I can be a rabid overachieving psycho, too. (2657 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.97 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle_muse.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-08-29 10:13:16 EDT
As a parent, there are times when coming into contact with other parents is unavoidable. I try to avoid eye contact when picking my son up from school, but these people are unable to take a hint. Over the last few years, I've realized the awful truth: Other kids' parents are fucking insane.
"Hi! I was thinking that you should bring your boy over to play with my Amy after school tomorrow!"
I grunt unintelligibly.
"Okay then! We'll meet up here and you can follow me over!"
Seth notices the look on my face when his class comes out. He takes my hand and looks at me very seriously.
"Did somebody try and talk to you again, Mum?"
"...We're going to Amy's tomorrow."
"Oh."
"Oh, don't be like that." (I never said I wasn't a hypocrite.)"It'll be fun! You like Amy, right?"
"Mum, she never stops talking. She smells funny. And I think she picks her nose and eats it."
"..Just don't lick her hands."
The following afternoon, we are dutifully present at Amy's house. Amy's over exuberant, highly excitable, wholly irritating mother ushers us in and offers me coffee. I tactfully refrain from asking for directions to the liquor cabinet and a length of hose and accept the coffee. I say "Thank you," too.
Two hours pass. Seth and Amy are happily occupied in the backyard, doing whatever kids do when their parents are only watching them with half an eye. At this point, I know more about this woman than I ever wanted to. She sells Tupperware, for fuck's sake. And has a 'Craft Circle' that meets every Thursday morning to paint terracotta tiles and arrange flowers. Oh dear merciful God, kill me before she invites me to join. Please. Just hit me in the head with something heavy.
I'm saved by the clock. She looks up and her eyes widen. "Oh, it's four thirty. Amy needs to practice her violin now."
I hear this statement with the gratitude of a lemming that's hit a safety net." Oh, we'll be going then. Seth! Come on, it's time to go! Put the bugs back under the rock, love." I already have my bag on my shoulder and my keys in my hand before she stops me.
"Oh, no. You simply must stay and hear Amy play. She's a prodigy, you know."
"Uh. Well - "I scan the surrounding area for a means of escape - fire, flood, an incoming meteor - but disaster fails to happen. I heave a mental sigh of resignation. "That would be lovely."
Ten minutes later, I'm seated on the couch, watching Amy 'play the violin'. The sounds that emanate from the tortured instrument make my eyes water. I have to keep nudging Seth to stop him from commenting. He's not tactful at the best of times, and being assaulted by the awful screeching of Amy's genius is not the best of times. I lean to her mother and murmur "She's very focused, isn't she? Is this a new piece she's learning?"
Her mother beams proudly. "Oh, no. It might sound a little different than what you're used to because Amy's gift is to interpret the music. She plays it as her emotions dictate she should, rather than adhering firmly to the 'right' way of playing it."
I smile and nod and settle back to listen to Amy's emotions. Amy needs some therapy, if you ask me. Emotions like that shouldn't exist outside locked wards.
One good thing came out of the visit. I left, determined to find the genius in my own child. I refuse to be the only non-psychotic mother in the universe. And as I was looking through the doodles my son makes in MS Paint, I realized that what I was seeing wasn't the carefree experimentation of the average seven year old. No.
My son is a prodigy.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 11:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-19 18:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And as I was looking through the DOODLES my son makes in MS Paint
---
+2 namewhore.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-11-29 19:09:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate kids and parents like that...I grew up with way to many of them.
Out of the hundreds of kids I "knew" who were so called "music prodigies", 1 went to a conservatory.
Fucking parents need to shut the fuck up and just let the kids have fun.
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-11-29 18:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kind of reminds me of that one thing from that one show (sorry) where a professional art critic mistook a 3 year old's retarded scribble for the work of a professional artist.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-05-25 04:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was gold.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-28 06:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
something just dawned on me
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-28 06:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hmmmmm
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-28 06:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-27 09:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was highly entertaining. I, too, hate parents, but I also have a strong dislike for kids.
I wanted to +1 this SO bad to see who would get pissed but I'm not in the mood for angry confrontation this am. It's Sunday.
Submitted by Emacheen (user info) at 2005-02-27 09:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah...Are those Monet's at the bottom?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-27 08:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the artistic analysis
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-14 08:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"... and hilarity ensues!" said the writer.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-11-27 02:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've met parents like that that.
