Things to do while abroad (531 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.67 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mr. Awesome <steveisgreat.at.rock.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-29 02:43:18 EDT
People often wonder where I get all my cool stuff. "Wow," they say. "A dried silverback corpse? Where did you get this?"
"Oh, that. A little place I like to call THE JUNGLE!" The inquirer is knocked flat by my announcement. But you can get anything, if you travel long enough. The trick is making friends to help you find the stuff (I bought a ticket for the silverback and pretended like it was my brother, in case you were wondering).
Tip #1: When flying to or from Africa, make sure to use "nigger" in your conversations a lot. The locals will be impressed by the guts it takes to insult them in every other word when there are probably a few dozen black people around you at any given time. Also, be sure to tell them not to touch them; you don't want the AIDS to get all over your hands. In case of accidental contact, be sure to run to a sink and wask your hands.
Tip#2: The German people are amused when a foriegner brings up WWII. Those crazy Krauts especially like it when you bring up the concentration camps. Although they have a "Democratic" government, don't let this fool you! Thier core is composed of chewy Nazi taffy!
Tip #3: When in Germany or Scotland, be sure to loudly comment: "This beer tastes like shit!" In Europe, shit is an ancient Germanic word that means "Ambrosia". Only in America does "shit" have such a vulgar meaning. If you need to make a joke, say that "American beers are superior is quality to all of the beers that you serve!" The whole bar will have a good laugh, knowing this isin't true.
Tip #4: Mexicans love Speedy Gonzales!
Tip#5: If you're looking for cocaine while in Colombia, ask the police! They're all somewhat corrupt, and will quickly assist you when you ask for drugs.
Tip#6: No matter where you are, people like being given advice. Wether you are in a resturant Beirut, or a hotel in Eurasia, advice from a rich important American like you is always welcome. For example:
Waiter: Do you enjoy your soup, sir?
You: Well... There should be more.
Waiter: Very well, sir, I'll get you another bowl right away.
You: Wait! I'm not done! Your Tablecloth is frayed a little right here, see? What we do in America- that's Am-er-i-ca, is that we clean and fix things. I don't know how things work here, but I'm a little disgusted by this tablecloth.
Waiter: (sighs) Thank you, sir.
You: Oh, and we usually have our menu in English, not this babble.
Waiter: Is that all sir?
You: Why don't you take U.S. currency? If it's good enough for American resturants, it should be good enough for this place, too.
*Waiter storms off*
If other patrons are staring at you, make sure to prove that, although you sounded mean you really care by taking out a big wad of money and leaving a generous tip ($1-2 is good enough), then comment that, although it was a generous enough tip for these savages, you have lots more because you just withdrew $5000 before you came to that country.
Next time: how to get things past airport security!
User Reviews
Submitted by HelloMello (user info) at 2004-09-25 21:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-29 08:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-08-29 03:18:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for sucking.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-29 06:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. Anything involving a dried silverback corpse is ok in my book.
Submitted by Shank (user info) at 2004-08-29 06:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LMAO GREAT! I can't don't know if the people where serious about being more ofended from the waiter than the other stuff but this is classic in my book!
Submitted by cigar (user info) at 2004-08-29 03:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for sucking.
Submitted by mr.awesome (user info) at 2004-08-29 02:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wasn't making fun of waiters, but the jackasses who torment them. I got the idea for that part of the post because the stories my mom would tell me about shitty customers when she worked as a waitress.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-08-29 02:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It was a +2 until you got to insulting the waiter.