Beans of Damnation (991 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: NonFiction
Rating: 2 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by J Baker <Superjack11058.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-26 03:03:42 EDT
I have found the missing weapons of mass destruction. Saddam sold them to Jelly Belly. Yes, the candy company. The corporate sweet-treat-making spawn of Beelzebub.
I was excited, nay thrilled at my discovery today. "You see, I have what doctors call a 'little bit of a weight problem'" and I've been trying to lose 20 pounds or so to keep the Army happy. I've been doing that low-carb diet, and it's working great. But I've missed my sweets...
Imagine my sheer delight when I spied a bag of Jelly Belly sugar-free "low carb" jelly beans on my way back from lunch today. One of my favorite treats, de-carbed especially for my enjoyment! Pig that I am, I ate the whole bag as soon as I got back to the office. I barely took time to take the beans out of the bag before shoveling them into my drooling, gaping maw.
About 20 minutes later there I am, happily typing away at the latest inane Army version of a TPS report. I felt a rumble. It wasn't a passing jet. It wasn't a thunderstorm, or a nuclear attack from the belligerent Northies and their lovable leader Kim Jong-Il. It came from close. I looked down in trepidation. Another chair-shaking rumble, followed by an ominous squeak. It was my insides! I barely made it down the hall to the bathroom in time.
I won't bore you with the scatological details, but it felt like Lucifer himself had crawled into my intestines, waved his Pitchfork of Fecal Urgency, instantly liquefied everything north of the sphincter, and then ordered said created hell-froth to EVACUATE.
45 minutes later, I reeled dazedly back to my desk, stumbling because my left leg had gone numb. I was pale and sweating like I was suffering from tuberculosis. I sipped at some water with trembling lips and wondered what I had done to so offend the Almighty.
Then I saw the crumpled and devastated Jelly Belly bag, and the cause of my anal affliction was revealed. On the back of the bag was the following warning, which I've also cut and pasted from the official website:
WARNING: Consumption may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect. Individual tolerance will vary; we suggest starting with 8 beans or less.
That's right, eight beans. Guess how many in a bag? Over 70—all of which I had eaten, of course. Son of a bitch.
I say we turn these WMD beans back on the bastards who sent them to Jelly Belly in the first place. Send flights of C-130's streaming over the harsh desert landscape and dusty cities, dumping trillions of sugar free jelly beans, or Hell Pills as I call them, on the unsuspecting populace. It's a beautiful plan. While everyone in the country is running around with both hands on their backside trying to keep their asses closed, we go in and disarm the insurgents. Best of all, no innocents will be permanently hurt. Just some chafed rectums, and who over there hasn't had that at least once.
Jelly Belly Graphic.doc (54 kB) [application/msword]
User Reviews
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
his Pitchfork of Fecal Urgency
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HAHAHAHAHA Dude my coworkers are staring at me because I'm laughing like a retard right now.
Plus fucking two!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-01-25 11:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hell-froth"
Laughing my ass off over here!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What were you doing at the time?
Ghosting as the AOD?
Serves you right!
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2004-11-11 10:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well.....i think "haha" oughta sum this up....
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-21 12:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pitchfork of fecal urgency.. LMAO that's brilliant.. lol
Submitted by phredde2 (user info) at 2004-10-21 12:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bio-warfare
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-10-20 08:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poop post + good imagery = +2, always
and Pitchfork of Fecal Urgency is fantastic
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2004-10-20 08:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
here is the rating i owe you,
pete
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-09-01 17:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes. Yes I did...
Submitted by omnifica (user info) at 2004-09-01 17:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so tell the truth- you got another bag today, didn't you
Submitted by bakerlover <daliladiva.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-08-26 09:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
looking forward to the next installment of "Today in J Baker's bowels"!
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who eats just 8 jelly beans?
Submitted by replicate (user info) at 2004-08-26 03:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who doesn't enjoy a good story about someone taking a poop once in awhile?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-26 03:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The sugar alcohols got you.
+2 for your sore butthole.