Yes, I went to high school with you. No, I don't want to talk to you. (1283 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.63 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AJ <ajcassidy221.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-27 12:26:53 EDT
Oh, shit. There they are. Looking at you with lusting eyes. Eyes lusting for attention, for companionship, and most of all lusting for a conversation with someone they knew from long ago. The real world is hard for these poor bastards, and they'll take any chance they can get to latch onto someone who may have so much as had one class with them during their sophomore year in high school, but nevertheless, they feel that they have some sort of connection. They feel that you, as that person have a duty, an obligation to engage them in friendly, chit-chatty bullshit.
Avoid these leeches at all costs. Do your best to ignore them. Avoid eye contact. Slouch in your seat. Look really busy. If all else fails, run. But do not, do NOT, talk to them. Why? Because high school is over. You're not a "Stormin' Pointer" anymore. You don't go to pep rallies, football games, or bonfires anymore. You're in college or the real world, and that time period is over, thankfully. Don't get sucked back in. Although it seems rude, it seems cruel, it seems dastardly, it must be done. If not, you may end up with a problem on your hands.
Often times on Fridays I find myself in a hell of a predicament. Shitty scheduling has forced me into a three-hour break in between classes, and that leaves me with a lot of time to kill. Where do I kill that time? Usually on Uber. But in that time, there are at least two groups of students getting out of classes that will come across me, sitting at the keyboard, looking at the monitor with a glazed-over look in my eyes. Then, the unthinkable happens. One of those students passing by recognizes me.
"Hey, A-Train! How's it going?"
"Oh, not too bad."
This usually leads to about five to ten minutes of conversation in which I am desperately trying to convey the fact that I want to end the conversation.
"Man, so-and-so threw a huge party last weekend, you should've come."
"Aren't they still in high school?"
"Yeah, but you can't beat free beer, right?"
"Haha. Yeah. Well then, it's been..."
"Yeah, so what are you up to these days? I hardly hear from you..."
This leads to five or ten more minutes. Time for Plan B. Start ignoring them. During every pause in the conversation, turn back to the computer and start reading something, or typing something. Log into your email. Maybe if they see it as private, they'll leave.
"Hey, what's that?" they'll say, as they see Apollo's post about getting fucked by a dog.
"NOTHING!" I say, hurriedly trying to minimize or close the window to keep the sanctity of this website away from a douchebag that thought they were awesome being a second-team special teams player on the high school football team. "It's nothing. Just a little site I waste some time on."
"So what are you doing right now? I mean, you've been sitting here for about ten minutes. Do you have a break or something?"
Think fast. Never, ever admit to having a break. If they're asking you, chances are they have one as well. Whatever you do, do not own up to having a break.
"Umm, no... just sort of lost track of time. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go all the way to the other side of campus in about five minutes. It's been nice talking to you."
"Yeah, see you later."
Fuck. Well, you've just given up your computer, but you've avoided more social interaction with someone you hate.
Although these random brushes with your high school compatriots may be annoying, they are nowhere near the hassle that occurs when you have one of your former classmates as a current classmate. Set scene: You're sitting at a table, close to the front of the room so that you can understand the professor in case they're from some country that you can't even pronounce, but far enough back so that you don't get screwed into having to participate. You stare at the clock, watching as the final minutes before the class is going to start. Who should walk in, but an old acquaintance.
Shit. They smile at you. You think to yourself, "is this really who I want to get stuck sitting next to for an entire 14 weeks?" You take a survey of your various body parts, to see what they think.
RIGHT BRAIN: NO! That fucking cunt was always talking shit back in the day.
LEFT BRAIN: Yeah, and she smacks her gum.
PENIS: She's got low self-esteem! Maybe we can score!
TESTICLES: Yeah, in case you haven't noticed, we're turning blue here!
EYES: Fuck you three, do you see how big she is?
LEGS: We can't take it, Captain!
CONSCIENCE: Be nice. How would you feel if you walked into a class, and the only person you knew shunned you?
LEFT BRAIN: Quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
RIGHT BRAIN: Agreed. We have to keep her from coming over here. But what can we do?
"Hi! How's it going, Anthony?"
"Not too bad..."
