The Stages of Drinking (617 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sarah <recklesslyabandoned182.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-26 17:10:39 EDT
It has come to my attention that being "drunk" is a catch-all phrase. Just like Hell, there are several different stages of drinking. Last night I observed all five in a matter of hours- much to my delight. I didn't drink a lot- just a few shots of SoCo, so I was able to sit back and enjoy the festivities. Here's a brief summary of my observations:
So the first stage happens relatively quickly, depending on your poison. As you mingle with the ever-growing number of people, red plastic cup in hand, your subconsciously pull your shirt lower, straighten your miniskirt and fix your hair. You must look your best if you want to hook up with tonight, and there is a lot of competition. Beer soon turns to Bacardi and coke, and you find yourself loosening up, swaying to the music and becoming acquainted with some nice looking jocks. You are buzzed.
More alcohol arrives at the party, and abandoning your red plastic cup, you start doing shots. After four or so shots of vodka some guy shouts out "BODY SHOTS!" and armed with a bottle of tequila, leads the giggling, squirming pack of girls into the back room, horny guys in tow. You get horizontal, laughing, and hike your shirt of, beckoning some hot guy to slurp the sunrise out of your bellybutton. You look around and see other girls sprawled out on the floor, all having their torsos licked and drooled over too. After hooking up with a few guys you exchange numbers and your anthem comes on the stereo, "Tipsy."
You and your friend, equally inebriated, squeal and help each other up onto the nearest table. Your adoring fans cheer and gyrate along with you as you booty dance on the table, stepping around the knocked-over plastic cups and long-forgotten coasters. Everyone is singing slurred, incorrect words while laughing and grinding. The carpet is stained with cranberry juice and vodka and the neighbors are pounding on the walls. You stage dive into the crowd (and by now, there are more then 30 people crammed into this beachside condo) and they hold you up for a few seconds, then everyone collapses in a fit of liquor, hiked up skirts and giggles. Welcome to Drunk- Population: You.
Fast-Forward another hour; it's now 3:30 and time to go home. You and your best friend say goodbye to all your new friends, exchange phone numbers with the guys you haven't hooked up with yet (there's always tomorrow!) and hug everyone in sight. Your shirt is pulled so low your push up bra is showing and your skirt is revealing your underwear. But so is everyone else's so you don't care. You hobble out to the car, your designated driver herding you in the right direction, best friend in arm. As you race down the freeway with your head out the air, hooting and hollering into the night, you get the sudden urge to take a piss.
Your patient driver pulls over and you and your friend ooze out of the backseat into a giggling heap on the side of the road. After trotting off behind a bush, you pull your skirt up and start to pee, wipe with a leaf / your hand, and squeal because there's piss running down your legs. Ladies and gentlemen, you're fuckin wasted.
The there's the final stage: The Hangover. Head-splitting "Oh God END IT, JUST END MY LIFE RIGHT NOW" pain.
"Beer, the cause and solution to all of life's problems." -Homer Simpson
User Reviews
Submitted by TooHonestHARHAR at 2004-08-31 07:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You forgot to mention the ol' hangover "puke n' poop"- That's right folks- you all know that there's a big alcolhic turd that wants to get out as you're running to the bathroom to puke your poisoned guts out. And it always boils down to, "Do I puke first or take a shit?" I opt for the puke cause who wants to stick their face into a toilet that wreaks of last nights pre-vodka pasta and meatballs? Not me I tell you, not me.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-08-31 06:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
stupid ass cunt.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-08-26 22:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My second to last stage of drunk occurs after i go to sleep and before the hangover - when i arise from wherever i'm sleeping, and sleep/drunk walk and pee somewhere i shouldn't pee...my computer for instance. happens all the time....
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-26 21:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"come right out and tell the slore that you wouldn't talk to her if you were sober, but that you really wanna fuck"
oH YES That is the one you regret so much in the morning. Coyote ugly.
Submitted by jessalynne (user info) at 2004-08-26 19:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant, i hoped those girls had a nice, warm bottle of aspirin the next morning to crawl into
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You forgot several stages.
You know the "call ex-girl and tell them that you still love them" stage, the "accidentally pee your pants" stage, the "come right out and tell the slore that you wouldn't talk to her if you were sober, but that you really wanna fuck" stage . . .
Oh there are a ton fun of stages you missed, but other than that, good post.
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
any blink182 fan gets +2 for life
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My advice to new drinkers is to not get in that deep. Drinking is fun, but there's no reason you have to try to drink more each time. Just pick a certain number of beers and you'll have fun and not get sick.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-26 17:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I can't ever cast a spell when I am all wasted. I mean, who the fuck can tell the difference between a newt and a toad when you're all fucked up? Seriously brother, preach on.
You fucking geek.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what I don't understand? What's the point in drinking alcohol in Neverwinter Nights? All that happens is an intelligence decrease, and only wizards need that for spellcasting.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So this is how it is for girls, eh?
Koolmang - I didn't start drinking til I was 19...that was almost 6 years ago...it's been allllll downhill from there :) My advice: stay away from the booze as long as you can...when you finally give in, hit it HARD!
Submitted by russizm (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 21 and the same is true for me.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm proud that, at age 19, I've never touched alcohol in my life.