the first time." With that, she turned, and walked back down the street. I returned inside before bursting out in laughter.
I bet those little fuckers can't wait to go back to school now.
User Reviews
Submitted by wazzawazzayo (user info) at 2004-08-31 15:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to sick it to the man!
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-08-27 18:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
simply awesome.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The +2 exchange has rolled into the station!
Submitted by Alithewonderllama (user info) at 2004-08-25 21:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe...nicely done.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2004-08-25 20:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like something id write.
Well, if I was good at writing.
You show those little fuckers!
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2004-08-25 19:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes!!! I hope this truly happened.
"just waiting to wear the front grill of one of our service vans"
We have kids that come by our building on bikes during the summer. We not only have 2 ton Fertilizer Spray rigs with 60" tires coming through our lot, but also hurried, half-blind farmers in their 1950 era beater farm trucks. We had to call the police to get the little fuckers to leave. A lawsuit would really suck.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-25 18:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Someday, when you're in a wheelchair, that little girl is going to be all grown-up and throw a pipe in your spokes.
Karma.
Submitted by dolfin (user info) at 2004-08-25 17:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know kids still put playing cards in their spokes.
Good revenge storys always entertain.
Submitted by HatMan (user info) at 2004-08-25 17:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rule.
Submitted by SlowBrains (user info) at 2004-08-25 17:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha...I laughed, then farted. Thanks!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-25 17:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was smile-tastic
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-25 17:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When can we get some camwhoring?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You suck. Just kidding.
Submitted by spinningaroundme (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a bad, bad person, I like it!
-Spinning
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a horrible person.
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, the olympic team desperately needs more javelin markswomen.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet, enjoyable, laughable, nice...
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"nose miner". hehehe.
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At first i wasnt sure what you were going to do with the pipe.
Submitted by Micheal Jackson at 2004-08-25 16:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And where do you work? I'm always looking for fresh meat ..err... I mean delightful children.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for any revenge story
+1 for making a little girl cry.
You, my friend, are a hero!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You might be the devil.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You bitch. I approve.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EVIL
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-25 16:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?!? I'M NOT READIN ALL THA..just kidding
you are going to hell...