An old friend (well, not really) (475 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.75 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve <steveisgreat.at.rock.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-27 03:03:01 EDT
I have this old friend that just festers in my mind, taking up space that could be used for pondering how awesome I am. Well, he was never really my friend.
His name was Mike Smith. Upon meeting him, I was stunned by the idea that someone could give thier child such an unoriginal name. With the most common surname ever in the universe, you'd think that his parents would have gone with something more original. Nope. However, it earned him a nickname that still cracks me up to this day: Mike the Dyke. For some reason, this killed me, and whenever someone would call him that, I would start laughing. Even though we go to a very small school, there are still six or so people called Mike, so, when someone would ask which Mike are we talking about, I'd always respond "The Dyke".
The prime reason I hung out with him was that when we would go over to his house, me and my friends would eat as much as we could and then take six or seven Easy-macs (those microwaveable Mac-n'-cheese things). Then, I would steal him and his brother's games and sell them.
Any regret I might have felt was overwhelmed by his sheer stupidity, stupid style, and by his hot girlfriend. He was one of those types who could have been smart if his parents had beaten him senseless as a child, and then made him do homework. Instead, he wallowed in stupidity. I happen to read books a lot, and he was somehow mystified as to how I could read a book the size of The Terminal Man. What? He read mabye one book as long as I knew him, and that was for schoolwork. Otherwise, his reading material consisted of badly spelled AIM messages.
One of the things that ended our friendship was that he webt from a "sk8tr" to a "thug" over the course of a month. Let me elaborate:
When I met him Freshman year, he had this skateboarder persona. He would wear torn shirts and he had the stupid patches and shit... I thought it was really stupid, but I put up with it. Then, He starts claiming that he's an Anarchist, even though the only reason he's alive is that the law keeps people from murdering him. He would say shit about how great it would be with no government; since I am not very eloquent off of paper, I could not explain how stupid all his ideas were. He seemed to think that food and CDs and other such things would just pop out of the ground, and he could just go and pick them up. This combined with the skater crap pissed me off a lot, but I tolerated it (for some reason). Then, I went to go visit my family in Brazil for a month, and I returned just in time for the new school year.
It had only been a month since I had last seen him, but he had made the leap of idiocy from "sk8tr" to Wigger. Baggy pants, stupid fucking chains, and backwards hat. Jesus fucking Christ, he looked stupid. He even picked up some Ebonics. I stopped hanging around with him, except for a periodic raid of his house. I stopped hanging around with him altogether when he started claiming that he was an honorary Blood. Holy fucking shit, I thought, I've got to tell everyone this shit. And so I did.
One day he came up to me and told me that some Bloods wanted to kill him because of what I had said. When I asked why they'd want to kill a "member", he replied that this was a group from New York (we like in Stamford, real close to NY) I laughed my ass off. I knew that either there was no gang trying to kill him, or they were pissed because he had the nerve to make such a ridiculous claim. Most of his old associates (not really friends) stopped socializing with him, except to scream "Wigger!" in the middle of the cafeteria. He picked up a new "crew" mostly jocks and a few black people who would tolerate him. The jocks were all Wiggers, too, so they'd get pissed whenever they'd hear him called it.
Somehow, regardless of all this bullshit, he managed to get a girlfriend, one of the hottest in the school. She would constantly leave hickeys on him (he claimed it was her, the girl never confirmed or denied it) and he would parade around the hallways bitching about how his mom was going to kill him, just to show off the hickey. Nobody had any idea how he had managed to snag such a girl, and how he managed to keep her. He made this claim that he and her fucked constantly, but then we threatened to ask her, and he quickly recanted, saying that he had only gotten a feel once or twice but "That's more than you'd get" I wanted to punch him in the face every time he said that. Of all the people in the school, he was the least deserving of her. In Sophmore year, she had to return to her native country of Argentina.
A couple weeks after, I was on the school bus when Adam, a friend, crowded half the bus together to tell them that he had spoken with a girl who was going to give him (Mike) a hand-job. However, he couldn't get it up! me and several others swore to go throughout the school and tell everyone. We did. He was mad, but I happen to be rather imposing and he didn't do anything. Another social disaster befell him when it his new girlfriend broke up with him in a McDonald's in front of her father, and he started crying. This prompted me to ask him if tears tasted better than what they serve at McDonald's.
Finally, around January, he got his ass expelled. Why? They were cutting all the nut jobs and failures out of the school. Everybody laughed at him, and he left the school in shame, to be taught by a tutor for the rest of the year. I didn't see him again until a few weeks ago when I was at a KB Toys in the mall, getting a bill broken down for a bus ride, when I saw him. He was fucking working there! Haha, loser.
User Reviews
Submitted by HelloMello (user info) at 2004-09-25 21:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Aaaah last one Dickfor
Submitted by cadchick (user info) at 2004-08-27 17:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's this exact reason I live away from home. I hate going back and getting suckered into conversations with people I didn't like then and dislike even more now.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a friend named Mike Smith too
Submitted by notwelcomehurr (user info) at 2004-08-27 07:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking good dude