Sully Vs. Wal-Mart (Conclusion) (1269 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.54 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sully (View user info) at 2004-08-29 00:25:52 EDT
Continued from http://www.ubersite.com/m/42941
Everything went in slow-mo at this point. I dove from fifteen feet away and the ranger and his friend turned their heads slowly as I made my way inch by inch through the air. They both were slammed to the ground and into the useless eye-care center that no one seems to ever go into, as I clothes-lined both at once. The shotgun and slush spun for a moment in midair and plummeted. At the speed of light, only hundreds of times slower, I grabbed the blue slush, chugged it, threw the empty plastic cup, and still managed to catch the shotgun before it hit the ground. I've had enough of Wal-Mart. It was time for some revenge.
Dropping to one knee, I spun around in a second, and starting firing into the crowds of people around registers buying unnecessary junk like oven mitts and overrated cd's. A cop ran towards me with his pistol drawn.
"Put the piece down! No one likes a hero. Unless it's Batman. You're not Batman. Drop the gun and kick it over here," I said as I pointed the barrel directly at him.
He looked to be roughly 40 years old and about 380 pounds. Surely he wouldn't last more than a year or so anyway, so why not end it for him now? His gun remained in his shaking grip. He was sweating like Nixon's pig and jittering as if he had just eaten Michael J. Fox. A splotch of liquid appeared on his crotch as he pissed himself. Sympathy overcame me. I felt sorry for this guy, as he just urinated and it was now running down his massive thighs. How shameful that this man had become a police officer to defend the world of evil and represent bravery and valor and he had just wet himself in front of a hundred Wal-Mart customers...
BOOM ch-cht
"Better luck next life, asshole," I said as I ended his existence. During this little fiasco, tons of people ran out of the store screaming as my attention was occupied.
"Aw, dammit," I said and bolted towards the entrance. I started firing into the sea of terrified customers and waggots as they tried to escape my wrath.
Five minutes later, everyone in the doorways and register area of Wal-Mart had either been killed or had escaped. It was silent and empty. I walked slowly past the registers and down an aisle, shotgun over my shoulder. There were noises of chatter and shopping cart wheels screeching in the distance. This place was so big that I was sure that most of the store didn't even know what had happened.
My crazy bastard smile faded from my face and I stopped in my tracks. What the hell am I doing, I thought. I'm going to go on a murderous assault and kill hundreds of innocent people who just happen to crave decent prices. That's not fair, not fair at all. Their lives don't need to be ended just because I hate a monopolistic chain of super-stores. I held the shotgun in front of me and stared at it in bewilderment. How such a tool, originally meant for hunting, can be used for such terrible sins. A saying came to mind that calmed my discomposure: People don't kill people; guns do. Well, something like that, I couldn't remember what it was exactly.
"AAAAAHHHHRRRAAAA!!!!" I let out a battlecry and ran deep into the jungle...
7 hours later.
Corpses littered the floors like bile at a frat party. The blood of others was sprayed all over my clothes and stained my face.
A male waggot ran past me, arms flailing trying to make it to the protection of the clothes racks in men's wear.
BOOM ch-cht. Too slow.
That had been my first victim in several minutes. My most kills came in the first few hours; the people were getting harder to find, but I knew that there were still many stragglers.
I headed into men's wear. The air reeked of human. Old human.
BOOM ch-cht.
A circular stand lined with clothes on hangers exploded from my shot and an old lady fell to the ground, dead.
All of a sudden I heard clapping and footsteps. I turned to see the ninja from electronics standing about twenty yards away, giving me an applause.
"Well done, friend, well done. I have observed the bedlam you have caused, and I can honestly say that I am impressed. But the fun is just beginning," said my foe in a stereotypical Asian accent. He unsheathed his katana from its holster strapped to his back. He started walking towards me.
"I'm not your friend, ninja, and I don't need your acceptance," I said and started walking towards him also, with the shotgun aimed.
Both of us broke into a run. The ninja leaped thirty feet above me.
BOOM ch-cht. I hit nothing but a whole lot of air.
