Traumatizing Vacations with Mom and Dad: Please don’t have sex while I’m in the room (1375 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Glitch Cow (View user info) at 2004-08-28 13:31:21 EDT
Though the word vacation would imply some sort of consent, in actuality I was dragged kicking and screaming against my will to the upper peninsula of Michigan a week or so ago with my parents. The road trip and four days in a beautiful old hotel far removed from civilization added up to what is quite possibly the most time I have spent with my mother since I was in the uterus, and with my father since I was...not in the uterus.
This all may seem fine and dandy, but sharing a room with your meaning-well but always slightly off mother and father for a week is as close to hell as you can get without getting stuck in an elevator with Michael Jackson and George Bush.
For instance, one would suspect that any sort of fooling around would be off limits. It seems that any sense of decency would preclude this. However, as I lay in my bed at 11 pm, headphones turned onto high volume to drown out the Canadian coverage of the Olympics (yes, we were that far north), I heard suspicious whisperings.
"I don't think that she'll hear us...she has her headphones on"
"Maybe just a little bit...isn't there a Jacuzzi here though?"
"I CAN HEAR YOU FOR CHRISSAKES!!!"
Embarrassment ensued.
The next day, as we drove further north, my panic heightened as I turned on my cell phone to be greeted by the message "SEM SERVICO" (I have my phone set in Portugese due to the fact that "TECLADO LIBERADO!" is a much more cheerful and satisfying alert than "KEYS UNLOCKED!").
We were officially so far out of the way of all civilization that I no longer had cell phone service, no longer had a way to reach back into normality and save my soul. There was no turning back now.
To add insult to injury, my parents soon found out that somehow their daughter had managed to grow up without learning how to properly cut her own meat, or open her own doors.
It's not that I'm spoiled...more that I'm somewhat retarded. I don't wait around for people to cut my meat or open doors for me, instead I avoid steak, stab my chicken with a knife and pick it up and eat it caveman style, and walk straight into doors, particularly glass ones. These are my secrets, no one was supposed to find this out, but it's rather hard to hide this from your parents when you have no escape. By the second day, I had already walked through a screen door.
I, in turn, found out far more about my mother and father than I would have ever liked to know. Halfway through the week, my father dropped this gem on me:
"There used to be a taxidermy badge in the Boy Scouts, you know that? And I lived near the woods, so I got really into it."
"Dad...what?"
"Well, you know. First I killed them, then I stuffed them!"
Heartwarming, isn't it?
One day my mother and I decided to take a side trip to a beach nearby. She apparently can't drive automatic. Yes, that's right folks, she can manage stick shift, but in no way can she drive an automatic. Against my better judgment, I let her drive anyway. Ten minutes into our journey, the most horrible smell began to emanate from our car. We soon found that she had been driving with the emergency brake on the entire time.
I was reminded of Mitch Hedburg's comedy bit:
"I do not know why they call it an emergency brake. I once drove twenty miles with the emergency brake on. It is really an emergency make the car smell really funny lever."
Dear god.
When we got back to the hotel, I was treated to a reminiscing about cars long gone.
"Remember our 1972 Plymouth Fury?"
"Oh yeah, the green machine!"
"I thought we called it the lead sled."
"Remember how you used to drive it very fast, backwards, the wrong way down our one way street?"
"Well I sure as hell didn't want to drive all the way around the block to park!"
I love you Mom and Dad...
User Reviews
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-08-30 21:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the fuck did you get that name from?
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-30 21:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-29 07:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by charger (user info) at 2004-08-28 21:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Be nice - you might be a parent some day.
Submitted by gassygirl73 (user info) at 2004-08-28 18:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to +1 this, it is good and I smiled - But since Shitfuck got naked I got excited and a +2 ensued.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-08-28 18:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-08-28 18:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Meh, sounds like bullshit.
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-08-28 17:41:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-28 17:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me? High standards? Haha indeed.
So how 'bout that fucking?
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-08-28 17:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WOW at strawberryfanatic...that's terrifying!
Avals, you sure have high standards, haha.
Or are you onto something, eh?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-28 16:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh well.
So... wanna fuck? Wait, that came out all wrong. What I meant to say was: wanna fuck?
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2004-08-28 15:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Weak.
Your situation could be a lot worse. Once I was camping with my mom and her boyfriend in a tiny pop up camper and they were doing it while they thought I was sleeping. Can you say "eeewwww"?
Submitted by AvrilLaPete (user info) at 2004-08-28 15:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She couldn't drive an automatic. That is hilarious. Mainly because I can't imagaine that.
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-08-28 14:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I had lunch in Michiggame! Or however you spell that.
And avals, I have NO IDEA.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-28 14:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Parents...gotta love 'em.....so they tell me.
Pretty entertaining post.
I once drove 10 miles in the snow with my emergency brake on. The back tires just kinda slid along not turning. I thought it was just really slick snow and ice, I guess. I didn't notice it till I got home and went to put it in park. Sure enough, there it was sticking straight up in the air like a metal boner.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-28 14:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-28 14:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor thing.
Only one question: what the fuck does leaving the emergency brake on have to do with being unable to drive automatic? Last I checked, stick shifts have the same fucking handle between the front seats.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-08-28 14:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.
I'd gouge out my eyes if my parents ever had sex with me in the room.
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-08-28 13:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cool. I live in a little bumfuck nowhere town called Michigamme (pronounced mi-shi-gaw-mee).
im only thirty miles from L'anse. In fact, you probably drove right by my town.
It may be pretty, but it doesnt make up for the fact that its like canada. Canada on a sunday. All the time. And if Canada was a tiny peninsula that nobody even remembered was there.
If canada was like that, it'd be the Upper Peninsula.
Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-08-28 13:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
We went up to the keweenaw, by eagle harbor and copper harbor.
It's really beautiful there, I've been up almost every year since I was born.
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2004-08-28 13:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey. i live in the upper peninsula of michigan. where'd you go?
And yes, it really is the middle of fucking nowhere.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-08-28 13:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarity ensued. I'm naked.