A moment in the life of Drew (with a halfass attempt at paragraph structure) (809 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.8 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drew Janssen <ajanssen.at.southwestfunding.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-26 18:07:27 EDT
I apologize the former post wasn't easy on the eyes. I am a self absorbed asshole and by nature I have no concern for the well being or comfort of others.
I am currently employed as a mortgage broker, which I have been told in the Universal Hierarchy is just one level above prostitution. For some reason I proudly hold this title. Drew Janssen-screwing and demoralizing people since 1980. Prior to this I worked at AT&T for about 4 years in their customer service department. It was truly hell. I'm not cut out for corporate America or dealing with people's problems for that matter. This is a brief moment of my life while employed there.
I whip into the parking lot this morning in a hurry. Not the employee parking across the street but the visitor parking. I'll be damned if I walk any more than I have to, plus the attendance guidelines are extremely strict here. I think they are similar to the ones used at Nazi death camps during the Holocaust and I might be running a few minutes late. Hard to tell, my watch isn't coordinated with AT&T Central Standard Time.
As I briskly walk through the door I am accosted by our security guard. My name badge isn't completely visible. This whore sees me at least 4 times a day and knows my complete name but still sees the need to harass me. While producing my badge I give her a look of complete disgust. The type of look you would give your best friend if you found out he was secretly sodomizing his own mother. Today she has pulled her too small security pants up over a portion of her gut in a feeble attempt to hide it. Now her gut is sagging dangerously over her genitals as if to match her unsightly breasts.
I quickly shuffle off towards the elevators. One is occupied by three people and the door is slowly closing. I make it there just in time to stick my foot in the door Indiana Jones style to make it reopen. I pray I don't pull back a nub. The elevator creaks and the door opens back up for me, much to the aggravation of the occupants already on it. To put it simply our elevator system is fucked. I am convinced that the entire mechanical system powering it is in the basement and involves a handful a Puerto Rican children, a slave master with a whip, and series of ropes and pulleys. To make matters worse for the occupants, I am only going to the 2nd floor. I get several evil eyes. "Asshole could have taken the stairs" occupant #1 thinks to herself while fidgeting and making it a point to stare at her watch. I shove my hands in my pockets, start rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet, and whistle loudly while jingling keys and change in my pocket. A very passive way to scream I'm an asshole and I'm glad I've aggravated you. I recognize occupant #2 from a different team I used to work on and as I get off the elevator I immediately turn back around and stick my hand on the edge of the door to keep it from closing and try to strike up a meaningless conversation. "You look very familiar, don't I know you? blah,blah,blah" Occupants #1 and #3 are now seriously agitated and about to become irate. I give them a pig-in-shit grin and stroll off still jingling the change in my pocket and whistling.
A warm fuzzy feeling spreads through my body and I pat myself on the back. Maybe today won't be that bad after all. I step onto the floor feeling extremely smug and begin the 50 foot walk to my cubicle. They have tried to quarantine me by placing me at the far end of the floor. As I'm walking I give co-workers on the way the wink and the pistol with my hand. Some smile sheepishly and some just shake their heads.
I sit down at my desk and glance at the clock. I have 2 minutes before I have to log in. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I'm about to step it up a notch and go into complete asshole mode. Any shred of decency I have has to be tucked away and hidden.
I log in and a call immediately comes in, as with every call it is preceded by 3 soul piercing tones that could wake the dead. Caller #1 is an elderly Jewish woman from New York and is loudly complaining about our "machine operator" and the unnecessarily long period she has been on hold. I can only admire her determination. She has spent 20 minutes spiraling around in the black hole that is our automated system. Wandering through a maze of menus and submenus. Prompts and subprompts. All useless and never what you need. Upon her exodus to freedom from this mind-fuck she was immediately placed on hold for at least 15 minutes and forced to listen to elevator/70's porn music that was composed with the express purpose of angering people. She is now droning on and on. Something about the "good old days" when the phone companies cared. I abruptly cut her off.
"Mrs.Weinstein, please!"
I immediately and almost instinctively begin to scan the back of my brain for one of my very own preformatted, blatant lies.
