Sully Vs. Wal-Mart (1439 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.18 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sully (View user info) at 2004-08-26 00:10:07 EDT
I'm already aware that Ubersite has had its fair share of Wal-Mart hate posts. There have been probably fifteen or so and some have been poorly written, and others were pretty good, i.e. BigMike's post. But none of those really ever influenced me or made me hate Wal-Mart any more than I already had. One more post about the store isn't gonna hurt.
The following is 100% true. There are some instances of situations that might seem too impossible or unrealistic but I promise you that it all really happened.
The date was Saturday, August 14th, 2004 at precisely 8:48pm. My friend Elisha wanted to stop at Wal-Mart because she needed some stuff and it was the closest store around. She wrote a list quickly and said she'd stay in the car because she was 'too tired.' I'm sure. I hadn't been in Wal-Mart since it had been newly redone and now had a grocery store in it, so I figured I'd go in just to see how horrible they had made it.
I arrived at the doors of the massive complex after a twenty minute walk from the parking space. This place was so big that it was on the property of three towns all at once. I took out the list and examined it.
Get this stuff:
L'Oreal Vive Shampoo
Caress body wash
Neutrogena Facewash
Kotex Lightdays pads
bag of cotton balls
box of Cheerios
Any flavor of Altoids
I could see from the list that this wasn't going to be an easy session of shopping. Seeing a pirate buy a bunch of feminine objects looks pretty ghey. And to top it off, I had to go inside the scab that festers my hatred known as Wal-Mart. I hate its commercials, I hate its scheme of low pricing, I hate that smiley face, I hate its employees, I hate how gigantic it is, I hate Wal-Mart.
Thinking to myself, "Don't get pissed off, don't get pissed off, don't get pissed off," I walked through the entranceway to hell. I was immediately greeted by a freak in a wheel chair, wearing that irritating blue vest with a smiley face sticker on it. She looked like she was about twelve years old except her light brown hair was balding and she had old lady glasses.
"Hello, welcome to Wal-Mart! How are you today!" moaned the freak.
Strike one.
I just smiled and walked past it. I threw a glance back and it was leering at me. I quickened my pace and took a left.
As I strolled, I looked at my surroundings. The ceiling was about 80 feet tall and covered with hundreds of florescent rectangular lights. There were aisles upon endless aisles in every direction all around me. This place was so huge that someone could live here and no one would find out for at least a few days.
Families of losers were scattered all over the place. There were tons of random ugly children running around laughing. One kid even ran into me, his face inches from my crotch. He backed away and said sorry. If he didn't apologize, I would've murdered him then and there in front of everyone.
I stopped by the food court area and grabbed the last bag of popcorn priced at just a dollar. Not bad, not bad. I took out clothes from an unattended-to shopping cart and put the popcorn in it. I started to move on, but I remembered how good Wal-Mart's blue raspberry slushes were. I left the carriage where it was and got in line. It took fifteen minutes to finally be waited on, only to find out that they had just used up the last of the blue raspberry. All that was left was Coke and Cherry-Coke flavors. I spit in the lady's face and left the food court. Anger-induced adrenaline filled my veins when I saw that my cart that I stole, was stolen back from me, and the last bag of popcorn was now forever lost. "DAMN YOU, WAL-MART!" I screamed with a fist to the skies.
Hoping to calm down, I decided to head over to the electronics area. It would be an hour walk so I decided to sprint there and it only took about 10 minutes. In my journey, eight employees, who I will now call waggots (wal-mart faggots) from now on, told me their names and asked if I needed help with finding anything. I flipped them all off every time and kept running. In Wal-Mart, you can't take five steps without a waggot asking if they can help you with anything.
I made it to the dvd section of electronics. I still hadn't bought Family Guy Season 3 so hopefully it'd be here. To my surprise, a ninja was at the other end of the aisle perusing dvd's.
"Oh shit!" I whispered and reached for my revolver. Unfortunately, I had left it in the car.
An 8-year-old failure was climbing on the shelves of dvds, for absolutely no reason, and knocking a few of them to the ground, making a commotion. The ninja turned to look the boy's way and he would've seen me but luckily a geezer waggot blocked his view.
