Tourist Advice for visitors to Scotland (1013 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.29 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scotsman (View user info) at 2004-08-26 05:49:30 EDT
ADVICE FOR TOURISTS TO BONNY SCOTLAND
The following may be of help to first time visitors to
Scotland.
Please find below alist of Do's and DO NOT DO's in our fair country.
I hope they are of some help in allowing you to understand our
social rules and etiquette.
It is considered bad manners for tourists to pay for drinks
in Glasgow Pubs. The biggest person in the bar (referred to as
The Numpty) will be only too happy to pay. i.e.
BARMAN: That will be twenty pounds sir.
TOURIST: The Big Numpty over there is paying.
BARMAN: That will do nicely sir.
BIG NUMPTY: Welcome to Scotland.
In Highland pubs always ask for plenty of water when drinking
the local single malts, this tells the locals that you like it
so much that you want to make it last longer. After your first
sip announce to everyone in the bar in a loud voice
"This is pi$h!" from the Gaelic Piesh Na'lavvy meaning Water
of God.
Thurso is Scotland's largest hypermarket and multiscreen
cinema complex and is only a short taxi ride from Glasgow.
The Scottish Police Force actively encourage tourists to take
their hats as souvenirs.
Braemar is famous for its miles of sandy beaches and has some
of the best surfing in Europe.
Balmoral Castle sits on top of Ben Nevis near Sauchiehall
Street in Edinburgh. There is a cable car from Edinburgh zoo
to the top of Ben Nevis. Because of its height it offers all
year round skiing and there is a revolving restaurant on the
roof of the castle.
Often you will see men in bowler hats marching about playing
the flute and banging a drum. This is a multi denominational
religious ceremony and the object of this procession is to
collect pictures of religious leaders which must be stuck to
the drum. Any images, particularly those of the Pope will be
greatly appreciated.
Where is a nocturnal thistle called a "Spiky Jessie" which is
found on Calton Hill in Edinburgh. As these flowers only open at
night a trip up the hill is recommended. Just tell a taxi driver
that you want to go up Calton Hill to take pictures of the Jessies
coming out and he will be happy to oblige.
The Latin inscription on Edinburgh's coat of arms says
"You'll have had your tea?"
The most popular hotel in Glasgow is called The Barlinnie.
Old people are banned from Scottish towns on Tuesdays and
Thursdays. If you see any gently restrain them until a police
officer arrives. This may also provide an opportunity to get
a hat as a souvenir.
Glasgow operates a policy of plain clothed street bankers. As
it is well known that carrying small change can tear people's
pockets, these bankers will approach tourists and ask if they
have any spare change. Once given this money they will exchange
it for coins or notes of a higher denomination. In order to deter
criminals, these Bankers often dress in a scruffy unkempt manner
but they are all highly trained in finance.
Edinburgh zoo has an adopt an animal scheme and tourists may
take home any animal they wish.
At many beauty spots you will find musicians playing the
bagpipes. They are employed by the Scottish Government to provide
tourists with spending money which can be found in bowls beside
them. Feel free to take as much money as you want.
William Wallace escaped the army of Oliver Cromwell by
jumping over The River Forth at Perth on a motorbike.
If you go to a concert by The Royal Scottish National
Orchestra it is considered impolite not to shout "Hoots!"
during quiet sections of music.
Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry
O'Malley a fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus
fruit to Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people
wearing green and white say "Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an orange
man!"
and you will receive a warm welcome.
Policemen are known by the old Gaelic word "keech"
"Jobbie" is a word meaning a lot of effort has gone into
producing something i.e. when you have enjoyed a meal, tell the waiter
that it "tasted like a great jobbie."
OK not mine but I thought it was funny.
User Reviews
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-09-01 05:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aberdeen which you will find is a brief walk from the Wallace monument in Stirling
Submitted by Reese at 2004-08-31 13:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got my ticket, now, where do you rest ya head I need a place to crash.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-08-30 08:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nearly all of this made frightening amounts of sense to me.
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-30 08:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha....Wick is a hole!!!
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-08-28 09:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wick is regarded as the most beautiful town in Scotland. Thus when someone informs you that you are 'getting on my Wick', it means they are deeply impressed by your words/actions, and want more.
+2 for a great list, -1 for plagiarism. Ya Tube!
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-27 05:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahhh I would love to see one of these things happen
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-08-26 13:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
naughty naughty, tricking us poor american saps like that
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-26 11:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As for the lack of referencing I didn't think that my mate Fraser in the Process department was a good reference.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-08-26 11:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going up to Gairloch in a week... I'm gonna see if I can get my mates to do this
Submitted by puggso_32 (user info) at 2004-08-26 10:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mon eh scotland ya bassas.
Meh I am from greenock on the west coast. everyone should vivist it because it is a lovely place with a lot of nice people (herion capital of europe..whooo)
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-08-26 10:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You need to reference stuff that you did not write.
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-26 09:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A red neck mexican biker.....that would be funny to see here in Scotland. All the wee hairies would love you!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mwahahahahaha
Near pissed myself.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-08-26 08:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, steal a Policemans hat...Big Numpty...adopt a zoo animal...
Checklist is done! Now I just need to get my plane ticket...
Seriously, I would love to visit Scotland. A redneck-mexican biker in Scotland.....now that would be something post about.
Submitted by pakifier (user info) at 2004-08-26 07:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope that I am there when some person decides to do any of this.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-08-26 07:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-08-26 07:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this post is like a wee beige jobbie.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're cruel and heartless and there is something very wrong with you.
Good post.
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I said at end it is not my own work. I wish I had the capablity to come up with something like this though.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 Because it isn't your own work.
+2 Because I know what they mean and it made me laugh.
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well the old Gers never did too well last night. Thank fuck I am not an old firm fan.
Submitted by Midnight_Laydee (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, Scotsman, how you make me laugh, I eagerly await your posts and am never disappointed... I wonder (/hope?) if anyone is dim enough to try any of these!?!
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Thanks for the advice..
Submitted by jazzdude (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pictures of the jessies coming out? Ahh the joys of botany :D
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-08-26 06:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry
O'Malley a fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus
fruit to Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people
wearing green and white say "Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an orange
man!"
and you will receive a warm welcome."
Now thats pure evil that is...
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.caledoniahc.com/dosanddonts.htm
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Made me laugh
would of been a plus 2 if it was your own work.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
och aye my wee tattie scone... the gers think was particularly good...
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im ashamed to say i know what all that means.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Submitted by Scotsman (user info) at 2004-08-26 05:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Come to Scotland. It's braw!