I Was Raped By A Midget With Donkey Arms And All I Got Was This Crappy Hat (3006 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.67 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by harmlessness (View user info) at 2004-08-27 23:40:27 EDT
The other day, I was out riding around with a few friends. This is somewhat of a rare occurrence for me, being as I don't have much in terms of transportation to see friends. The driver, Eddy, is a fairly levelheaded guy. Good grades in school, clean police record, and wealthy parents all contributed to the fact that he owns a very nice car. A 1969 Z28 Camaro, restored from a deathtrap bucket of rust to a shiny black convertible speed demon.
So we're roaring down Ocean Parkway, top down, wind blowing in our hair. The stereo is pumping Guns 'N' Roses' hit song, "Paradise City." After much deliberation, it was decided that we would go to a club. Now, since we are all under the magical age of 18, we can't go to just any club. We went to an under-18 club.
I'm not going to reveal the name of the club, and you'll see why later in the story.
We park the car, get out, and walk in. I don't exactly know why, but there are bouncers at the door. Big, burly bouncers dressed in expensive-looking Wal-Mart suits. As I walk past the biggest one, he grabs me by the shoulder, rather roughly, and says to me:
"Hey, kid. You're not gonna cause any trouble, are ya?"
"No way, man, I'm just here to have fun." I start to get a little worried.
"Good. 'Cause, ya know, we don't need no trouble here." He let go of my shoulder.
I guess I should have alerted me to the fact that trouble isn't unknown to this club. In fact, as I walked through the second set of doors, I saw another huge, burly guy in a gray pinstripe suit dragging a teenager towards the door. The kid was struggling to break free, but there was no chance of that.
As I walked further into the big building, the thump from the trance music was becoming more and more unbearable. I don't particularly like loud, repetitive beats. It's just not my thing. I walked past two girls on a chair making out. Normally, I would've stopped and gawked at the show, but for some reason, I didn't.
I got nearly to the DJ's mixing table when I remembered what I was doing. I was looking for a vendor, a soda machine, anything. I was dying of thirst. I glanced to my left and tried to keep myself from doing a double take at what I saw.
*Note: I'm not particularly short. I stand 6'2" and I weigh about 165-170 lbs.
A very tall girl hobbled over to me. She seemed to be about 17 years old, but she had big, red hair. Like Peggy Bundy. I struggled not to call her "Pookie" and start insulting her. She stopped a few feet away from me. She reached down as if to pull her long overcoat apart. "Score!" I thought to myself, watching her play with the buttons. She looked up-- directly at me.
I felt my face redden, the burning sensation tearing at my conscience like a rabid, flagrantly homosexual aardvark. She smirked at me and re-fastened the buttons that she had just undone.
Something about this girl, however subtle, really scared me. Maybe it was the fact that she had seductively reached down to the bottom of her overcoat without actually bending over.
She walked closer to me, put her pointer finger out as if to do the "come here" motion, and started rubbing my chin. "Oh, nooo," I thought, "this CAN'T be good." I started to back away, stumbling into people as I went. As she drew nearer, my mind fumbled around to find the decision-making lobe. No luck. She was drawing closer and closer when ol' mindey finally found the necessary love and quickly switched it on.
"RUN," my brain screamed at my body, "RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!"
The command registered in my legs just as she grabbed me around my neck. I struggled to break free, but the long arms wrapped around my neck like a boa constrictor. She dragged me towards the side door, one hand over my mouth muffling my screams. I kicked and flailed madly, knocking a few people aside.
Once she finally got me outside, she handcuffed me. Then she took a gag out of her purse and wrapped it around my head, the plastic ball nearly suffocating me. Next, she dragged me to her car, a white Chevrolet Suburban. She somehow managed to roll my flailing body into the back, using bungey-cords to restrict my movement—and my blood flow.
Some time later, I woke up. I was lying, still bound, on a concrete floor. Around me, I saw various items. Terrifying items. Whips. Chains. Some contraptions that I had never dreamed of, thankfully.
"MMMBTTHHHSHRHFF," I said through the gag.
*CA-RACK!*
I cringed as I felt the leather whip hit the side of my head.
"SHUT UP, SLAVE!"
I whimpered as the welts formed across my cheek. I could only imagine what was to come next.
Wait.
She began to untie me.
Droplets of hope began to form on my little window.
