The Art of Being an Asshole (Using Your Power for Evil) (1247 hits)
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Rating: 1.92 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2004-08-27 13:02:45 EDT
(Disclaimer: This story is totally true.)
In order to understand anything I am about to tell you, you must have some clue about what it means to be a Penecostal. A Penecostal Christian means that you believe in the art of acting like you're having a massive epileptic fit so that God will be distracted by your wildness long enough to pay attention to you.
I guess it would work better than prayer...I mean, let's say I am God, (which shouldn't be hard for you to imagine), and prayers are bums...If some bum on the street begged me for change, I might give it to him - but if 100,000 bums were chasing me around begging for change all at once, I'd run -- pushing the Holy Ghost into their path so as to make my escape...
If, however, in the process of running I saw someone screaming like a madman, flailing on the ground, speaking some language I didn't remember inventing, and pouring olive oil all over themselves like something out of a Marlboro cook book, I might think it was an interpretive street performance of a Shakespearian monologue and slip them some canned goods or something...then I would continue running.
This is the essence of the Penecostal faith - that even though they don't understand a word of what they're saying, they think that God somehow does. I mean I wonder if you could cuss someone out in the language of 'tongues'.
Ok, I am seriously getting off subject...
My friend Richard -- he is the type of guy who fluctuates with the seasons so far a religions go. He claims to have found God while in the midst of a particularly bad acid trip. He said he was in a car and demons started swirling around it; then he asked God to make it stop and it did...Something to that effect.
I had to ask: "You mean you saw demons and you didn't think ask them questions???" (How else will you know that what you're seeing and hearing is part of the objective world and not just in your head? Wait...how do we know that anyway??? Ummm....nevermind.)
You see, I am a believer that there is no such thing as a 'bad' acid trip. I approach doing hallucinogenics in a very surgical, Timothy Leary/Dicovery Channel type of way. To me they are a way to view parts of my mind that are rarely, if ever, seen....nothing bad about that! Or, maybe I am just at home in Hell...which brings me, at last, to the jist of my story.
Richard had invited me to a church he had been attending and advertised it to me as "making you feel like you are tripping". The Reverend's name was 'Prophet Baker'. Yes, you read that correctly: 'Prophet' Baker. While most Protestants are either too PC or too chickenshit to be admonished as 'Prophet' rather than, say, 'Brother', Prophet Baker was different. He was 'anointed'. Instantly my thoughts escaped to Jim Jones and David Koresh, Bradley Tanks and Fruit Punch Kool-Aid. What was I getting myself into? Morbid curiousity got the best of me, and I decided to go.
I cannot pretend that the only real reason I went was to size up my enemy. Who was this who DARED call himself prophet when everyone knows that I am the one true prophet?! Anyway, as far as churches go, the service was even more entertaining than a shuttle disaster! There were women running around screaming absurdities... Some were standing at their pews hollering "praise Jesus" with their hands in the air. Others were approaching the pulpit and having Prophet Baker lay his 'Holy Hands' on them, and smear their forheads with oil. They would then collapse onto the floor in violent display of contortionism that can only be imagined if you've seen the film "The Exorcist".
All this was going off around me like landmines around a solitary flower. It was then that the mushrooms I took before coming started to kick in... The energies of the various members of the congregation were becoming visible now, and they were fusing together in a giant molten aura. I could see how each member was contributing his own vibrations to the illustrious dischord....(If by now you're thinking - "you didn't do that - you didn't take mushrooms and go to church" - you'd be right. I didn't take mushrooms before going to church. Truth is, I don't know what it was I'd taken. They just handed it to me at the door, and I thought..."ok, cool".
After untold hours of this, which could have actually been only a few minutes, Prophet Baker began to speak about the power and the glory of the word. His demeanor seemed off center as if he was battling some inward demon of his own as I sat there scrutinizing his every word.
Then suddenly he stopped his sermon and said, "I am sorry folks...I feel the presence of the devil here today..."
Without even having to look around, I instantly KNEW he was talking about me, and I suspect so did everyone else... I began to chant the ancient hymns of the Necronomicon in my mind as Prophet Baker struggled to maintain consciousness... Then he collapsed onto the floor and was quickly surrounded by those on the front row.
Satisfied that my spiritual battle had been won, I got up and walked out the door, the wailing of women and children still ringing in my ears...
"'Prophet'.....pffft!"
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:58:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by eIectrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-23 17:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I will not cut corners.
Submitted by equaIizer (user info) at 2004-10-21 21:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-10-18 21:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How equalizer has rated other users
electrictoothsyndrome (user info) 110 on 55 = 2.00
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-18 21:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
almost done
Submitted by equalizer (user info) at 2004-09-14 03:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Equalized.
Submitted by fake_bargled (user info) at 2004-09-07 19:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
They ain't got shit on these guys.
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2004-08-30 12:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"My friend Richard -- he is the type of guy who fluctuates with the seasons so far a religions go"
nope, wrong son... i have never once doubted christianity since my MANY experiences with Christ. not just that "acid trip experience"
"He claims to have found God while in the midst of a particularly bad acid trip." lol, yeah, and lets not mention the counless other experiences while NOT on acid. but nevermind that.
pretty good read, although most of it was fiction :)
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-28 03:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Avals: I think by now the name "Satan" falls into the public domain. Any trademarks that might have existed have long ago expired. I'll have my lawyer look into this."