"I'm very sorry (Mr./Mrs. customer), unfortunately there was a (poisonous gas leak/hostage situation/virus outbreak/firestorm/sewage backup) at our main office in (extremely far away city) and all of their call volume has been rerouted to us. As you can see we are extremely busy, and I apologize for the delay."
Today there is a gas leak in Sacramento.
"Oh my word!"
she exclaims. I think she has stopped to realize how petty her problem is when human lives are at stake and there is a short pause in the conversation. Now is the time to act! I exploit this short pause and take control of the call. I begin drilling her for personal information. Phone number, home address, social security number, sexual preference, name of 5th grade teacher, year she lost her virginity and so on. I sense the frustration mounting in her voice and decide to get to the point. She is disputing a 17 cent call to Omaha, Nebraska. I explain it was to a health insurance company. She still doesn't recognize it. 17 fucking cents. All this over 17 fucking cents. I want to argue with her just for the sake of arguing but her shrill voice and wretched accent are getting to me. I open up one of 15 systems that we have so I can credit her bill and I'll be damned, I am greeted by Mr. Fatal Error Message that relentlessly plagues my system with no mercy. Sometimes I am able to minimize him or close him out where he is whisked back into the 8th level of hell from whence he came. But today he is well rested and has reinforcements, Mr. Illegal Function Message and horribly long string of computer jargon and nonsense that would confuse the best of programmers. I don't have the patience today. I file her request for a credit away to be worked later, knowing that I probably wouldn't. She now would like to make a payment. Fortunately accounts receivables has the handle this, not me. I call accounts receivables and Mrs. Brown answers the phone.
"Its a wonderful day at AT&T, how can I help you?"
she spews in a mock pleasant voice that is so sickeningly sweet I think I need a fucking insulin shot. I gladly drop the abrasive Jew off onto her line and wonder what their conversation will be like.
Ding,Ding,Ding...
Caller #2 is now on the line and barking in my ear. His name is Victor Konistukov II and he has no idea how 6 lengthy, expensive calls to Russia have worked their way onto his bill. In a thick accent he explains to me that he knows no one in Russia and not only does he want the calls promptly removed, he would also like a complete investigation into how this mystery occurred. For a fleeting moment I am tempted to tell him 5 large men will arrive at his house shortly to implement a KGB style "interrogation" to assist us with our investigation. My better judgment gets the best of me and instead for the high crimes of insulting my intelligence, lying to me, being a foreigner, and trying to get over on an American company, I sentence him to the Dr.Kevorkian Disconnect (placing someone on hold for so long they disconnect themselves). I put him on hold, kick my shoes off, lean back in my chair, and take a long drink of lukewarm, metallic, vending machine urine that is supposed to be coffee. He's a stubborn bastard. I start to wager with myself about how long he'll hold for. Drew's personality #1 bets more than 8 minutes and wagers smoking 2 cigarettes on break. Personality #2 disagrees and wagers only one cigarette on him holding less than 8 minutes. I begin to ponder different ways I can incorporate the word unfortunately as many times as possible into my next conversation and stare absent mindedly out the window.
Out the window I can see airplanes that have just left Love Field. I wonder where they are going and desperately wish I was on one. Suddenly my thoughts are drowned out by my coworker next to me pleading loudly with her customer to stop crying. Despair starts to creep in. It's only 9:13 and this insanity will continue until 7:00 this evening. God help me.
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-25 11:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-13 00:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. Very nice.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-04-06 17:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
2
Submitted by notwelcomehurr (user info) at 2004-09-16 01:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Drew.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-27 01:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2004-08-26 20:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have this exact job currently, and you inspire me. You even gave me a few more tricks, i.e. The Kevorkian Death Drop. That shit is hilarious to us who work on the phones.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2004-08-26 20:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And i thought i was a prick!
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-08-26 20:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You rule.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-26 19:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very entertaining.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a bastard. I love you
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. what the hell is "wmausing"?
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
probably a lie. But a very wmuasing and entertaining lie. See you in hell.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. You really ARE an asshole. And you're REALLY GOOD at it. I'm impressed. +2.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MUCH better.