getting laid- the perfect one night stand. (1460 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: goodfiction
Rating: 1.28 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2004-08-27 10:57:43 EDT
I don't take shit from anybody. Once you start doing favors for people, being nice, "listening"... it all goes to shit. People start to think you're sensitive. I won't be havin none of that bullshit.
All day I see guys out there acting the fool- being pussies- chumps- gettin run over by their women. Y'all got to stop that. I'm here to tell you.
You want some ass? Nice guys don't get ass, and I'll tell you why. Women don't give it up to someone they think they might be with "forever". They automatically go into that damn fairytale mode- thinking of weddings and doves and varrious bullshit. Their timeline pops into play once they meet a nice guy.
Conversation between two bitches when the guy is a "keeper":
"I met this great guy last week" they'll say.
"ohhh... you guys didn't do it yet, did you?"
"Oh no! Of course not! Should I wait two months or three, do you think?"
"Three, definatly. You don't want him to think you're a whore."
"Yeah, three. That's what I thought."
You don't want to be a keeper. Well shit, maybe you really ARE a pansy and you think you want a girlfriend following you around, telling you how to dress, how to talk and not to drink. fuckin mommas boys.
If you're a real man (like me) you don't have time for that bullshit. You want the gash. I'm here to tell you how to get it.
A hot chick at the bar. You see her across the room. Ignore her. Too high maintenence.
Look for the average girl. It's best if she is timid. It's easy to "wow" timid girls. Don't buy her a drink or do anything that might make her think she can control you. Bitches never should be in control, you'll lose everything if you lose the upper-hand.
Wait until she's had a few drinks. Keep an eye on her- she'll notice it. She won't act on it, but she'll see you looking over. Timing is key right here. Wait until she's a bit stumbly. She won't have much energy to argue or fight with you... plus drunk girls are horny.
Approach her. "I've been watching you all night" is the line I use. I know it's good because it ALWAYS elicits reaction. She will look shocked. This is good, it shows that she has low self-esteem, and she's surprised that a man like YOU is interested.
Get her away from her friends, but don't get her friends on edge. You don't want them cockblocking as bitches are prone to doing. Tell her to come outside with you, get some fresh air. She will. If she tries to resist, just pull on her a little, she'll agree, one way or the other.
Once you get outside (and away from her friends) it's open range. Tell her you want to sit in your car- your feet hurt.
Again, if she resists, just pull on her a little. If you MUST sweet-talk her, it's okay at this point, just don't over-do it. The sooner you get her in the car, the better.
Drive off as soon as the doors are shut. She will object, but remember, she's drunk and horny, so she's just saying "no" because of the social taboo against one night stands. Don't waste your time reassuring her- shit, don't waste your time talking at all.
Know where you're going to take her.
Get out, do it, and leave her.
It'll be hot sex. You know, the sex where you come out with bruises and scratches? That hot steamy rough sex? That's what you'll get. Girls are predictable. I'll tell you right now, she'll scream and bite and cry... "no no... no!" she'll say.
She really wants it.
Drunk girls are horny.
Oh, and it's best if you take the licence plate off your car before this whole fiasco. Or, better yet, just borrow a buddies car. Bitches DO like to play games. The last girl I banged felt rejected and used- bitch called the cops on me!
Shows how spiteful bitches are. She has a one night stand, feels like a whore, so she calls the cops and gets me thrown in prison. She probably feels better about herself.
She won't feel better when I get out, that's for damn sure.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-16 13:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how this progresses from serious advice to date rape tips. Pure literary genius!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-03-15 19:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
love it
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-21 19:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-08-27 22:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh........
Was this about anybody in particular?
Namely me?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-27 21:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha
You people... it's oh so obvious who didn't read the whole post.
and yes, I'm a woman... this post was 100% pure unadulturated fiction.
I rock I rule etc etc etc
(but I don't know what you're talking about mick)
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-27 16:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dead sexy.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-27 16:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"If you're a real man (like me)".....
Damn....I thought corn_nugget was a girl
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-08-27 14:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the tip, but aren't you a woman? And if so, what is your drink of choice?
Submitted by screaney (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought this was pretty cool. i can imagine it as totally true to the point. !!!
