Retrospect (779 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.56 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Vanilla (View user info) at 2004-08-26 04:27:02 EDT
Trying to kill some time, I'm here at Uber reading some posts. One in particular caught my attention and brought out something I haven't felt in a while. That realisation that everything is not okay. No matter how different the situation is now.
I would have liked to find better words to explain it, but I can't. Or maybe I just can't be bothered so I flicked back through something I wrote in the heat of the moment a little while ago.
For most, it won't be important, and that's fine. It was important to me then so I saved it and forgot about it. Having just re read it, it's made me realise how far I've come out of the shit I thought was the end of me. But now it's brought me to a new extreme, which probably isn't bad.
Anyway, I can't seem to put a decent sentence together tonight, so here goes...
23 June 2004
I'm sitting here, trying to help my friend. My heart goes out to her and the guilt I feel for not being there for her is flooding me again. She's hurting so much, and there's so little I can do to help. Her problems aren't mine to sort, I have to just listen and be there. But you know... I hurt too.
Every time I try and help her, I can feel that dull aching deep in me. When I was younger, it used to be in my stomach. Over the years, that ache has moved into the deepest pit of my heart, and I can feel it breaking every time things start to slip through my fingers.
It moved into my heart after he moved out. Maybe he left it there. Because I've never felt that kind of love, or pain. Every time I feel that it's getting easier, it hits me like a brick wall, and I'm a mess all over again, crying in my sleep and waking up wishing I hadn't.
Whoever said time heals lied Time can only do so much, and I think it's done all it can for me. I thought I could just get away from it all. And it felt like I did, for a while. I hit a turning point after he left, I was actually happy on my own... Then he came back. And I ran back to him as if nothing has happened. God, I'm so stupid.
I refuse to cry any more for him. I refuse to cry anymore for the hurt I still feel. But that promise is always broken when I really feel the emptiness that he's left. I never thought I'd be lonely. But when everything went wrong, I had no one. Someone I cared about died, someone I didn't appreciate as much as I could have.
And someone I loved was throwing it back in my face. I had nothing... I had no one. I never cried more in my entire life. And there was no one to talk to.
Haha... my god, the irony of this situation. I told my friend that things will be okay, they can't stay bad forever. It feels like forever. I can't take my own advice. And now she's trying to bring him up in the subject. Doing a great job dodging it, but I can feel the anxiety building up. My hands have started to shake... pretty soon I may even shed a tear. But not if I can help it...which I can't... most of the time. I have one of those faces that display every shred of emotion. From the defensive, strong, green-eyed stare comes the breaking point of all emotion. Where all hell breaks through in a torrent of silent tears.
I didn't ask to feel like this... on the contrary, I pleaded with God, I begged myself to stop. I didn't want to fall in love, I didn't want to be backlashed the way I was, and I don't want to cry. I always considered myself a strong person. Then I lost it all... and now I'm losing myself. But at the same time, I'm rediscovering who I am. I don't know how long I'll feel like this, or when it will stop hurting. I also don't know how much more of it I can take.
I'm still a strong person, just a little more bruised. I won't stop trying and I guess that means I should prepare myself to go through hell again, because I know I will... weather it's worth it or not.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2005-01-22 19:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-10-02 19:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You really are a very caring person, Hristina.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-09-24 11:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow that was good. . . plus 2 for you!
Someone this cute can write this well? Damn. . .
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm..
Submitted by Endo_Fire (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fab ! Best post i think i have read in a while.
Kudos and +2 to you !
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:03:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Only because I'd do you
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only because I'd do you.
Submitted by Vanilla (user info) at 2004-08-26 04:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aww... thanx for the 2 anyway.
Submitted by Jigga_poo (user info) at 2004-08-26 04:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
u are so fuking gaye you assohole and u suck 2