If..................... (834 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.5 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Andy Barr <zanz38.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2002-08-27 10:17:19 EDT
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing manoeuvres such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off
and i belive this is an oldie!!
A Week in the Life Of an IT Engineer
MONDAY 8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...
8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm Lunch
3:30 pm Return from lunch.
3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
TUESDAY 8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 am Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
WEDNESDAY 8:30 am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00 am Lunch.
4:55 pm Return from lunch.
5:00 pm Shift change; Going home.
THURSDAY 8:00 am New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45 am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
FRIDAY 8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 am Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopaedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 am Lunch.
1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm Finish changing foreground colour in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-20 16:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 I'm selling my muthafucking house biyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacthes.
And Chelsea won the FA cup.
Life is sweet right now.
BLUE IS THE FUCKING COLOUR, BABY!!!!!!!
Are you out there Stagger_Lee????
I can hear you breathing.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/fa_cup/6649815.stm
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
Did I mention I'm selling my house?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-05-20 15:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
never funny
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-03-27 15:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
blah blah blah
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2003-03-27 15:10:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well it may be to people that have not read it before.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-03-27 15:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's fun, but Yid is right, I remember getting this about 5 years ago, I just can't remember what it was they compared microsoft to - I know it wasn't GM... either way, I didn't bust a gut laughing then either, and shit, that's a LOT of reading. Nap time.
Loren
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2003-03-27 14:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
way to recycle old mail. This stuff is old & not particularly inspiring.
Submitted by Hardak (user info) at 2003-03-27 14:10:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as hell!
Submitted by Zanz38 (user info) at 2002-08-28 07:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice!
Submitted by ted turnip <hello> at 2002-08-28 06:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mr Z Bar
Your post made me smile and remindered me of the below also insightful look at a IT / peoplesoft programmers day enjoy !!!
Ted
Bastard PeoplePerson From Hell #1:
On Why Payrises are good
The wonderful thing about being a PeoplePerson is the wide skill set that you
can pick up over a huge functional breadth.
Which is another way of saying that a PeoplePerson has an equivalent amount of
specialist knowledge to the amount of luck a rabbit that *was* caught in the
headlights had, but who now has its large intestine wrapped around the axle of
the rear wheels. Bunny Brains of course, going *shlop*shlop*shlop* in the wheel
treads.
However, there's a few key skills that can be picked up to give the appearance
of worthiness.
"Simon. The Personnel director only got fifty pence in his paypacket again this
payday. You need to sort this out, otherwise YOU'LL get hauled up. Why is it
only him, anyway..?" mental note, it won't be next payday....
"We-ell. I've done a thorough investigation, and it looks as though ---
tap-tappety tap as I update the audit table's OPRIDs for the last week relating
to the Personnel Director, to the cocky new student who's just joined the
payroll department... "Yes, the audit log for last week seems to show someone
put in 50p by mistake. Must have duplicated the mistake from last month.
Terrible terrible terrible."
The IS director scowls, and walks off. It's as if he doesn't trust me...
Helpdesk as a PeoplePerson is particularly rewarding.
For example,
*ring*ring*ring*ring* at least ONE ring longer than the company standard, to
demonstrate the ability to think independently.
"Good morning, Payovertheoddsuckers.com, IS Department, Development and Support
Division, Dossaroundontheinternet insteadofsupportingpeoplesoft team, Simon
speaking, how may I help you?" A smile stretches over my teeth in something
resembling a death mask, giving the net "I'd rather cut my own throat rather
than deal with you, piss off" effect intended.
"Errrm.. wrong number."
Quick as lightning. "Who would you like to speak to? Perhaps I can look the
number up for you and redirect you." Again, company policy shines through as
caring and compassion for the customer.
"Oh, okay. I'm after the processing department. I need to raise a purchase
order, but I can't get into PeopleSoft."
"Ah, " ever-helpful. "I'll just need to redirect you. What's your extension
number?"
The fool gives it to me. "Can you hold" I say, giving me enough time to get my
morning's exercise - nip up to the switchboard room, collect my faxes for cheap
computers made in the back of some lad's bedroom from spare parts nicked from
the company last week, and flatter the lovely operator ladies, whilst I
surreptitiously lean over and redirect the central switchboard number to the
man's extension.
Quick as a flash, I'm back at my desk again. "Okay. Sorry for the delay. You
need to speak to the Operators. Just dial hash-9 and this number "... I give him
the number to forward the phone to the Payroll Director "... and that should get
you through."
The internet's off-line again, no calls, so I need to amuse myself somehow. A
quick update of the OPRID file to append an 'x' to everyone's operator ID messes
up both security and logins nicely.... Phone off hook for a minute, then take
the 'x' off again with another update - there, nothing wrong. Phone back on hook
and...
"I can't login...."
"Really? What's you Operator ID?"
"Is that the same as my buyer ID?"
Oh good. A novice.
"Right, What's your name?"