Three Chinese Ninja stars rained down on me. THWAP, THWAP. I batted the first two with my gun. The third hit my weapon at a different angle, cutting off about eight inches of the barrel. With my newly sawed-off shotgun, I swung it around my hand to reload it, as an homage to Arnie in Terminator 2, and blasted my enemy in the mid-section, sending him sprawling into a rack of backpacks. This whole thing happened while the ninja was still in the air.
"See, motherfucker? In a pirate/ninja battle the pirate always wins. Firearms beat swords and stars any day," I said, walking towards him.
"Ha! I laugh at the face of your ignorance. To defeat oneself physically is only a third of the endeavor and ultimately you have not defeated me. A ninja's soul lives on through..."
BOOM ch-cht
I continued on through the store, killing some more laggards here and there.
I paused for a second and realized that I had probably fired the shotgun at least two thousand times without ever reloading slugs. Also, where were the police? Surely someone had called 911, right? Questioning impossibilities and absurdities is useless, I reasoned. All that matters is I took out my revenge on Wal-Mart and that's that.
I arrived to the cereal aisle and there was a guy standing at the end, without hiding or anything, looking at a box. What the hell?
"Hey buddy, if you haven't noticed, I'm wrecking this whole place and killing anyone in my path, and you happen to be in my..." I stood aghast when the guy turned around and I saw that it was Ray Liotta. "Oh shit, nevermind. Carry on."
I decided that my revenge had been carried out. I had lost track after my 800th kill and my interest in blasting chumps passed. What was I seeking vengeance of, you may ask. In simplest terms, up yours, I don't know. I just hate Wal-Mart.
I got back to Elisha who was sleeping in the car. The time was exactly 8:48am, August 15, 2004. Before I had left Wal-Mart, I had made my way to the secret security room and disposed of all the security film of me killing all those people. Now all the evidence left was in the minds of the escapees. I would've somehow tracked down every single person and made sure that their mouths were eternally quieted but that's just tedious and I was too tired.
Elisha woke up with a yawn and looked at the car clock. "What the hell? You were in Wal-Mart for twelve hours and you didn't even get the stuff? And why are you soaked in blood?"
"Long story. Let's just go to Target."
User Reviews
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-06 08:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-01-25 17:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blast, Wal Mart!
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-09-15 20:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skatergrl (user info) at 2004-09-04 20:47:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Now, this SUCKS
-2
That looks like a 0 to me, Miss Generic Username.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-09-12 20:29:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I CRAVE MORE
Submitted by skatergrl (user info) at 2004-09-04 20:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now, this SUCKS
-2
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it didn't count if I had already posted before...I'll test it on this
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Walrus you crazy sea mammal. It's nice that you defended me but that 0 drops my rating.
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-29 21:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I fail to understand how this is copying maddox, millions of hate posts around the world had been written before Maddox became the internet hate god. If someone can give me a link to a maddox article where he goes into a walmart and ruthlessly kills hundreds of people, then maybe I'd agree with you. And the pirate thing doesn't count, because obviously if you write something like this than you're a pirate.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-29 20:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your opinion doesn't matter unless you login.
Submitted by ChrisMurray at 2004-08-29 20:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
u shouldve gotten rid of that shadow though 'cos it looks like someones takin the pic
Submitted by ChrisMurray at 2004-08-29 20:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture alone is priceless hahahaa
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-29 19:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know what's more annoying, you comparing me to Maddox, or you not responding to my rebuttals.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-29 08:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wiggles you dirty immigrant. I already talked about that in the Part 1 of this. Other than the whole pirate thing I don't see what the similaries are. List them.
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-08-29 03:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass (+2)
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2004-08-29 02:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is pretty well-written, and somewhat amusing. However, I can't help but agree that the similarities to Maddox are striking and plentiful.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-08-29 02:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You amuse me.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2004-08-29 02:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, but the point is not that I kicked a ninja's ass, the point is that I stormed a Wal-Mart with a shotgun and killed hundreds of people for no fucking reason. That only happens once every decade or so.
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-29 01:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whenever a pirate kicks a ninjas ass it gets a +2 in my book
Submitted by mr.awesome (user info) at 2004-08-29 00:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm... Sounds like a typical day for Maddox. Otherwise, awesome!