"Hello, I am Kenneth. Do you need any help?" said the smelly idiot. I wouldn't say he smelled like a three-week-old carcass but he certainly smelled like a two weeker.
I stared at his oily wrinkled face and into his unenthusiastic, lifeless eyes. His eyes were demonic, not because he was a useless old man, but because he worked at Wal-Mart.
"Nah, I'm pretty sure that I can see the movies with my own vision, thanks. Why the hell are you in the electronics area anyway, you old fart. It's usually acne infested fucktards who didn't go to college around these parts. Some life you have here. "
A tear trickled down his face. I walked away though, so I didn't see him have a heart attack, but I heard it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the ninja's katana leave the aisle also. I went in the opposite direction he was going since I was weaponless and he would kick my ass if we had a confrontation.
I decided to quit wasting time and I went through the whole store and got all the items in the list. Forty-seven waggots asked me if I needed help with anything on the trek. I gave the finger forty-seven times and I elbowed someone in the jaw eleven times.
I got in line to pay for the stuff at 12:39am. There were families in front of me and behind me. The stupid kids were all giggling and asking their mothers if they could get candy bars and shit. One kid threw a temper tantrum and cried on the ground because he wasn't allowed to get peanut m&m's. I didn't want to kill the little kid, I wanted to kill his mom for bringing him up to be a spoiled retard.
I grabbed the can of altoids that I needed to get and also snagged a bag of peanut m&m's and waved them in front of the kid's face. He tried to snatch it from me, but I hit him with the bottle of shampoo I had. He started crying louder than before and his mother screamed at me and slapped me in the face. My pirate hat fell to the ground.
The entire Wal-Mart, all 400 square miles of it, went completely silent. And everyone leaned and stood on their toes to see what happened.
"Pick it up."
"You... you hit my son with..."
"I said pick it up."
She slowly leaned down and reached for my hat. I nailed her with the can of altoids and they spilled all over the ground. She was out cold. I picked up my hat and put it on. Everyone stared in awe. I heard one guy say "Dude, that pirate just hit a girl!" Then I said, "Nah her voice was kinda deep. She had a penis I think." Everyone nodded in acceptance and went back to their business. The kid stayed silent and just backed away.
At this point, I've had enough of this shithole. I took a new can of altoids and cut everyone to the front of the line. Each customer complained and I spit in each of their faces.
The total came to like forty dollars. I didn't complain about the expensive price. I had FG Season 3 under my shirt anyway so it was fair.
"Uh, you have to pay for that other can of Altoids too," said the cashier.
"No, I don't. That tranny is the one who opened them. Her head did anyway."
"Well, I gotta call this in then. Hold on," he said in a bored tone.
Five minutes later, he was still trying to get a hold of his manager. That had been the last straw. I was shaking with anger. The sounds of people chatting, babies crying, babies laughing, kids yelling, stuff being put in plastic bags, all of it, was all being reverberated into the tiny bones in my inner ear at once. I looked to my right to see a guy in a forest ranger suit holding a shotgun. He was standing next to some reject in a green and yellow striped shirt who was drinking what must've been the last blue slush.
"Hey, check this baby out. They said I could carry this around for intimidation and shit. It's fully loaded ain't that rad?" said the ranger to his reject buddy. He was obviously a nerd because 'rad' went out of style before dinosaurs.
"That's pretty cool," his friend said and picked his nose. He slurped the slush.
I looked back to see the guy at the register still trying to get his manager's attention over a 50 cent can of Altoids.
I lunged towards the ranger and his bitch...
To be continued
User Reviews
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-06 08:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-30 15:53:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sneakytikigirl (user info) at 2005-03-30 15:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
LOL!! Walmart sucks. You should have shot up the store.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-09-28 00:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
How is this positive? It's terrible.
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-09-28 00:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Read it again, it's still funny. Just noticed the kid is reaching for American History X, hahahaha
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-30 01:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My first B@W nomination comes from a guy who's never posted before. How shameful.
Submitted by ChrisMurray at 2004-08-29 20:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit i laughed my assoff
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-08-29 03:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wuzzaha! B@W!
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-29 01:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/43257
eat this. part 2.