I look up her name, salary, audit trail, and mobile number. Payroll details -
yes, as I thought. Since joining the payroll dept, she'd had a salary rise six
times in as many months, all updated by the Payroll manager. By the time she's
on maternity leave in - oh what a coincidence - three months time, she'll
probably be as wealthy as the MD.
"Phones seem quiet up there."
"Yes - amazing, they all stopped ten minutes ago, except..."
"NO I'M NOT THE PURCHASING DEPARTMENT. WHAT THE F**!*" Ooh, terrible example
for a Payroll Director to set.
I settle down to listen to the performance along with the Payroll Dept, proving
my multi-tasking skills by accidentally logging in as the operator, and printing
off a copy of her salary history on the Audit Department's printer. Oops!
A good day's work, I think to myself, as I depart the office, passing the rather
glum-looking Payroll Director's car, into which he is depositing several boxes
of personal possessions.
"Leaving us?" I say brightly. "Oh well, perhaps the next director will take IS
pay rises a *little* more seriously!"
Amazing how violent a cheeky wink can make someone become. The lawsuit should
more than cover the backpay from the payrise I should have got several months
ago.
Ah, life. Now it's just the Finance Director to sort out...
Bastard PeoplePerson From Hell #2: On Budgetary Constraints
My turn on the schedule-checking rota today.
This gives me the opportunity of using my masterly schedule-checking tool, which
uses an automated neuro-mechanical algorithm for discovering projected timings
with inbuilt tolerance for stochastic variance.
Roughly translated, I click on a button, it copies yesterdays timings, and
changes them all slightly to make them look convincing. This labour-saving device
saves a good hour, leaving time for a bit of essential maintenance work
(downloading MP3s and ripping them onto CDs).
Halfway through burning the latest pornfest film obtained through a little-known
Danish web site ("Busty women, come ride my missile"), well blow me (ahem) if
Lotus Notes doesn't pop up a helpful little message saying "New Mail", followed
shortly by "I've f***ed up your CD" and after much cursing, replying with
another little grey ditty, saying "Okay, I will go f**k myself, then", promptly
crashing like the American stockmarket.
After much rebooting (I do miss the days when the box was on the floor, and
rebooting meant something slightly more literal), I tentatively start Notes
again, and there's the little red header line, glowing proudly with the
message "Project Problem".
Project Problem. I'll give them project problem. What's the matter with picking
up the phone, getting the problem logged properly and professionally by the help
desk, and having it ignored for three months due to workload constraints, like
everybody else?
Turns out that Projects' purchase orders didn't reverse, so of course (because
it's sooooooo urgent) they've done it manually themselves, to make sure next
time, the overnight job will crash some more, until eventually... well, we've
overdone the stars and stripes theme already...
Retribution for wiping Mimi, the little Asian babe who packs a loaded weapon,
before she could make it to my CD-Writer. Retribution for making me speak harsh
words to Lotus Notes, in full knowledge of it's shaky emotional status.
Retribution for being a user of PeopleSoft, where "People" is the unspoken P***** word. And worst of all, for not knowing their rightful userish place.
Drastic measures. I pick up the phone with one hand, the other navigating its
way to the appropriate budgetary constraints screen in PeopleSoft, firing up
SQL*Plus to again ready my global updating finger muscles to terrible, terrible
effect.
"Hello," the voice says irritably, as if I could transmit my disease through the
electrical impulses that separate us via the telephone line. "I'm the Projects
Manager."
"Hello, " I answer kindly. "I'm a PeopleSoft Person, and I have to purvey some
perfectly poorly news, my patron."
Silence.
"By manually putting in reversals," ... UPDATE budgets ... " i'm afraid " ....
SET budget_value ... "(as we *have* mentioned numerous times in the past) " ...
= -budget_value ... "you have swapped all pluses in your budgets to minuses"
.... COMMIT ...." which will unfortunately take ".... ENTER! ... "several days
to rectify...."
Silence, as I leave precious moments for the ramifications to sink home.
...
...
"Hello. Are you there?"
A quiet, wispy voice says, "But i'm due to pull off my project planning reports
for the year's major acquisitions this afternoon for the board... What... What
do I do?"
Oh smug, smug smug. In my mind ****kiss your ass and hope you disappear quickly
up it**** but on the telephone, "I'm sure they'll understand if you explain
that it's a recurring systems issue perpetuated by your team despite repeated warnings.
They're very understanding like that, particularly where tens of millions of
pounds of expenditure and tight deadlines are concerned. Any other problems to
report?"
I finally got around to ripping my CD, but it cuts severely into my on-line games
and leading-on-coming-out-gays-before-taunting-them-mercilessly-in-chat-rooms
time, so I didn't feel too guilty when the ambulance drew up later that day,
carrying out the Projects manager on a stretcher.
"It's his heart," explained a bystander. "I guess the pressure got to him."
Ah well, if you can't take the heat... Don't F**k with the BPFH...
My only regret is that he pipped the Finance Manager to the post.
Ho hum, two down...
Submitted by AestusAltus (user info) at 2002-08-27 10:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny stuff.