At pre-school, my parents got called in for a special meeting. Aparantly, I had drawn several "bunny rabbits" that included belly-buttons. For some reason, the more detail a 4-year-old child puts into his pictures, the smarter he is. The school wanted to put me in advanced pre-school (I guess maybe learning the piano instead of just "Hot Cross Buns" on recorder.) My moms perfect comeback was "If he's such a genius, how come he can't talk?"
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-26 17:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the art critic's comments on the simple drawings.
Good post!
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-11-26 10:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2004-10-24 00:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Emotions like that shouldn't exist outside locked wards. "
*nods head in agreement*
Submitted by toddska (user info) at 2004-10-24 00:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-09-06 09:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maddox-esque, but hilarious all the same.
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-09-03 19:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the whole thing was shit except for the art critiques, which have been done before plenty of times but in a different way.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-09-03 06:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2004-09-02 23:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHA yes!
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-09-02 23:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
Am I bad for thinking that is Funny as all hell.
I guess they never heard of global warming and climate change either the pretencious bastards.
Trouble is when their wonderful dream homes are crumbling and waterlogged who will be expected to pay to fix the problem.
Aye that's it, the rest of us!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-02 22:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure they're NOTHING compared with Goldfields 'soccer moms' (American phrase, American spelling, and yes, I feel ashamed). When I was in Kal, those rich miners' wives had nothing better to do than compete via their kids.
Something that might cheer you up about the canal houses; the concrete walls of the man made canals are eroding. Give it fifty years and those multmillion dollar houses are going to be underwater.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-09-02 20:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really! I mean Really really!
Hey I like what they have been doing in Mandurah centre along the water front etc.
As far as the canal developments etc are concerned Blaaaaahhhh.
I could NEVER live in one of those areas. I reckon if you even farted everyone around the whole canal would know you just dropped one from the echoes. Heaven forbid you had nice wet noisy sex.
I live in Mt Lawley near the Walcott/St Beaufort St intersection. Inner city for me bub!
I never really told you how much I reckon this piece rocks either. My son used to go to Wesley for a while. Those Wesley Mums are something else.
Something from the planet Valium I think.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-09-02 05:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, daking. I'm in Mandurah, with the seagulls and old people.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-09-02 02:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need a nap.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-09-02 02:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
some fucking gift. what a psycho parent. my kid probably won't be good at anything. how do i know? he/she'll get it from me.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-09-02 02:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She plays it as her emotions dictate she should, rather than adhering firmly to the 'right' way of playing it."
Emotions like that shouldn't exist outside locked wards
....................................................................................................You are in WA right?
Brilliant!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-09-01 19:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-09-01 18:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was wonderful.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-08-31 14:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, if it takes one to know one...I have determined that your son is, indeed, a genius. He must take after his mother!
"Chicken" is my favorite. Worth mentioning is that your son is better than most of the people on Ubersite at MSPaint.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2004-08-30 14:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely hysterical!! Thank you!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-08-30 11:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gotta stop reading your stuff at work...
Oh god I laughed so hard I cried.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-08-30 10:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is True Arte. Genius obviously runs in your family.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2004-08-30 10:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Troubled genius.
Just wait until he starts expressing his creativity on your walls using the lesser-appreciated medium of dog poo.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-30 09:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/43278#764579
Holy shit, I don't like it but I'm starting to like you more and more. I'm so torn :/
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2004-08-30 06:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a +2 purely for this:
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-29 23:50:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-29 13:26:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't be like Filthy and whine about it, but I'm feeling a 1 here.
_________________
Why on earth would I whine about it? Your ratings never have reflected the quality of the post, and they never will. Whatever number you give out is just a barometer of how much you like or hate the person posting, or what mood you're in. They're your form of social interaction. You can say everything you need to say with a number. I doubt you even read half of what you review.
So thank you for the +1, Fetish. I'm not going to whine about it, because it doesn't matter any more than all the -2's you've given me in the past. I just wanted to let you know that.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-29 23:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-29 13:26:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't be like Filthy and whine about it, but I'm feeling a 1 here.
_________________
Why on earth would I whine about it? Your ratings never have reflected the quality of the post, and they never will. Whatever number you give out is just a barometer of how much you like or hate the person posting, or what mood you're in. They're your form of social interaction. You can say everything you need to say with a number. I doubt you even read half of what you review.
So thank you for the +1, Fetish. I'm not going to whine about it, because it doesn't matter any more than all the -2's you've given me in the past. I just wanted to let you know that.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2004-08-29 19:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant stuff. Keep it coming.