"STAND UP, SLAVE!"
"Gee, you know.. You really don't have to yell all the time.."
"SHUT UP, SLAVE!"
I felt that something was about to happen. Something big. I began to look around me for something to grab. Something to defend myself with, preferably. Everything I saw looked soft, and thus useless. I backed up slowly towards the thick wooden table. As soon as I felt my back hit the table, I reached behind me, desperately searching for something.
I found it. Something hard. Something flat. Was it an axe?
No, no. It was a hat. One of the ghetto baseball caps that the ghetto thugs wear. The ones with the flat bills.
I grabbed it by the back and began swinging the hard bill at her. As it made contact with her face, she stumbled and fell backwards. Her legs separated from her bod—wait.. what? She struggled to free herself from the overcoat, and when she did, I gazed, dazed and confused, down at her. About 3'5" and hideous. It seemed as if all of her tacky makeup got smeared over her face when she fell.
I remained standing there, too confused to run.
"What? Do you think it's funny?"
I tried to stifle a giggle as I replied—"Uh... No?"
"You try getting laid when you're my size! It's NOT EASY!"
This time, I failed at stifling a guffaw, and tried to reply, "Oh, well.. AHAHHA! I'm sor---HAHAHAHHH!"
Folks, let me tell you. Nothing is more painful than having a midget headbutt you in the family jewels.
NOTHING.
I got out of there as fast as possible.
When I finally made my way back to the club and told my friends the completely true [read: untrue] story, they didn't believe me.
Oh well, at least I got to keep the hat.
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-01 18:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ONly a one, cause of the Yankmee hat.
Submitted by MidgetPorn <no.at.email.com> at 2004-09-10 03:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://midget-porn.fredporn.com/
Submitted by Midget Porn <no.at.email.com> at 2004-09-10 03:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Did someone <a href="http://midget-porn.fredporn.com/">say midget porn</a>?
Now that is hilarious!
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-09-06 19:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40455 - Lindsay Lohan completely fucking naked!
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-29 02:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Get on MSN dude.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-08-29 02:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see that dickhead is spamming with my name again...That's cool.
I wonder if he'll be upset when his phone number goes up on some gay websites.
Submitted by StabkiII (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DoctorMonoculous (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:38:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Doctor Monoculous disapproves of AvrilLaPete spamming this guy's posts.
Submitted by StabkiIl (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by shittoast (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:36:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by StabkilI (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by bitch (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:33:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FetishII (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Fetish_Fucking_Sucks (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:34:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DoctorMonoculous (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doctor Monoculous disapproves of AvrilLaPete spamming this guy's posts.
Submitted by seppuku_disaster (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shittoast (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fetish_Fucking_Sucks (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bitch (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChickenTaco (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You wish!
Submitted by OrangeBeans (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:00:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Doubt it.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-28 13:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-28 04:24:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Liar!
-------------------
Nuh-uh!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-08-28 11:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-28 05:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-28 04:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Liar!
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2004-08-28 02:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-08-28 02:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whaaaat?
Love,
Peepoepoewitz
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-28 02:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I banged her too.
[read: I didn't bang her]
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-28 01:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very clever!!!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-08-28 01:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Did you happen to get the digits of this diminutive dominatrix? She sounds like barrels of fun.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-08-28 00:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaahahhahahaha!!!!!
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-28 00:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heheh...very disturbing, but lovable. I'd just punched her in the twat.
...lovable???
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-28 00:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ross, you owe me NOSSING!
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-08-28 00:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IOU one nigh of unabashed loving
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-28 00:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was me.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-08-27 23:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Yanks!
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-27 23:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She could make a killing on the internet. Creepy people love midget porn.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-27 23:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-27 23:46:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
our converation
fuckwit.
-----
obviously, ross.
you're sooo goddamn drunk.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-27 23:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A trip down surreal lane.
Submitted by beancat (user info) at 2004-08-27 23:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're right... very disturbing. Mental evaluation disturbing. Lock you away in a rubber room disturbing. I'm so proud you're mine.
Love.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-27 23:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
our converation
fuckwit.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-27 23:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by druneken sublime at 2004-08-27 23:43:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck you, grow tits
---------------
...?
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-08-27 23:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
the title is supposed to be "donkey kong arms"
Submitted by druneken sublime at 2004-08-27 23:43:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck you, grow tits