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-29 01:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yar
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-29 01:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If anyone can tell me all 29 dvds on the rack you'll get five +2's from me on your next five posts.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-08-29 00:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2004-08-29 00:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and this isn't a 2 why?
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-29 00:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"You claim not to be fond of Maddox, but yet you write in a tone that is almost identical, if slightly inferior."
How do you figure? Half the rants on this site were probably derived in some way from reading maddox's site. Clearly you barely read this since Maddox has a distinctly headstrong know-it-all persona that I already mentioned before and all this post is, is a hate post of Wal-Mart. I'm sure you saw the picture and assumed "LOL WTF ANUTHR MADUX LOL OMG PIRAT!1!!" and read the first few paragraphs and decided I was another Maddox plagiarist. If you define my tone as being pessimistic and over-exaggerated, fine, but saying its identical or slightly inferior to Maddox you can say to just about any hate post. If I had a different user name or didn't have a picture where I was wearing a pirate hat than your claim would've never happened and neither would the guy's before you.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2004-08-28 01:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i noticed but i didnt comment cause i figured you didnt do it on purpose
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-28 01:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jazzdude (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:55:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hmmm someone's been reading too much maddox perhaps?
----------------------
You claim not to be fond of Maddox, but yet you write in a tone that is almost identical, if slightly inferior.
Submitted by ginger (user info) at 2004-08-27 03:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-27 01:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was waiting for someone to notice that 8-year-old failure was a neo-nazi because he was reaching for American History X but that'll never happen.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-27 01:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA, I just noticed everyone has 4 fingers per hand.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-27 01:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Next time log in you wanker.
Submitted by pmoney <tanner_nathan_69.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-08-27 00:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Mother of God I thought I was going to shit and pis myself at the same time as I read this.
Great Stuff
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-27 00:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And for that Fleadh guy, who's to say that the pads part isn't part of the 15% fiction of this story?
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-27 00:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:13:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
no doubt that ninja wouldve kicked your ass, your'e the most homosexual looking pirate who ever sailed the seven seas.
Normally im a pirate man but today im making an exception, your'e a disgrace.
First of all, learn how to use punctuation. Second, that is a MS Paint picture. You're a disgrace if you didn't know that that's not exactly how I look.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-27 00:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jazzdude (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:55:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hmmm someone's been reading too much maddox perhaps?
The amount of people who praise his work and aspire to be like him astounds me. His charade of being a know-it-all ego maniac is old and overdone. I haven't read his site for a few months so to answer your question: That someone isn't me, jazzfag.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2004-08-26 10:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-26 09:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2004-08-26 07:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a +2 cos I really enjoyed the read but, seriously man, do you really buy your ladys jam-rags for her? Have some respect for yourself and say NO to tampon buying M'kay?
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no doubt that ninja wouldve kicked your ass, your'e the most homosexual looking pirate who ever sailed the seven seas.
Normally im a pirate man but today im making an exception, your'e a disgrace.
Submitted by jazzdude (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hmmm someone's been reading too much maddox perhaps?
Submitted by Jigga_poo (user info) at 2004-08-26 04:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shut tuteffuck up
Submitted by replicate (user info) at 2004-08-26 04:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at "waggots."
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2004-08-26 04:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The pic is good. The old guy looking at the punk...ah..I mean you. The expressions are perfect.
Submitted by Jigga_poo (user info) at 2004-08-26 04:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im not reading all that u asshole but that picture was gay 2
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2004-08-26 04:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was really cool.
looking forward to the sequel!!
the image was pretty cool looking
youre an asshole and if i saw you in a walmart id hate you more than everyone else in there(im a hypocrite though)
but as an uber-poster i love you and this story.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-26 03:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For the record, that picture owns all all levels. You have to notice the important things like Conan O'Brien's tenth anniversary DVD under 8-year-old failure's left shoe. Kristen is the only one who understands its brilliance.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-26 01:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It had good parts.
The paint drawing kills it though.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-26 01:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I thought it was good. Who am I, though?
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How is this in any way comparable to Habeeb's stuff
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How can a WalMart story be this long and still not be finished?
Also, I'd like it if you didn't make crappy drawings to ruin your decent writing style.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you trying to become a habeeb? Because I know that aint gonna happen.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll admit that it's not 100% true but it's definitely at least 85%.