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-08-29 19:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sadly.. that kid can draw better than I can
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-29 18:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad I like this post 'cause I don't like you.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-08-29 18:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is definately the best of the day so far...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2004-08-29 15:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just reinforces my fear of getting married and having children.
If I'm ever involved in a "Craft Circle," I hope someone is kind enough to take my life.
And I think all of your posts are wonderful.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-29 14:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, Filthy, but her best post was www.ubersite.com/m/33379 for piling on horrific imagery, for use of language, and for out-horror-ing the horror genre while simultaneously being a brilliant satire.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-29 14:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-08-29 14:10:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe's best post.
====
Nope, this is her best one: http://www.ubersite.com/m/27676
Linkwhoring on other people's behalf. Where is my dignity?
It's all for the goat sex.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-08-29 14:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe's best post.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-08-29 13:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As proprietor of a prestigious gallery in lower Manhattan, I'd like to get Seth into a major exhibition of angry young artists this fall. We've already got a three-year old who does installations using legos and vintage Star Wars action figures as a commentary on the fleeting nature of life, the permanence of death, and the hollowness of fame, and a seven year-old who creates performance art with poop on a stick.
You may be skeptical, but Bjork paid $65,000 for "pine branch & cone with dog doo (III)" just last week.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-08-29 13:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe,
Highly entertaining and painfully truthful. :)
BM
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-29 13:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't be like Filthy and whine about it, but I'm feeling a 1 here.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-29 12:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Takkun:
joke ( P ) Pronunciation Key (jk)
n.
1. Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line.
So, when are the doctors reattaching your sense of humour?
Submitted by Takkun <greatfonzo.at.walla.com> at 2004-08-29 12:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Avals, you're a moron. That isn't a pentagram. This is a pentagram. http://www.angelfire.com/weird2/tehcoffee/images/avatar14.JPG
And pentagrams aren't evil, either. The whole pagan=devil worship was a smear campaign by the Catholic Church.
Submitted by The_Walrus (user info) at 2004-08-29 12:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha I couldn't stop laughing
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-08-29 12:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely fucking brilliant.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-29 12:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! Your son drew a Pentagram! He is posessed by the Devil and will one day kill your entire family and bring damnation and suffering to all!
That ... isn't a _touchy_ subject, is it?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-29 11:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AshK, I like that idea. I like it a lot. I'd make him ride his bike if I wasn't so worried about the drunken direct sales proponents walking the streets.
NetProphet, it doesn't stop me from offering goat sex to Filthy. I would be very upset if you did stop hitting on me. And I've mentioned the kids heaps of times... you just don't obsessively reread everything I ever say often enough. For shame.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2004-08-29 11:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, I had no idea you were a mother. You seem quite adept at being a caring mom.
Don't think it will keep us from hitting on you. Not even for a moment.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-29 11:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is nothing wrong with direct sales! I mean it! Grr!
I avoid all this by making my child ride his bike everywhere.
Ride to school...check.
Ride to babysitter's...check.
Ride to Grandma's because mom isn't home from drink...er work yet...check.
Ride home 10 minutes before bedtime, nuke a kids dinner and go to bed...check.
See the beauty?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-08-29 10:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BU TEH MADDCOX ALREADy DID TIHS
BUT TEH SOMETHINWAFFLE ALREEDY DID IT
HOWEVA GAPPINGMAW ALRADY DONE IT
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-08-29 10:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Filthy - The videographer has been hired for the wedding night.
Lojope - HHAHHAAHAAHAHAH!! That's brilliant.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-08-29 10:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am are also adolf pattern in mein special aushwitz funnen zone
Submitted by mr.awesome (user info) at 2004-08-29 10:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, you have kids.
Your response to her invitation to gave a play-date should have been "Nah, I don't talk to other people with kids because they're usually sluts and thier kids were a mistake."
The art is fucking great.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-08-29 10:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-08-29 10:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHahahahahahhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
My son is a prodigy too! He is a deeply emotive empath. He demonstrates his angst for the human condition by tripping and falling every two seconds when he tries to walk. Critics say that he actually falls a lot because he's less than a year old, and not too sure of his footing yet, and my parents just think he inhereted the "trip-and-fall" gene from his mother. But I know better. Every time that bottom hits the floor it is in protest of the cruelty in the world.
My little activist.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-29 10:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheh. Let's move to Tijuana and get married to a herd of goats.