Your lawyer? (Pulls out a notebook marked "Contracts" and browses through it.) This one? That's your lawyer isn't it? I own his soul you know... I own all of their souls.
How can my trademarks have expired? What, you think I'm not with the times? I think you're thinking about God here, 'cause I'm as hip as they come. PUNY MORTAL YOUR SOUL IS MINE! YOU WILL SUFFER ETERNALLY IN THE BLISTERING PITS OF HELL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I... get overexcited sometimes. Anyway, trademarks are totally up to date, you can have your puny worthless lawyer check it out.
Signed,
Mr. Lucifer B. Satan.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-28 00:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, Mick's post what whoop-ass! Nothing like pissing off the conventionally-minded, except maybe embarassing them in the process!
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-08-27 23:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He said he felt the presence of the devil, just then, MickGinny stood up and said "I am most definitely the devil, Satan, the prince of darkness. But you (as I patted the lad on the head while his mother stared at me horrified) can call me Bubba > its short for Beelzebub> my Christian name"
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-27 22:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-27 21:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Religion.
Bah!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-27 21:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-27 21:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.electrictoothsyndrome.com
still in the works
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-27 21:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Free hosting...and outdated as hell. Try this instead: www.electrictoothsyndrome.com. This is where it's moving to. He's right, get your blocker ready.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-27 21:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:26:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Avals: I think by now the name "Satan" falls into the public domain. Any trademarks that might have existed have long ago expired. I'll have my lawyer look into this.
Fetish: Fetish, Fetish, Fetish....you will get yours. One day very soon, you will get yours.
---
You working on another fake fetish post?
Btw, your website sucks more than mine, Brad.
Be carefull of the popups folks: http://www.angelfire.com/indie/electrictooth/
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-08-27 21:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see Fetish wants to be like me again.
Submitted by StabkiIl (user info) at 2004-08-27 21:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Pure munky shit.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-27 21:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Once more around...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-27 19:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Avals: I think by now the name "Satan" falls into the public domain. Any trademarks that might have existed have long ago expired. I'll have my lawyer look into this.
Fetish: Fetish, Fetish, Fetish....you will get yours. One day very soon, you will get yours.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-27 17:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"How 'bout "Angel of Light"? That's the translation of 'Lucifer'. Can I use that?"
What?! No! Angel of Light, Morning Star, Light Giver ... Jesus Christ, no, you cannot use any of my names! They're all copyrighted; you can check. I swear to God (God? Is that right? Am I allowed to swear to God? Oh fuck it, since when do I care?), you infringe on my copyrights one more time and I'm gonna slam you with such a lawsuit your soul won't even begin to cover the reparations you'll be forced to pay me.
Believe me... I have access to some excellent lawyers. (Where else do you think they go when they die?)
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-27 17:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Disclaimer: My -2 is true.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-27 16:10:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. I want to learn some "tongues" swear words.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-27 16:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Totally_useless: Check my profile. You'll see the rest of the "Art of Being an Asshole" posts. Or, did you mean more of my luscious cock??? Oh, sorry.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:35:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this, but I should -2 you just for daring to claim YOU are the Devil, when everyone knows that -I- am really the Prince of Darkness; the Lord of Flies; the Master of Chaos; Lucifer; Beelzebub; Satan®.
Now stop using my goddamned name or I'll sue you for copyright infringement.
----------------------------------
How 'bout "Angel of Light"? That's the translation of 'Lucifer'. Can I use that?
umm............RAAAAWWWWWWRRRR!
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great stuff!
Gimme' more!
We need to trip. Begin your pilgrimage to the East Coast. Call me when you reach NJ.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this, but I should -2 you just for daring to claim YOU are the Devil, when everyone knows that -I- am really the Prince of Darkness; the Lord of Flies; the Master of Chaos; Lucifer; Beelzebub; Satan®.
Now stop using my goddamned name or I'll sue you for copyright infringement.
Submitted by retarded_ape123 (user info) at 2004-08-27 15:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have sperm on my index finger
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-27 14:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This happened several years ago. Most of this post is true except for the ending obviously. The guy actually said he felt the Devil was there that day, and I DID know he was talking about me. After the service my friend Richard told me that it was not anything like it usually was...
This got me seriously thinking about the possibility that church sucked every time I ever went because my very presence made it suck. I haven't been to church of any kind since that day except my sister's wedding. And I will never go again.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-27 14:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, ease up- I'm a prophet...
+2 for a very well written, fun post.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'Smurfs' went religious taday too....weird! http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=109362388089503453
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Score one for The Son of Perdition.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed. Those guys are NUTS.
They are the kind the give you funny looks in public if you look different. Then, if you approach them and start to fuck with them saying shit like "We are going to win." and "The time is near." they will start shouting scripture at you.
Of course, you won't want to have a scene on your hands so you leave and then they think that by shouting scripture, they saved themselves from the devil.
Hilarious fucks.
(Look for women with ultra-long hair and wearing dresses down to their ankles. It is against god's will to cut your hair, apparently.)
Also, these people will never go to a public beach. They swim only with same-sex people....probably in a pool within the walls of safety from their church recreation building...) What fun is THAT? Fuck that gay shit...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-27 13:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually listen to the Penacostals more than the other religious groups because they entertain my sick and twisted humor.