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A swing and a miss, and this is why:
"A hot chick at the bar. You see her across the room. Ignore her. Too high maintenence. "
This is how I know you're not a player. The hottest chicks on earth generally have the lowest self esteem. "Oh god, I knew I shouldn't of eaten that tic-tac, just look at my stomache!"
If you're out to get laid, especially at a bar, this is the first one you should be working.
Besides, why take a used car home when you could be kicking it in a limo?
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
did you stop taking your depakote?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My posts are always confusing, apparently.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42910#755638
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42910#755659
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42910#755670
http://www.ubersite.com/m/38728#661476
http://www.ubersite.com/m/37607#633970
http://www.ubersite.com/m/37607#634349
(that's all I have time to look for- WORK, HERE I COME!!)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am confused. Good job confusing me!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you failed; this was hilarious. Sorry buddy, better luck next time.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I wasn't trying to be funny. Lately I've been delving into the "how do people think?" realm. I've been flexing my brain (albeit, not always succsessfully) to develop charecters (fuck i can't spell) that are unlike me.
This was a bit of an extreme, trying to identify the mentality of some rapists... but that's what I was going for- not humor.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how this progresses from serious advice to date rape tips. Pure literary genius!
Submitted by Hugeos (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Mheh. Trying to be funny. And failing.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aj, yeah... that "dick not worth mentioning"...
is she the girl you were telling me about? how you banged her and she cried? Something about "I thought corn-fed-white-boys had big wangs!!!?!" and "What a waste!!"...
No?
Then afterwards, how you went in your sleeping bag and jacked off???
It was SHAY!? Jesus man.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-27 11:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pan Pipes, as in pipes played by Pan. Pan, Pan the goat-legged man!
Series of hollow sticks of different lengths each making a different note. South American people play them.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not too easily sucked into arguments!
Besides, why would I feel the urge to argue with a bitter old hag like Shay?
She's just pissed because she hasn't gotten any dick in a loooooong time.
At least not any worth mentioning.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah that's pretty much it
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pan Pipes??
Elaborate, old chap.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pfft! That would never work!
Dervels guide to getting laid- the perfect one night stand
1. Make homemade pan pipes out of beer bottles.
2. Go up to lovely lady, play "Lady In Red" on homemade pan pipes.
3. Pull sexy face. (Raise one eye-brow and curl corner of tip lip up).
4. Say "Hello big tits fancy a shag?"
5. Vomit on shoes, the more colour the better (similar to those frogs with the airsack thingy).
Job done.
Oh, don't forget protection. Play safe.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aj, you know how I was telling you that you are too easily baited? You jump into arguments too quickly and all that?
Well, since I already showed you how to get laid, I'll now explain, "how to fuck with people".
1). Say something witty and/or sarcastic. It'll be juuuuuust over their heads, and they will be driven to respond, yet not have the ability to have a good response. Something stupid WILL come at you in the form of a reply.
2). Laugh at them, and if needed- tell them they are stupid.
3). Wait for everyone else to argue with them. Or- wait for them to go on and on and on and on and on with stupid come-backs that show how worked up they are getting.
_________
Shay, haha, you're stupid. Poor thing.
_________
(just wait!)
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
dross
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:19:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, coming from the dumb broad who wanted to mooch free parking off of Dan during Ubercon but wouldn't actually make an appearance.
----------------------------------------------------
It was a joke, I don't even drive downtown dumbass.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, coming from the dumb broad who wanted to mooch free parking off of Dan during Ubercon but wouldn't actually make an appearance.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NICE
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAH
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've been watching you all night works for you every time? What kind of dumb broads frequent the places you go to, oh wait, I just answered my own question, dumb broads.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a true story...
Apollo told me about it last night. Says it works well for him, I figured I'd share!!!
You see, not only is shitfuck in prison http://www.ubersite.com/m/41540 ... so is our lovely comic brit!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<breath>
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
+2 for "the gash."
+2 for gratuitous use of "bitches," including, "cockblocking bitches" et. al.
I really thought this was going to be a serious post when you talked about nice guys not getting any action. Then I proceeded to laugh- alot.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for the advices
Submitted by capnjacko (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ah....just in time for the weekend too
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42843
I think our posts need to get married Nuggs.
Submitted by Ancius (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ooooooooooooooookaaaaaay
Submitted by RateBot (user info) at 2004-08-27 11:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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