At this point, your classmate may start unshouldering his/her backpack. It's time to act fast. Either be a complete asshole, or make yourself look crazy.
"GAAAAFOOSHWAGLUGLUGBOOGILYWHOO!"
"What the hell was that?"
"Hm? Oh that? That's nothing. I just have to remember to take my medication... ARRGDIPSHITCUNTRAGBOOBS!"
"Well, uh... I'll see you around."
Mission accomplished, and you got to say boobs. If you see someone you graduated with, avoid them at all costs. You don't want to end up getting stuck with some moron that doesn't know how to do the "problems" in Statistical Ideas and ends up latching onto you to help their grade along. It is not your job to babysit these people, it is your job to make sure that people don't think you're associated with them.
Go Stormin' Pointers.
User Reviews
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-13 00:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Academy (user info) at 2004-12-17 20:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by HawkeyesTheGAME (user info) at 2004-10-23 16:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spamming is bad form.
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 15:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-04 01:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-09-04 01:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just got back from my home state and went to the local small town bar...I saw a number of kids who I apparently went to high school with, whom I didn't recognize but somehow knew who I was.
One of them refused to tell me who he was..like it was some game..
it's annoying.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-09-01 08:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-30 09:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-28 18:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate you, AJ. I'm going to go cry now.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-28 18:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I thought it was good.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-28 18:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:36:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:35:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
How does it feel to be a douche every day, Fetish?
---
I don't know. You tell me, Summer's Eve.
=============================================
hahaha
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-08-28 17:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by onejupiter (user info) at 2004-08-28 17:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by whiskeyjack (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:36:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:35:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
How does it feel to be a douche every day, Fetish?
---
I don't know. You tell me, Summer's Eve.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wow that was one of the weakest comebacks I've ever seen. I stopped using that type of crap when I was like 13. That was simply pathetic.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:35:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
How does it feel to be a douche every day, Fetish?
---
I don't know. You tell me, Summer's Eve.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How does it feel to be a douche every day, Fetish?
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mission accomplished, and you got to say boobs."
I mean... what more to life is there?
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-27 17:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna say boobs. *whiney voice*
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, AJ...a fun read.
That body part conversation was funny.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-08-27 14:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate bumping into someone from HS and forcing a conversation...I hate small talk as it is. But the worst is when I occasionally bump into prissy high school bitches that never talked to me back then and then they get this pained expression like I'M the one that's trying to hunt them down. FUCK YOU, BITCHES! I hope they choke on infected egg rolls.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I run into that same problem too, Loki.
I was more active in the legal and legitimate things in high school though. ;)
There's nothing more crappy than having a full conversation with someone when you don't even know their name.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:22:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:08:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I seem to run into someone I know every time I go visit my parents. Actually, it's not that I run into someone I know, it's more like I run into someone who knows me and I can't for the life of me figure out who the hell they are. I was pretty popular in high school so everyone knew me. Note by "popular" I mean "the hookup for weed" and thanks to the fact that my best friend had an older brother, she was "the hookup for beer". Plus, I was loud, obnoxious and always starting some kind of shit. You know, the more I think about it "popular" doesn't seem like the right word, how about "infamous"?
At any rate, I don't know how many times I've gotten stuck in a restaurant having one of those "how-the-hell-are-you-what-are-you-up-to-these-days" conversations with someone that to my knowledge I've never laid eyes on before.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every high school has at least one A-Train.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-27 12:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You don't have many friends do you?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on.
I've done some weird stuff to avoid talking to people I went to high school with, too.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, I had the nickname of A-Train in high school. As was mentioned in this classic post...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35085
(not mine)
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. That made me laugh quite loud.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A-Train?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have that too? Every part of my body can have internal dialogue with other parts of my body.
Dammit I thought I was only one of three....
Submitted by euripidestrousers (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you've been through something
like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
Homer: You said it, you weirdo.
Mountain Madness
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This gave me a boner
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The ol' fake Tourettes trick works every time.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AJ! hiiiii!!
Everytime they say the word "like or dude" give a little tourette's yelp.
They will probably be wierded out and leave you alone.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders ... my
friend!
Lenny: What'd he say?
Carl: I dunno. Somethin' about being gay.
Homer Loves Flanders
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-27 12:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's too earrllyyyy.